Monday, July 28, 2008

A Hippie Enigma

He was the first time I ever walked in somewhere and felt the hate from all the other girls in the room. I was that bitch that was with him. The gorgeous hippie.

He was anti-hippie and hippie in ever sense of the word. Looking at him it would be hard to peg him for anything but a surfer. Beach bum.

Beach bum he was. But it was hippie pulsing through his veins, not salt water.

Wavy blonde hair reaching just beyond his chin. Sometimes accompanied by chin hair, dark in contrast to his main. A svelte body that back that I thought might even make the gods envious. Tanned to perfection, with his pants always slung low, just at the point of that elusive v that every girl drools over.

Even the hemp necklace was of the surfer stereotype. Little did the girls know it was worn more for the hemp then the surfer mandate.

He was all about peace and love. And the drug that went along with it all.

Not that the drugs ever bothered me. Quite the contrary, it was a part of him. But it never changed him. Maybe that's why I didn't mind back then.

He was the newest in my long line of anti-relationships. We'd date for months, and then eventually stop calling or devolve into friendships. Except he was way more up-front about it than the rest. I knew within two weeks of meeting him exactly what it was. And I was ok with it.

It was the perfect friends with benefits. Minus a few hiccups.

Lazy summer days lying in bed watching movies. Perfect summer nights on the beach with good friends, guitar, and good times.

Yet everywhere we went, I could feel the hatred pulsing in my direction. Maybe it was more jealousy than anything else, but it sure felt like hate. It was a strange feeling. I had never felt that before, and that surprised me.

It's not like I never dated a gorgeous guy before. That I never walked into a room with his arm draped around my waist and saw all the eyes on me. But with him I felt it.

I could never explain that knot that formed in my stomach because of that. Mainly because it was fleeting. A minute later he'd be chasing me around the room, or giving me a kiss, or sliding his hand in my back pocket as he guided me towards the door. It was easy to dismiss it with him around.

He returned, fleetingly, with a short on-line conversation. Our tryst long over. No longer friends or benefits, having not been either for over two years. His heart was breaking from his latest love. Even at years younger, not even legal in the voting sense, she had his heart on a string and was seemingly pulling it up for one last heart-stopping show.

When he signed off, and I was drifting off to bed, it hit me.

I felt the hate because he was never even slightly mine. With other guys I at least had the pretense. The knowledge that just maybe they wanted me for more than just today.

Him, I had the distinct knowledge that he could just walk out that room with another girl. We were just friends.

It's not that I was in love with him. Farthest from it.

It was, that as a friend, I would have hated to not be chosen over a girl that could offer what I never could.

It's always been my fear. Still is.

When 21 Probably Means 12

The day started out good. Happy hour and dinner with a few of my coworkers. Nevermind that they all had kids my age - it was still a good time. I've always gotten along well with those older than me, near my parents age. Not that I've ever been best friends, but being one of the youngest in my extended families lent me to be one of the last ones still living at home while everyone else had "grown up". Enter many weekends where I was the only one around under the age of 45 (minus the pets).

Night plans were set. I hadn't been downtown in so long. The surgery had damn near squashed my social life, and damn near my social energy.

Antigua is never my club of choice. To stereotype, it closely fits the mold that is clubs downtown that allow those under 21 to enter. But the website said free entry and free drinks, and since I was going with Stocking I was relegated to the likes of Antigua.

After a search for a free parking spot, because really - free entry and free drinks means nothing if you have to pay for parking, and walking the blocks to the club we are turned away. Well, not so much turned away as told it would cost $15 for both of us to enter.

Screw that. I'd rather get drunk at home. THAT'S free.

On the way to Antigua we got peppered with flyers for a thing Dragon Room was having. After the notorious night that they were charging girls over 21 $10 to get in, I had some evil feelings towards the establishment, but figured it was worth the effort before scratching the night.

Oh what a well placed afterthought can do for a girl.

I asked one of the bouncers what the cover was. He looked at me with a confused look on his face. Seriously, I thought bouncers were supposed to know that stuff. [I guess he's never in charge of the money.] He turns around to a co-worker, and before he can utter the question that guy steps up.

"Dude, anytime hot girls ask you how much cover is tell them it's free." As he shows us into the line to get carded and enter, free of charge.

[In hindsight of the day after, there's a good chance we got in free because the club was rather empty. But I prefer to stick with the thought that we really were looking that good, and well, the rest of the night tends to agree with me.]

The first guys that approached us were, well lacking in pick up skills to say the least. I mean, the worst way to warm up a girl is to point out the obvious. It was entertaining to see how much abuse they put up with. It was a lot. At least it made me smile.

The next was British fellow. He was here on vacation, but had knowledge of a pick-up artist convention going on at his hotel. Strange for him to have that knowledge. I honestly had this feeling that he was trying out those techniques on us (though he insisted that he was not part of said convention), but harmless fun is indeed just that.

After that, and some clever times between Stocking and myself, two Argentinean guys came up to us. We obliged more for the opening offer of drinks more than anything else. [I'll fully admit that I do this sometimes - but only with guys I'm not interested it. No girl ever turns down free drinks, well, if she's drinking.]

We ran off to the dance floor, as I managed to get Stocking pretty drunk. [She's such a light weight.] I spotted a cute guy, and put to the test the theory that guys really can be easy to lure in.

All you need is a hot girl friend, a good song (say Katie Perry's "I Kissed a Girl"), and a good sense of humor. Enough guys will be looking soon enough even without the requisite "lets make out" mentality of other females.

I pulled the cute guy over to dance, and his friend grabbed Stocking, and we dance. Much to my chagrin he was an awful dancer. Compounded by the fact that he just couldn't even take a guiding hip on how to follow the beat.

But he was cute. And they had a bottle in VIP. I was just out for a fun time that night. To recapture that bit of me.

I can't say I feel bad about going out and getting free drinks from guys I'm not totally interested in. I don't make any pretenses. When I'm out for a fun time, I have it - and make sure the people I'm with are too.

And man was it fun.

I think part of it was seeing Stocking in that element. In some ways she reminds me of myself when I was younger [wow, I'm really old enough to say that now]. Though she wasn't in as much of the party scene as I was freshman year, so I still have a bit I can teach her.

The night ended with an invite back to their "after party" and a lively political discussion on the ride back to the "party".

There really wasn't a party. Just the group we were dancing with back at their house. One still drinking, the other back with his ex, and the guy I was dancing with off in a dark room talking to someone in a room.

At that moment I remembered why I usually turned down the after party. No party starts at 3 am, only the parties that are still going at 3 am are worth heading to.

We left. Stocking just wanting to sleep, and me missing Abz like I probably shouldn't right now.



The next night I was getting sent insulting texts from a number I didn't know. The guy from the night before was the only one I have given my number to in the last month.

The insults stopped with my last response.

What are you? 12??

Sometimes the night really should just end as a fun, anonymous night in the lights.

~GF

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Is It Ever REALLY Circumstance?

I wouldn't say I've been a funk as of late, I've actually been rather content, but at the same time I seem to be rather aware of my unproductiveness.

I can't think of the last time I picked up a camera and took some photos. I got a tablet pen for my birthday five months ago and have yet to use it to edit any photos. While I maybe I haven't been in a position to take photos of myself because of my surgery, after the first week or so I was fully capable of going out and taking other photos. Yet I sat around and did nothing. I love photography.

Am I forgetting my love?

I need to get out and take some photos, but this lack of energy that has accompanied my restrictions from the surgery is seriously hampering that. Or, at least, that's the excuse I'm giving myself.

Now wakeboarding, that I can truly pass off that it's not my fault I'm not doing it. [But that excuse doesn't work for the month before my surgery that I didn't ride.] I want to just go out and hang out on the boat. Just to be near it all. But I can't decide whether that would do more harm than good. Maybe I should get out and take some pictures of people wakeboarding. Though, then I would have to call around and find people that are wakeboarding - and not being able to wakeboard myself, the motivation really isn't there.

For the last month, I've pushed aside things I love because of this surgery. It's an excuse I cling onto like nothing else. But is it really an excuse? Three weeks later - is it really hampering me that much anymore?

Probably not, but the few limitations it imposes really takes a hit on my psyche.

It all leads me to wonder - how many of the obstacles we face are really just put there by ourselves???

I can't wakeboard, but nothing's stopping me from watching others wakeboard - as long as I stay out of the water.

I have no excuse for the photography, and honestly that makes me the saddest of all.

If this is what it's like to have a full time job. I don't want it. Though, I would never take a full time job with this long of a commute. Even cutting that commute in half would give me a lot of time to things I want. [Yes, it's that long of a commute - an hour each way.]

I can't wait for class to start again. I may still have to get up as early, but I get done with stuff so much earlier. I can actually get on a schedule - and make myself stick to it.

I'm making my to-do list now. Wakeboard, exercise, write, play basketball, photography, read non-text books, and whatever else I want to do.

I swear, I'm going to stick to it FINALLY.

Well, at least in September I will.

~GF

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Maybe Being a Little Bit Bitchy Isn't That Bad

Ok, so maybe I'm not entirely being bitchy. I rarely have it in me to keep it up that long - at least with most people. [*ahem* V and other jerk-wads not included.]

But it always irked me. I had bitch moments, I was not a bitch, yet it was the bitches that had the boyfriends. The bitches that some how roped the guy that I wanted. The bitches getting married and the bitches being adored.

Basically, the bitches got everything I wanted and I just got to sit around perplexed that guys actually wanted that.

So the easy conclusion was that if I became a bitch, then I would get that.

But I could never do that.

I'm a bitch only when provoked. Sometimes the provocation isn't worth a bitchy reaction, but I was still provoked.

In reality, it boiled down to the fact that I couldn't swallow being something I'm not just to get a boyfriend. I like my clothes, and the vast majority of the time I enjoy the skin I am. No need for me to change scenes.

Besides, I honestly can't respect someone that would allow themselves to be treated that badly.

The few times I've been yelled at in public by a guy trust that we were very close to a break-up. Without well needed graveling and a serious attempt at never doing that again, I would not have stayed. It's just not right to treat someone that bad in public. Fights in private might get bad, but at least no one sees it.

And I hate being bossed around myself, why would it be acceptable for me to do it to someone else? Any guy that's trying to be in a relationship with me knows pretty soon off to not cross me when I want to hang out with my friends or tell me to stop seeing my guy friends. I just won't stand for it.

Yet, I did find that sometimes being bitchy gets you what you want. Luckily, since I don't act that way often, I'd like to think that I didn't come off that bitchy. Or maybe he just wanted to do what I was demanding and was happy to oblige.

I hadn't seen Abz in over a week and was quite frustrated with him. While I wouldn't blame him if he was sincerely busy (I later learned a friend from out of town was visiting all weekend) not hearing from him was not cool. I don't care if he's not a phone person.

Seeing as almost every other guy I've dated has decided to give me the brush off by just randomly picking a day to stop returning my calls, I was caught in the grip that maybe that was what was happening. Not that I had tried to contact him, but he blew me off of sorts and we always hung out on the weekends. So this was cause of concern.

I finally got over that awful, regurgitated feeling, and decided to at least contact him before condemning him to blowing me off.

He wasn't, but was going out the night I contacted him (with said friend from out of town).

So I employed my bitchy side the next day.

Hey - just so you know you're coming over tonight.

Lol. Ok.

Call me after work or when you're heading over so I know when you're coming.

Ok.


And, miraculously [as a part of me was thinking he'd be a no-show], he showed up and was his same old self. Taking me in his arms and giving me a kiss.

Now that that's settled, I guess I have more important notions to entertain when it comes to him.

~GF

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Creating Holes

What's with relationships? It seems we almost instantly forget any "lessons" we have learned the instant we meet someone new. It's like the ADD kid who see something shinny...completely forgetting about the scars from the last shine.

After every heartbreak we swear not to get attached again. To fill those holes ourselves to avoid feeling that empty void again. All in order to avoid the lost feeling.

Sometimes I believe that I actually have the strength to do that. If I'm on my own long enough, the sting of being alone rarely shows it's head. I make myself happy, and find my fun in my friends. I rely on myself and I can take care of myself.

It's funny how that can instantly change. Imperceptively so.

You don't see it happening - it creeps up on you. At first you're still on your own. It's a fun encounter, but you're still on your own and you know it.

Then little changes happen and the phone call starts making you smile. You become accustom to the kiss on your forehead goodnight. And soon you feel most comfortable wrapped up in their arms.

And then it's gone. It wasn't even around for much more than a month, but it's left so many holes it's aching.

The smile takes ten times more energy to appear than before. The silent night keeps you up instead of putting you to sleep. It feels like learning to walk all over again, even though you swore you never wanted to be here again.

Here is where you find yourself.

Some place you always hated when you were there, and never wanted to return.

Can you ever do anything to keep those holes from disappearing? Or are the imperceptible changes always going to happen??

~GF

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

A Rare Occasion for Me

Since I am in no way thinking of or anywhere near prepared for this....

But I get bored as hell at work and have taken to reading other people's blogs and I came across this one of a mom and she was trying to decide what to name her kid. They already had the last name (of course) and settled on the first name, but the middle name was up in the air. There was one name in particular that they had taking a liking too, but weren't sure if they liked the initials.

A.W.K.

And my first thought was Andrew fucking W. K. that's the coolest initials ever!!

Well, one of.

And to top it off the first name of the kid actually is Andrew. It's like the perfect initials.

At least for a fan of Andrew W. K.

And a though crossed my mind...Wouldn't that be the coolest thing to give your kid that initials. Maybe by then no one else would remember him, but you'd know and smile from it. Plus you'd have a reason to introduce your kid to that music, and, well, who doesn't like to party hard?

I mean, I love Andrew W. K., but it's not like naming your kid after Britney Spears. They majority of people my age maybe don't even know his name. And it's not an exact copy. So it would be a perfect way to make *me* happy and not place my kid up for ridicule for the rest of his life.

See, I'm compromising for my maybe-but-possibly-never-who-knows kid already. I'm all mature like.

[I'm forgetting the part where I'd have to marry someone who's last name starts with K for this whole thing to be played out.]

Mark this as one of the few occasions that my 22 year old self even allows herself to think about one day having kids.

~GF

Monday, June 30, 2008

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

So I had my surgery this past Thursday, and had grand plans for the downtime.

Of course, this all started with the idea of having a clean room. Which I did not have, and could not bother me much as I was incapable of cleaning up.

I was given vicodine for the pain. While it did great wonders for the pain, I didn't really feel any other effects that are touted. Well, except for getting incredibly nauseous at me second dose. [Thankfully after I ate I was fine. I think I would have cried if I couldn't take the pills.]

Abz stayed with me all day Thursday until I had to leave (actually, I left him half asleep in my bed). I called him to tell him things went well (after I called the 'rents and B - hey, B was the one most concerned about this whole thing and I didn't want to forget calling him. I knew I'd remember to call Abz) and he was getting to play soccer.

I texted him to come over if he wasn't working (or after work) if he wanted and almost five minutes later the nausea hit like a train and I texted him to come over because I felt like shit. He asked if he could eat first, and I obliged - seeing as there wasn't much he could do for me feeling like crap other than comfort me.

That was pretty much the most exciting part of the weekend. Not realizing how sore my back would be (or that, while the vicodine knocks out of the pain it just doesn't quite work if you put a good portion of your weight against it) I couldn't type or read as those activities would require me to lean against my back.

No, I was confined to laying on my stomach or on my side (which even that had its limitations) and it was not conducive to my master plan. It seems someone doesn't want me to catch up on my writing - as I just refuse to do it through that much pain.

I had my bandages removed for the first time last night. I almost got as sick as when they were closing me up.

I sincerely hope that does not happen tonight. I fear that if I continue to get that close, I will eventually throw up.

~GF

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

What School Are You In?

So it's almost been one month since I met Abz. It's around this time that I usually sit down and start to analyze things. [Well, if I'm lucky this late, usually it's before.] And it's led me to think about what "schools" I'm in, and which ones he's in.

There's the rushing into a relationship and taking your time. I'm always the latter. I knew my boyfriends for 3 months before we were exclusive. [Or at least officially exclusive.] I firmly believe that rushing in only leads to rushing out. Not that me taking my time has produced much better results, but things that catch fire quick usually explode way more than necessary.

Then there's initiating the talk. I haven't done it, but that's more because the guys have beat me to it. That, and I'm much more cautious. I tend to wait until I know. I have no desire to get into a relationship with someone, only to realize a few weeks later that I didn't actually like them that much. That's too cruel. I can't do that to someone [though sometimes I wish I could].

The big thing with this one is I have to make sure I'm ok with the lack of not-in-person conversation. There's been a big hang-up with every guy I've dated for a few months. Some I decided I could handle, others I couldn't. D's was mainly the distance and less so was that he was mildly depressed [though not around me so it was easy to ignore, maybe not smart though]. B's was that I had just dealt with all the shit D gave me and his drinking/drugs [though when we got together it was in an acceptable range, it just escalated as the relationship wore on].

But at what point are you standing at the edge of the cliff and have to make a choice: jump or climb down? I'm the cautious one that doesn't want to jump unless I've got someone right there with me and I'm not entirely sure if I do. We've never even broached the relationship thing, so I have no idea if he's even up for it.

Do you just know when you have to make the choice? Or do you keep putting it off if in your gut you know you're going to get an answer different from what you want. Instead of delayed gratification - delayed pain.

Can you delay pain? If you can, is it the same amount of pain, or does it just collect interest during the days that you ignore it?

~GF

So Tired!

I didn't end up going to V's show. Smokin' sent me a text and wanted me to come. After making fun of him for only ever texting me to promote the band (that he's not even in!), I decided not to go.

Plus I went with my roommate, Jew [he calls himself that, so that's why I'm comfortable giving him that nickname] to pick up a PS3 (our house now has a PS2, PS3, Wii, and Xbox360). His friends were going to Howl at the Moon, which I always wanted to check out and it seemed a lot more fun that going to V's show.

Piano bars are a lot of fun. I think it would have been more fun if I knew everyone better - or if I drank more, but I definitely plan to go back at some point. Just not for any special occasions of mine. I refuse to put myself in the line of fire. Lol.

Jew's cute friend that has a girlfriend was there and so was his friend. Who was cute too, so that was a plus. Once he realized I wasn't dating Jew. Haha. Then another friend showed and proceeded to get wasted off only a few drinks. Prompting a stop a Denny's after last call.

Boy with the girlfriend was drunk and ended up sitting next to me and put his arm around me and is like "hey, play along so I can get her worked up" as the girlfriend is eyeing him across the table. [Hey, she's cool. She looked to him and not me which is exactly how it should be.]

He said that a few times and every time I laughed and said "I'm not the one that has to go home with her so I don't care."

The next night I made plans to hang out with MP and Bell met up with us. I didn't really clear it with MP [she was texting me as I was walking to the bar] but luckily Bell is awesome and they both got along. [Yay for awesome friends!]

MP kept buying me drinks. Or rather, bought be a few very strong drinks and I wasn't paying full attention and was definitely drunk by the time last call came around.

Bell took off for a blast from her past, so MP was stuck with my drunk ass. He drove my car to where it wouldn't get towed and then we walked to his car. I wish I would have enjoyed the walk more. It was almost 3am and we were walking around Lake Eola. Something I would never do alone, but being around water (especially at night) is always so calming for me and I should have paid attention. [And now, relaying the story, I want to take Abz there, or to some lake, and stroll around it late at night. Geeze, too many girlfriend-like thoughts already!]

Back to MP's cute little cottage apartment to sleep. I was supposed to go home to meet up with Abz, and my phone died so I couldn't even tell him.

I figured that if MP liked me, this would probably be the time for it to come out. Yeah, I left with no more answers that I had before. Everything was completely platonic until after we woke up (and I was still tired as shit) and half asleep on his couch. He kept tickling me and had his arms around me, etc. We'd be so close together you'd think something would happen, but nothing.

Oh well. I'm not too crushed either way. I like hanging out with him and not having a lot of guy drama right now is refreshing. [That usually only happens when I have no guys!!]

~GF

Friday, June 20, 2008

Still Playing Catch Up

So I'm still about a week behind with this thing. I figure I should catch this up to speed before I try my hand at any overly huge, insightful posts.

My weeks are boring. Work and that's pretty much it. Sometimes Abz will come over, but not a lot during the week since I have to get up early and he's one that likes to stay up late (and keep me up late).

I hadn't hung out with Stocking in a while, so I made plans with her. We headed downtown to Wallstreet for dinner after her plans with her boyfriend fell through (he was sick). Afterwards we were going to AG's band's show, and since there were good odds that the whole Moltey Crue would be there - I decided to catch her up to speeds in case I had a freak out. [good or bad]

Before we left Wallstreet, I wanted to show her around since she had never been before. Now, she's not 21 yet, but I've never had a problem before with my friends being under 21 and staying in Wallstreet as long as you get in there before they card. Hell, way back when at the rail jam I was still running around and I was only 20! And at my birthday Becca got in and stayed in no problems. (And so did Nicole even when she lost her fake.)

So it was a huge surprise when the security guards came up to ask and as for our IDs. I mean, we were leaving anyways, so I didn't care - but that's NEVER happened. So as they were escorting Stocking out, with me following, I was just sitting there amazed. I think it happened because our server was crap. I gave her an OK tip, but Stocking gave her a crappy tip to match her crappy service so she had it out for us. (And I just checked my bank account, and I wasn't even charged for the tip I did leave....weird.)

We get over to the show and make the rounds. I was surprised I hadn't seen anyone yet (even AG) until I made my way to the back bar for a drink and there was Hat Boy, V, Billy, and some of the other crew I don't talk to.

V hadn't seen me yet, and since we have our "truce" I walked to him and threw a punch at him that stopped just before it hit him square in the eye. [I have greeted friends this way, but it was soooo much fun to see him freakout. And boy, did he freakout until he realized it was me.] We hugged hello and he introduced himself to Stocking. I said hi to Billy and Hat Boy. Then V made room for me so I could order a drink.

AG saw me while I was getting my drink and said hi and introduced himself to Stocking as well. I started to play the "does he like me, or are we just cool" game with Stocking. [Spoiler alert: we ended up confused]

After chatting in the eyesight of V and company, I had to move. It still gets way weird for me sometimes. [Wait! Still? We had the truce for all of a week at that point. Nevermind.]

Everytime AG saw me he'd say hi, but that was pretty much it. He was always flitting around. Hell, he even saw me in the bathroom when the main door was open, stopped, stepped back, said hi, and then proceeded on his way.

Between bands I introduced Stocking to my photography ways. Namely, catching friends when they are off guard to get the best (and sometimes horrendous) shots.

When it was time for AGs band to play, I though picking the side of the stage would be safe. Wrong! Apparently AG is the lead singer that prefers not to be front and center and was instead in front of me.

So I had to play it cool and not look at him too much, but not ignore him either. Stocking said there was a point that he was looking at me for quite a while.

We went to get drinks, and while we were waiting this girl came up to me. Turns out she was MP's friend from the Disturbed show! AKA (the friend's newly-dubed name), Stocking, and I sat and chatted at the bar.

At some point V came up to the bar in between me and the wall. Granted, the bar is small and that was kinda the only open spot. But there's a huge bar in the back and I'm pretty sure he had a mostly full drink!

I ignored him, or at least tried to until he butted into our conversations. Then he proceeded to try and drag me into a one-on-one conversation with him and ignore my girls. Bringing up things from our past, or topics he knew I'd have to say something on, or rag him about. Or simply just grabbing me or nudging me.

Part of me hated it because he just told me a week ago why he didn't want to be with me - and that fact isn't changing anytime soon! The other part loved that I could still command his attention. That we were at a show and he chose to come up and vie for my attention.

At one point he even joked [was he joking?] about trying to get on my list. Like the list of guys I like and/or am interested in. I, of course, retorted with the fact that he took himself off that list and he can't just decide to be back on it.

He never gave a full response to that.

Stocking mentioned (out of V's earshot) that to anyone looking it seemed as if me and V were boyfriend/girlfriend, and if not that we really liked each other. I shot her an evil glare and cursed myself for being able to fall back into that so easily.

When the show was over V and the crew were leaving to this new club, Stardust. He asked me to come, but I said I couldn't unless it was 18+ because of Stocking. He said he'd text me when he got there - and asked for my number! He had forgotten to save it from last week!!

So I grabbed his phone and started to put my number in [so he couldn't have anymore excuses] and he told me to put the initials of the band we met through (which he's now in). I had seen in his phone there was no one with just my first name.

"There's no one with my first name, so I don't have to put a note"

"But that's how I know you in my phone"

"Yeah, but I'm special enough to be just my name"

He says something about someone he worked with that used to be the one with just my name and something else, but I didn't care enough to pay attention.

"Well, she's not in your phone anymore. Besides I'm still important enough to be just me. Aren't I?"

[At this point I'm not sure what game it was, but I decided to play his game back. Hence the way this is going.]

"Yes, you are important enough."

"Good, just my name then."

Saved it, and handed him back his phone.

After they left I found AG to say goodbye. We still didn't say too much to each other, so I walked away thinking that I was getting myself worked up for nothing. Just another guy that likes me when he's drunk (like Hat Boy). I'm OK with that. [I have Abz right now. lol]

Stocking and I walked around downtown aimlessly since we didn't want to pay for a cover (it was after 1am) and I was giving the crew enough time to get to Stardust to see if she could get in.

We gave up, and when we got to my car V text me, but just said that the club sucked.

So we got in and headed home.

On the main road, and V texts me asks me what we're doing. This time he text me back with the age (21+) but says they're headed back to the house.

By the time I got that text we were halfway home and not turning around for some chill after party. I texted him back.

Too late now. Guess you won't get your *gayleforce* fix tonight.

Too late for what.

Guess you'll never know now.

When I sent those texts I decided that I was going to just fuck right back with him. I mean, if he gets to act like he used to and confuse my head I have two choices 1) Stay away from him or 2) Confuse him right back. We have too many mutual friends to completely avoid him, so I've chosen to stay sane by playing his game.

Or at least playing his game that I can see. He claims honesty, but sometimes I think he's just lying to himself.

V has a show tonight. I was going to bring Stocking, but she has to work.

I don't think I'll go.

I still haven't seen the band since he joined.

~GF

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Minor Not-Yet-Troubles

My days mostly consists of work. Which consists of me never wanting to get up when I should and invariably getting to work late. Which means I have to work late, making me get home late, and not get to bed early enough to keep from starting the cycle all over again.

Not to mention that it makes me tired as hell at work. I have to keep myself from falling asleep. And all the doctor appointments I have to go to this summer don't help. If I didn't have my internship I could take the time off, but I have a certain amount of hours to make.

It's exhausting.

Things seem to be going well with Abz. We always talk a bit when we meet up again, and there's obvious chemistry between us. And he's so cute and sweet to me when we are together. He's all about the little kisses sometimes [which I loved from another guy, but these are different]. I think we're headed to a good place.

The main thing that concerns me [besides whether or not he wants a relationship] is the other things that have popped up that could cause problems. We are on completely different schedules. He works until late at night, I have to get up early in the morning. I have weekends off, he always works weekends. We can work around that, but it's bothersome.

The other main thing is his lack of phone-ness. Not that I'm some girl that needs to talk to the guy five times a day or for hours at a time [shoot me if I ever do], but I'd like to not always be the one calling! I understand that he doesn't like to talk on the phone and he doesn't like texting either, so I appreciate it when he does. And so far he's always called when he said he will. (But more often then not, he leaves me with directions of when to call him.)

I'd just like to hear from him slightly more often, if even for brief moments, if I'm going to end up in a relationship with him. Like once he sent me a text "Just wanted 2 say hi." That made me smile - and that's really all I'm asking. That, and maybe him calling me when we haven't hung out in a few days to see if I'm free.

That's not too much to ask - is it??

~GF

Monday, June 16, 2008

Recap Continued...

So I was having fun at the party. Quite content in ignoring V for the most part and hanging with Bell, Smokin', AG and the rest of the crew (and newbies). AG and I were actually talking quite a bit, and maybe flirting a bit....somehow I ended up with his sunglasses [I still can't remember how, maybe picked them off the floor??] and I saw him walk out the door. I wasn't sure if he was coming back so I ran after him, only to see Bell drive off in her car.

Panic hit me at the thought of walking back into the party with Bell gone and Smokin' had left quite a while ago, so when I found out that AG was just dropping someone off I invited myself along for the ride. It was nice talking to him. I got the EP from his band [it's pretty good].

When we got back Bell had returned and I was back to having fun. Even when she left to go to another party. And I was highly amused when V fell on his ass and almost took a few guitars down with him. I was starting to remember why I got along so well with this group from the start. [Even though I've almost always been the baby of the group.]

Then somehow I found myself at the house with a bunch of people I didn't know and drunk. I was talking to Abz and trying to convince him to come pick me up without directly asking, to no avail. So I found myself crowded in the back of some SUV with some guy I just met feeling me up with no real recourse save from beating the shit out of him - which isn't a good idea when for all you know you're stuck in a car with his friends!

But I arrived at the Social with the group of wayward travel companions and AG got is in (free too!!). I spent quite a bit of talking with him, and other people too, and nursing glasses of water [my drunk ass, haha]. We were definitely flirting when at one point AG asked for confirmation on something that he heard about me [which is my own business, and I may elect to divulge here later] but he wouldn't say from who.

While he thought it was cute and that it didn't change his opinion of me, I was pissed that someone was telling my business when it wasn't theirs to tell. AG wouldn't tell me who told him, but as far as I knew only V, Smooth, and BD in that crowd knew. BD had moved almost a month before (and therefore had no idea I knew AG, but he could have told someone else in the group and it got around. He did, afterall, tell V), and Smooth had left the party a few hours before and I really saw no reason why he would do that. So I instantly thought it was V and was drunk enough to confront him.

When I spied him along I grabbed his shirt and hissed in his ear that if I found out he was telling shit he shouldn't be telling, he won't like one bit what comes to him from it.

He immediately denied it, and the look on his face seemed like he was sincere. He went on to say how he couldn't do that to me, and what happened between us stays between us. He also went on about how he likes [or was it liked?] me and thinks I'm an amazing girl, and then [FINALLY!!!] gave me an honest answer about why he decided to stop dating me [which plays into what AG found out...still deciding if that's going to become part of this].

He called a truce, and wanted to actually become friends. I decided to take his reaction as sincere and told him that if he actually held up his end - which included returning my calls if I did call him - I'd be ok with a truce. (Apparently he was at least somewhat upset that I had been all but ignoring him, so much so that he had to call me out when I said I wasn't "completely ignoring" him.)

He then told me about how he doesn't use his other phone and it just sits at his house and gave me his new number to reach him on.

V headed out and then I went to go hang with AG. As V and company were saying bye and walking out the door, I double checked with AG to see if I still had a ride. Turns out he offered me a ride when his ride was already full of a drum kit. (Even he had to share his seat with the drum!!)

So lucky (or unlucky) for V, his truce got tested out as a I frantically called him for a ride. I was able to get a hold of him, and was saying bye to AG when he gave me his number in case I didn't meet up with them for some reason. He gives those wonderfully, melt into you hugs [like V gives] and gave me a few - along with some pecks on the cheek.

I left the arms of someone I was surprised to find myself liking [afterall, he was the guy Nicole blew up at me for, and we never shared much in the taste of guys] and was headed towards someone I honestly never expected to count on again.

We had a laborious trek to the car. Two people threw up, one person lost their shoe, and I took some glee in revealing V's age to two of the girls in the group [though I was kinda bummed they were better at guessing his age then I was - but he is NOW hanging out with more people his age opposed to more people my age when I met him].

Unfortunately V fell back into his old role a bit after the truce. When we got back to the house I was going to leave, but he insisted I come in and have some water or food to "sober up". [I was quite sober, than you very much]. And after getting yelled at in the room (well someone was, it was V, Hat Boy, I'm assuming his gf, and some other chick. Someone was getting yelled at) he decided it'd be a good idea to sit next to me on the couch.

The couch at the house he "rescued" me from no more than 7 months prior when he was still my knight in shinning armor.

I found myself asking about his family member that had recently found out he had cancer while I was still dating him. Cursing myself for falling into old habits, but glad to hear that he was doing well. I think V was glad to hear that I remembered, and maybe took it to mean that I still care. [Do I still care?]

V walked me to my car and we briefly chatted a bit more about our truce, and probably chatted about the old days (I'm not sure on that, I think I blocked it out if we did). Before he left he gave me one of those melt into you hugs. I was half expecting the peck on my temple that always used to accompany that, but its absence kept me jarred to the position that we are now in.

AG and I had exchanged a few texts on what we were doing, but I hadn't heard anything since I told him I was going home. I liked him, but for some reason I was left driving home wondering whether he would still like me sober.

Abz called (or maybe I called him) and said he was too drunk to drive, so I told him to stay home since I didn't want him to get hurt. An hour or so later he called and said he was sober enough to drive if I still wanted him to come over. I was still awake, oddly not thinking about the goings on of the night, and gladly told him to come over.

The night ended with me curled up in his arms.

~GF

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I'm Losing My Mind

So I was always the person with the great memory. I remembered stuff from when I was a little kid that my mom even forgot until I describe it in detail. I remember stuff and details without even thinking about it. It just pops back in my head (sometimes at inopportune times and sometimes I really hate that ability and sometimes it's handy).

But as of late my memory has sucked. At least when it comes to names. Unless I hear your name a couple of times (usually from meeting you multiple times) I forget your name. It's unreal. I don't really like it. I kinda feel bad.

I think I'd be more worried about this change, if I actually cared more about remembering their names!!

[I really only feel bad when they remember mine - which happens too much!]

~GF

Party Recap

Earlier in the week my friend, Bell, had informed me that Hat Boy and his band were throwing a party on Saturday and asked if I'd heard about it. I hadn't, but that's more because they always forget to invite me and then ask why I didn't show!! I told her that I'd go if she did - mainly because I knew V would be there and wanted back up so I could stay away from him.

Then she tells me she has to work and can't go. I wasn't that disappointed. Until she IMs me Saturday afternoon and asks if I was at the party!! At that point I didn't fully want to go, but I knew it'd be fun with her. Also, minus V, the whole group is a lot of fun.

I walk in the door and one of the first people I see (after Bell) is Smooth. He totally gave me a "what the fuck are you doing here" look. It was kind of funny. I mean, seriously, I met V through this crowd and I've known them for almost 3 years now - longer than they have!! It's not that shocking.

Next I saw Smokin'. I love that boy. He always gives me complements and is cool as shit. Last time I saw him a cop strong-armed me as I tried to hug him. Apparently I was trying to cut in the line for pizza and now they have cops against that.

I followed the convo and Smokin' out to the porch - where V and Smooth were. Striked up a convo with Smooth and Smokin' but ignored V. Eventually he came over and I returned his hi or said a few words his way when necessary.

I ran into AG (Acoustic Guitar) there. It was so random, but I should have known. When I met him mere days before Nicole blew up at me, we bonded over the fact that we both new the boys of Hat Boy's band [maybe I should nickname the band too, it's getting confusing!].

So we chatted for a while and he asked how Nicole was. I told him we weren't friends anymore and when he asked why and I told him that from her side it was basically him. He laughed, and I told him the story [skim through a post like 2 mths back].

He confirms that I wasn't treating her bad at all that night, and that I definitely did nothing to ruin her chances. Her, on the other hand, ruined her own chances by always coming up with excuses so he gave up on her. Yeah, he was still messaging her when she blew up on me acting like he never called.

He also wasn't too happy to find out she was only 20 when she told him she was 23!!! That felt good. His friend [and bandmate???] was like noooo that's way too young for you man.

AG was a lot cuter than I remembered....

I was actually having a lot of fun [the alcohol probably had a good bit to do with it], which I didn't really expect with this group.

Even through the drama that ensued as the night wore on, I still had fun.

To be continued....

~GF

Monday, June 9, 2008

Quick Update!

Mainly to remind myself to update about this weekend before I forget!

Spent Friday night at home playing the Wii with my roommates and some of their friends. It was fun. I still suck at SmashBrothers no matter how many times I play it.

Our kitchen was an utter mess - and most of it wasn't mine. But I ended up cleaning up a lot of it because it was just so disgusting. And I needed clean plates. So not cool. My roommates better get on that shit.

Headed to a party Saturday that I knew about and didn't think I was attending. Then my friend, Bell, got out of work and we went. [Well more like I met her there over an hour after she got there - I got distracted!]

And that's basically where the update is. Because that entire event involves Hat Boy, V, Smooth, Billy, Bell [of course], and a whole bunch of other people that I have yet to make up names for. [Hey, I didn't realize one of them was going to keep popping up in my life!]

But I have been at work way too long. So party update either tonight or tomorrow.

~GF

Friday, June 6, 2008

Back from the Abyss

Ok, so I really wasn't in any abyss or gone for any extend period of time, but I grossly ignored this journal [all the while cursing the writers of other blogs I read when I'm bored at work]. Which is surprising since I found out my work actually allows me to get onto this site because it doesn't let me get on the other networking sites. You'd think I'd be updating this every day!!

Anyways, lots has happened and yet not that much. I shall try to give a reader's digest version of the last month.

My friend MP got and extra ticket to see Disturbed so I jumped at the opportunity to see them with Five Finger Death Punch. Amazing show. I highly suggest anyone go see them if they could.

The next day I tried to go see Mindless Self Indulgence (amazing, seen them 3 or 4 times already) but it sold out moments before I got there. MP was going to go too, so since neither of us did we made plans to hang out. We were going to play lazer tag (or combat something or other that they call it) but there was a private party so by the time I got there I couldn't play.

So we head downtown and just hung out and talked. Which in the whole time I knew him it's never been just the two of us. It was nice. We switched venues and met up with his friends (that got into the show, bastards). It was two couples, so it kinda devolved down to him and me hanging out and tickle fights and arms wrapped around one another and being dangerously close to one another. Then a prolonged, multiple hug goodbye.

I had the distinct feeling a few times that he might kiss me, but he didn't. It brought back all those comments by my friends at my birthday that he liked me.

On the way home from the Disturbed show, this cutie on a street bike was flirting with me, and then gave me his number when we got stopped by traffic. I called, and we met up that Saturday, and then went out on a date the next week. I thought everything went well and I actually surprised myself by liking him more than I though. Then we were making plans to hang out again and I heard nothing. Then on Memorial Day he called me, I missed it, I called him back the next day and now nothing again!

He seemed like a good guy! I kinda don't want to let him fall by the wayside - but I really don't want to chase guys anymore. [Which is funny since he was the one that was very prompt about phone calls and meeting up.] I haven't decided whether I'm going to try and call him again.

My cough came back. Or I guess, more aptly, my asthma came back. It sucked big time. It came back with a vengeance and there was no slow build up to it. I had to go to a walk-in clinic for it and now I have all these tests for it. Not cool.

This awesome chick I know, Stocking [met her at a Christmas party wearing a giant stocking], invited me to her party on a Sunday. For being a freshman in college, she's pretty cool - so I of course went. [Trying to help her get a fake so we can go clubbing together! lol]

It was a very low-key party, but I was having quite a bit of fun. There was this one guy there, Abz, that I noticed as cute when he came in, but thought nothing after that. I guess I was in full "I don't want a guy they keep fucking up mode".

As the night wore on I ended up talking with Abz, mainly about music, and then we got kicked outta the house. He wanted to keep hanging, I had the next day off so I was cool with that. Confusion ensued and we somehow ended up back at my place watching a movie, which actually ended up making out through it all and he ended up crashing in my bed [and just crashing! well, mostly crashing].

He left in the early afternoon, and then came back after work. He somehow [with little persuasion] talked me into skipping a day at work and we hung out all Tuesday until he left at midnight so I could get some sleep. He came back over Thursday night and we went to see Iron Man [it was a cute little date! He even came in a button up shirt too!] and then he stayed until he had to go to work Friday. Then I txt him from downtown Friday night and he came over until he had work on Saturday. Repeat on Saturday night. And then he came over yesterday and walked around my neighborhood for almost two hours.

For a guy who proclaims he doesn't know how to date, or what a real date is, he sure seems to be doing date-like stuff with me.

I like him. Not sure where it's going, but right now I'm just happy with the way things are. :-D

I have surgery in three weeks. Nothing major. I'm not even getting knocked out for it - but they are taking decent sized chunks out of my skin (my back!) so I'll probably have a crappy weekend that week. I'm planning a weekend of movies, sleep, and writing. Hopefully it happens!

I think that (mostly) wraps up the past month.

~GF

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

"Hope is for Sissys"

The subject is a line from tonight's House. I always liked that show, and I like that line. It fits my sentiments exactly. It even fits it in context, which is even cooler.

Nothing that new and exciting to report.

Graduated on Saturday. Found out my grades on Friday, so I definitely did graduate and will get my degree.

It was rather anti-clamatic. I guess because I never not expected to be here. I knew I was going to graduate, so me graduating wasn't that big of a deal.

And any more it's expected of me. That's what I do.

Except I didn't get what I wanted by this point. The things I thought I would have - I don't. And I honestly never really got that close. Which is what makes this all more depressing.

All the hope that I had in the "it will get better in college." "Guys will come to their senses in college." "You'll have guys clamoring for you in college." Has just gone away.

It didn't happen. It hasn't. What everyone said I would get, I haven't. And instead of college is when this all will happen, it has now become "someday." I swear, someday is the new dreaded word.

I don't dread ma'am. I was called it the other day. Maybe because it was by some kid that I knew was quite a few years younger than me, or that at 22 I know that I'm not old.

But the word someday just makes my stomach turn. I hate hearing people say that. It's so ambiguous and cliche. It's what you're supposed to say, not what you believe.

How many of them actually believe that I will have that someday???

I'm not sure if I do.

~GF

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Nice Girls Finish Behind Nice Guys

So that was the topic of part of our conversation the other night. How nice girls finish last, even behind the nice guys. I mean, girls usually come to their senses before guys. So the girls wise up and go for the nice guys. And only after that do the guys wise up and go for the nice girl.

The nice girls are the ones they want to marry, and they don't want to date them until they're ready to marry. Or think they are. Until then they don't want us because they don't want to lose us and they're not ready for us.

So we're just stuck sitting around feeling awful while all the bitches in the world date even the good guys. Get them wrapped around their fingers, have all the fun while we're pulling our hair out wondering what in the hell is wrong with the world.

Now, I know I may come across as arrogant with making myself the nice girl. But I've been called that by numerous dates. I fit the stereotypical mold in quite a few ways.

And I've been called innocent way to many times to not fit into the nice/good girl category.

Oh, that and my shitty run of a love life plays perfectly into that description as well.

It's like you have that feeling that everything fits so well. You both can still be you and retain your old life, while still staying together and having that amazing connection. And then BAM! off they go to some whore of a slut and I'm left standing in the dust.

It sucks. It's really hard to keep it in your head that one day, eventually, you will win out. But it sucks not having to have another to take up your time.

Like, I mean, really, I don't want to get married right now. Or even in the immediate future. But even making that clear does little to effect the outcome.

Hell, even the dorks end up being everything I don't want them to be.

~GF

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Rather Uneventful

It was finals week, so there wasn't much going on. Just work, studying, and tests.

Friday I took a break from it all and went to the Panic at the Disco show. It was overall not that exciting. Getting dangerously close to disappointing. Motion City Soundtrack put on a good show, but the crowd sucked. And the horrible crowd continued on to Panic's part of the show. For the most part everyone just stood there - which just makes the whole show boring.

The crowd always makes the show. They all just stood there. I think a big portion of it all came from the fact that Panic remixed all of their songs from their first album and it probably confused people. I loved it. It was nice to hear the same songs, but mixed up and it really seemed like they were enjoying playing those songs. And with almost two years on the one album I'm pretty sure they're glad to not have to play it exactly like it's on the CD.

So the bands put on an awesome show, the crowd just ruined it.

Then I met up with the lovely Bell to take in downtown. It was a lot of fun. Except the expected run in with V and this time Billy at the end of the night. BD and his gf were there as well. I decided to say goodbye to them (they're moving) in case I don't see them before they do. I really only wanted to say bye to BD [though he's been somewhat cold to me since I've dated V] and he called his gf over so I could say bye too.

I really don't care about her leaving. I agree with Bll - I'm way cooler of a person and would be a WAY more awesome girlfriend.

Sunday I went to the Wake Games. Luckily the friend that bitched me out via txt left as I was showing up. But I got to say hi to my friend she works with and he's totally down with hooking me up with great deals on some of their gear. So yay!!

And BG was there. Whew, he's seriously the only pro in a while I've had a thing for. There was that short thing with another pro, that couldn't really be called a thing, but I liked him for a few weeks.

BG is like 27 or something. A good age I think. He's also gorgeous. Now if only we could really, actually hang out. That would be cool. I think I should date a wakeboarder. It's about time.

Then Becca and I met up for dinner [she was at Wake Games too]. It was fun to catch up and have girl talk. I really love her! In some ways she's a lot like me -- especially in certain things that I don't have in common with my other close friends anymore. It's nice to have someone in that same boat as me and that gets it.

We talked about how nice girls finish last behind even nice boys. [More about that on another post.]

Then we went to try out this karaoke place that RG and his friend told me about.

I know, I know. This guy blew me off and I'm going to show up to a place that I KNOW he'll be at???

Well I decided that I barely knew the guy, and even guys I know really well (*cough* V *cough*) can't stop me from doing something I want to do.

So it was fun. I walked in and saw this guy I thought was RG. And it kinda made me a little sad because he came across way cuter and suave, but still a dork and total fun.

I was trying to find a moment to say hi to his friend Karaoke without Fake RG around, and the timing was off. And I really did think it was him because he kept looking at me a few times! Then all of a sudden the real RG showed up. That threw me for a loop.

I had to regroup and then realized that I could go after Fake RG because he wasn't RG. But I wasn't on my game and didn't really have the energy to. It seems Fake RG knows a lot of the people that came to karoke (and I think RG himself too) so he should be around. [Did I mentioned he had a pretty nice body too??]

I finally got a chance to say hi to Karaoke. Part of me kinda wishes he wasn't married. He's definitely cute and very happy and has a fun personality. Oh well, friends works too!

As we chatted, he asked if I had seen RG. I mumbled something and then Karaoke had to go change the song (RG was standing right at the DJ set-up). Karaoke came back and tried to talk us into singing [I said that we'd get a big group and come back and then we'll totally do it... especially if I'm drunk] and RG had sauntered down to our little group. When he caught my eye he was all like "Oh! Hey..." as if he didn't know I was there.

I find it very hard to believe that Karaoke didn't mention that I was there. But Becca and I were on our way out so I didn't stick around for drama or an explanation.

Part of me kinda wished that he would call the next day or something, but I'm ok with him not doing that. Worst comes to worse, I can just flirt with Fake RG whenever I go to karaoke.

Or bring BG. Hehe.

Yay for wishful thinking!!!

~GF

Friday, April 25, 2008

Almost Over

Just finished two more finals today. That means I have one more final left in my undergraduate career. And lucky for me I only need a 62% in order to make an A for the class. That makes for a stress free final.

RG is still MIA. Oh well. Though it'll make it interesting that I was going to see if Becca wanted to go to the karaoke thing his friend had mentioned to me. Screw him - we'll go anyways if she wants. Lol

AC is still around in conversations. He's ankle is healing well and he's coming down here at the end of June. Which seems so far away, but really it's not that long from now. Two months. It'll be interesting to see what happens when he comes back.

He's driving down, which is strange. Part of me has a sinking feeling he might mention something about moving back here. It'd be fun to have him back in town and be able to hang with all his friends, but I'm pretty sure that if he did move back - it'd be for me.

Wow. I sound fucking conceited, but it's well founded. He stayed around here last time for me, and when I kinda disappeared on him (unintentionally) he just moved back home because I guess I was the only thing keeping him here.

I don't like being the only thing keeping them here. The same thing happened with B right before he moved away. It's too much pressure on me if that's the case. It's like everytime we argue or I can't spend time with them it's all that guilt of "they're only here for me". I don't like it

I got my graduation cap and gown the other day. It's slowly starting to sink in. Though rather crappy that my parents are the only family coming to my graduation. My stupid brother can't come out because he forgot to put the time in months ago when my parents told him about it!

Becca's going to come though! Which just makes me love her even more. I wish she lived in Orlando and not almost an hour away :-(

Oh!!!! I almost forgot! I won a fellowship for grad school! It's basically a scholarship. $5000 for the fall and spring semester plus 9 credit hours covered. That basically works out to covering my entire tuition and about 10 months rent. That's freaking insane! All I need to come up with is 2 months rent and the money for books and food/gas/entertainment - which I can easily do!!

I will come away from my MBA not only debt free, but having most of the money my parents put aside for school still intact! And there's a damn good change of me even having saved a good amount of money.

I would have more saved, except me and CC have decided to go to Europe next year. I'm freaking stoked about!!! I'm going to EUROPE for at least TWO WEEKS. I always wanted to, but never thought I'd have the money to do that for a while. And I probably wouldn't if I didn't get this fellowship. The fellowship turned Europe from a slight possibility to an almost certainty [money wise].

Guess with all that I should be happier than I feel.

~GF

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Crappy Day

So yesterday was a mess.

Had a routine dermatologist appointment that ended in the biopsy of three moles. Which didn't seem like that big of deal at the time it happened. Apparently the numbing shot works pretty well, but only for a short period of time.

The appointment happened to be back at my hometown, where my parents still live, so I was headed back to Orlando and to work when my car died about 2 miles from my house. Which utterly sucked, but as I was only a few miles from the intrastate, it would have sucked much more to die on that road.

Especially the way my car died. With three jerks and then it was done, no acceleration. It would have been dreadful on the intrastate.

It took a little over an hour for the AAA tow-truck to show up. Lucky for me, the guy whose house I broke down in front of brought me out a chair and a bottle of water while I waited.

I was home for an hour or so before my dad was to fix my car. By then my back started to hurt from the biopsy. My car was a quick fix. Litterally a screw loose in the spark plug area that kept the car from creating a spark.

And a spark is crucial to the working matters of a car.

Then my mom decided to be generous and change my bandaids. Holy hell did that hurt. Gah, pain all around.

I got home, passed out, woke up, ate, chatted a bit with friends, and then passed out again til this morning. Now this is just becoming a horribly boring recounting of my crappy day.

Oh, and I sent RG and text in the morning. I haven't heard back yet. That excitement didn't last long. Or, at least I'm pretty sure I sent him a text. My message box was full on my cell, so I deleted it all so I can't double check that I did in fact send it to him.

Randomness is no longer so great.

~GF

Friday, April 18, 2008

I Always Liked Concerts...

So I went to a concert last night. Alone. I haven't done that in a while. Saves the Day and Armor for Sleep.

Going alone is always interesting. Sometimes it turns out good, sometimes it turns out bad.

This time it started out rocky. There weren't a lot of people there and it was damn cold. So I grabbed a drink and headed upstairs to the porch. No one out there of much interest. So I just sat down and enjoyed my drink since the music of the opening bands sucked. During the second drink a group next to me I had exchanged a few words with reacted to this random guy (RG) that had somewhat caught my interest when he said something. I was then drawn into the conversation, and became part of the group when they found out I went by myself.

I left the group to go to the bathroom, and luckily there weren't many people at the show so I easily found them on the floor. Surpisingly, my friend Rachel was now part of the group too. It was a welcomed addition to the night. Nice to have someone I knew to talk to with the new people.

Armor for Sleep blew a guitar amp and their music just doesn't do well with only one guitar. They were only able to play about five songs because they couldn't fix the amp (or borrow someone else's for some reason) and the songs just wouldn't sound good at all with only one guitar. I felt bad for them! I really like them, and the singer looked like he felt naked on stage without his guitar.

Saves the Day was a surprise. I knew the name, but it didn't register much with me. But when they started to play their first song, it instantly hit me that I not only knew them, I had seen them live. So that was nice. I knew one CD by them and they played the whole thing. I didn't know the other songs, but it was still fun.

The group of us sat outside talking for a bit and people slowly started to leave. Rachel and her friend. RG's friend. Then Rachel's friend, RG, and me sat talking for quite a bit and then Rachel's friend had to leave. RG and I had parked in the same direction, so we walked that way.

As we were walking, RG asked if I wanted to go get a drink with him. One drink to be specific. I told him ok as long as it was somewhere warm, so he gave me his hoodie to wear as we walked.

We decided where to go, but had a hard time getting there. We stood at my car talking for a while before we finally left for the restaraunt. I took a slightly longer way to get there because I didn't want to sit there by myself for a while and feel like a moron. As I was pullin into the parking lot I saw him walking towards the restaraunt, and he must have seen me since he walked to meet me at my car.

We had a lot of fun just sitting and talking. And then we played some trivial games at the bar, which I totally kicked his ass on.

Then the bar closed and we walked outside, and just sat there leaning against my car talking. Some random British guy walked up to us and asked us where the bathroom was. That's not really important, but it was pretty random and set off a walk through the drive through conversation as he was walking around the cars in the McDonald's drive through.

RG's phone had died, so he had me write down my number on his hand. All "highschool" like as he said. I thought it was cute. And I liked that he didn't just give me his number since my phone wasn't dead and ask me to call him.

After a ton of failed attempts to leave, we finally managed it around 5am. He told me that he'd send me a text once he got home so I'd have his number or whatever. And he did.

He's supposed to call me today after he gets out of work to watch a movie. So we'll see if he does.

~GF

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Much Ado About Nothing...

So I've been sitting here thinking of what I was going to write. I had it in my head at one point, but it disappeared from my head between brushing my teeth and crawling into bed with my laptop. Now I'm just sitting here trying to remember what exactly I was thinking.

But then I get distracted by all the stuff that the online world has brought into my life. On top of my rant of not liking to friend boys I just started dating on this sites I am now adding friending ex boyfriends. Or, rather, keeping them friends. Though I rant about it, even though my exes are all still friends with me on those sites.

It's awful. Even if you've moved to a point where you're friends. Logging on to see that they have a girlfriend or some girl leaving cute little comments like you used to...it just brings those instant pangs of jealousy no matter how over you it you are.

Well, ok, that's not entirely true. While I may still check bulletins D posts, I don't go to his page anymore. I'm not so sure I'd be jealous about the cute message left on his profile. I'm indifferent when it comes to him.

Maybe that's what truly over someone is. When you're just indifferent.

Maybe I'm not over B. Ok, if I have to admit it I'm not 100% over B, but it's like 98%. And that 2% is enough to keep us from getting back together. At this point.

Then again, he was a tricky situation. We broke up because he moved, and not for anyother reason. [Though there were reasons that would have broken us up if he didn't move and those reasons didn't change.] I've always said that the only way I would get back together with someone was if it was a mutual, clean break. Basically meaning someone moved away or we were just at so different a place in life that we just didn't mesh.

If circumstance/situation broke us up and not ourselves or actions of ourselves broke us up. Unfortunately, that also keeps one heart-string tied to that person. Just one, but it's still one.

Though, with B I think the roughest thing for me to handle is that he's cleaned up his act a lot since I dated him. Not fully, if when I visited him is anything like it still is, but it's still a big step from where he was. I'm uber proud of him, but there's also the huge jealousy that the new girl will get the B I wanted. The B I fought for. The B I helped bring out.

It's the unfairness of her getting to be with the good B that I always wanted and KNEW was in him, while I had to fight with the old B to help bring this out of him and get him to the better point. The whole "why couldn't that have been me."

Someone else get the tough parts and I get the good parts. I always get the tough parts.

Well, actually, this is probably stemming from him calling me a friend. "That's what friends are for." Strange how such little words can hurt. I can't say hurt. Hurt is the wrong word. They just kinda stung. That whole left-over love thing I guess.

I think this TV show I saw might be right. It said something to the effect of how all girls expect their exes to stay single forever and mourn not being with them anymore. Could that be true????

~GF

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Ending of an Era

In a little more than two weeks I will be graduating with my undergraduate degree. How freaking crazy is that?? It feels like I just got to college the other day. The reality hasn't sunk in yet.

In three weeks I will start working 40 hours a week. I've come close to working 40 hours a week, but never for the almost 4 months that I will be. It's crazy. The closest thing to a "real job" I will have before I get my real job. Which includes me having to wake up super early to make it to work because of the long commute.

Looking back, I'm trying to reflect on all that I learned, but at the same time I'm trying not to think about it all. School was easy - personal life, not so much. I've worked my ass off to get to the point where they're not on the forefront of my thought.

While I don't regret most of what happened, I'd like to not think about it anymore. I don't want it weighing on me anymore. Which is really hard to do. Especially with this tech-centered age where I'm bombarded by information about ex's and guys I used to date. In some ways it's nice to know that years from now we could reconnect and become friends or something, but at the moment I really don't want to be around it.

I don't like having BB's pictures with his stupid girlfriend pop up on my screen when I log in. Saying they broke up? Fine. Pictures of her tongue down his throat? Seriously, does anyone have class anymore?

I'm worried for my generation and the one after us. Does no one realize that ANYTHING you post on the Internet, in all likelihood, will stay on the Internet forever?? Even if you deleted it, it could be archived somewhere or someone put it on their page or somewhere else and it's there and still tied to you.

I try to only post stuff I won't want to delete later on. Mabye other people should try that....

~GF

Drama Drama Drama

So the drama is getting to me less. Trying to have some fun and just kinda let it all go.

Red Bull had a wakeboard thing this weekend for all the colleges. It was a freaking blast. So much fun. And Tequila Boy was there. He's someone that's been around for a while. The short of it was, had a crush on his friend way back when. The friend had a girlfriend but was pushing me and Tequila Boy (whom I got drunk off taking shots of tequila with me) so I figured he was single. We almost kissed, but another friend of his walked in on us. A few months later a mutual friend tells me that Tequila Boy had been in a relationship for well over a year (and still was). Since broken up. It's all been friendly like between us since then.

He's cute and probably would be fun as hell to date. Who knows? He's supposed to take me kiteboarding sometime. That'll be fun. :-D

Ran into V, again, downtown Saturday night. Smooth, Billy, Hat Boy, and others were all there. I saw Hat Boy as I was headed into the club and I hadn't seen him in weeks so it was a huge hug run up to say hi. He said that "V and everyone else is back there" and he would be right back.

Don't know why he mentioned V. Doesn't everyone know we aren't dating anymore???

But I ran back there to say hi to everyone, well everyone but V. Smooth makes me smile. Even though he's way older than me (older than V!!) he totally makes me smile [but not in any way a I-want-to-date-you smile].

So I was talking to people, but not saying anything to V. I said hi, that was it. Apparently he doesn't like it when I don't give him attention [yet, when I do he just makes bullshit excuses and forgets me when I'm out of sight] because he kept trying to interject himself into conversations I was having. Like at one point I got tired of it and just "jokingly" shoved my hand in his face and was like blah, leave us alone.

Haha. It totally felt good. When I was leaving he said something to me, and I responded that I went to that bar way before I met him, so he must be stalking me since he's always there. He agreed, though I'm pretty sure he was just joking or something. Whatever.

I'm kinda blah that I haven't really heard from Bandanna. He had to help a friend out last weekend and had to cancel plans before we made definite ones. He said he'd get to me either way this past week because he should be in town. I saw him on the website and was going to IM him, but he got off before I got around to it.

Sigh. I'm going to send him a message to get it over with. No sense in dragging this shit out til he "remembers" me again.

Oh, and to wrap it all V is taking BD's place in his band (Hat Boy is also in said band). So part of the reason I go won't be in the band anymore (but probably at most of the shows), and a reason I don't want to go will be at every show. WTF?!?!? Like I could deal with seeing V at the shows, but now if I go I'm indirectly cheering and clapping for him -- even if I'm not. So not good.

I need a cute boy to go to the show with.

[I wonder what the reason is for BD leaving the band? Though V is a lot closer to everyone in age. [They replace the youngin' with someone older than them!! haha]]

~GF

Friday, April 11, 2008

More Drama, Less Bullshit

So I've been thinking, but not thinking, and I think I've come to a conclusion. I don't like drama, and to that end I tend to let some bullshit slide or not call people out on it. Taking the "well I know, I don't need to cause drama by pointing that out" path. But it hasn't worked! I've been around bullshit and can't get away from it.

Well, this past weekend I called out on the bullshit. I confronted V - on my own terms. Finally got to ambush him. He didn't really cop to it, but I really liked that I was like "I'm so freaking tired of the bullshit, don't tell me you want me to forgive you and you want to be friends - if you don't mean it and don't plan on returning my calls!"

I mean, it's not a difficult thing that I asked of him. Even he couldn't argue that. I just expect my friends to return my phone call. He didn't. That's not what I call being a friend. But he still wouldn't even cop to it. He used his lame "I've been busy, I have no excuse" which is total bullshit since I keep running into him downtown where he's drinking and having a good time. He's obviously not that busy. Whatever. I'm glad I called him out. It helped me move on.

Which I have.

Except now that I have, I wonder if I could just like use him to make out with. He was good at it. It was fun. It'd kinda be payback. Haha. Fuck with him. Gah, I probably won't end up doing that.

So I think I'm going to try a new point of attack - call people on their bullshit. Don't wait it out to see if it really is bullshit. Don't let it slide by for the sake of avoiding drama. If there's going to be drama, it's going to be on my terms. And dammit, if I'm just calling people on their bullshit I'm not causing the drama - they are with their bullshit.

And I'm completely ok with have to apologize for putting my foot in my mouth if I get it wrong. I'm ok with getting it wrong. I'm not ok with wrong things happening to me.

~GF

Friday, April 4, 2008

Losing a Friend

So to add the the frustration that I've already had this week, I lost a friend too. And was sideswiped by it all to boot.

I was planning to go to OWC to wakeboard after work on Wednesday. One friend was supposed to meet me there, and I sent a text to my other friend asking if she wanted to meet me there. What unfolded next knocked me off my feet. I get a text back about how awful of a person I am and how her new friends can't believe that she puts up with me and basically said she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

Come to find out she was upset that I was jealous about her job. Which I admitted, I wanted it but was under contract with the current job I have. Still that shouldn't upset her that much. Hell, she knew I wanted it and kept going on and on about how great it was and how much stuff she got. If anything I should be mad at her for rubbing it in my face.

Then she says how she didn't like it that I mentioned I helped her get the job. But I did! I told her about it. It was my friend that was already working there. The boss actually even said he didn't think she would work for the job off of her resume. I knew she needed a job bad, and figured that if I couldn't get it - the next best thing would be to get one of my best friends the job. So I talked her up and pushed my friend to help her get the job, gave her the contact info on my friend, and she ended up getting the job.

Is it so wrong for me to mention it when a friend of hers asks me if I work with her or how I knew her??? Does me mentioning that I helped her get the job equal me putting her down and criticizing her? No, but that's how she took it. I remember when she was freaking stoked that I helped her get it and was thanking me all the time. She was the one who said she was going to hook me up with free stuff, but then proceeded to hook up all her new friends and not me.

I guess I should have seen it then, that my "good friend" failed to hook me up with stuff but all her new friends did.

The last thing she mentioned was how, in front of a guy she was "really interested in" (translation: had just met a few hours ago - she tends to go through guys quickly) I mention that we haven't gone downtown in a while. It came up in conversation, I didn't say it out of malice or anything. If anything I was joking about it! But apparently to her me mentioning that was awful and me telling him that she was no fun. Which I never said.

She was basically blaming me that a guy she had known for all of 8 hours, if that, didn't call her back. Which is ridiculous because I didn't say anything bad. It's not my fault if he didn't call her back. Maybe making a point to go outta your way to see him play an acoustic show 4 hours after you met him and having to bring friends he doesn't know since no one from the event wanted to come.

Shrug. Whatever.

So either way, I had been so tired of the drama. And I really don't need a friend that's going to go that mental after ALL that I've done for her since I've met her. If she wants to let her new friends control her opinion on people in her life - so be it. Lets see if they stick by her like I did.

I didn't argue. There wasn't much of a point. She was set in her way. Plus arguing via text is stupider than arguing on AIM. So I told her that I wasn't happy about it, but if she was going to be like that, so be it. And haven't heard from her since.

So much for having a lot of chick friends in town.

~GF

Maybe? This Time??

Maybe I've finally reverted back to my old, numb self. And that idea is way more pleasing the disappointing.

I think numb isn't the right word for those that aren't inside my head. What I mean is at this point I don't really care. Though since it has been maybe 48 hours, I don't place much faith or happiness in this new-found lack of feeling.

I'd like to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship. I'm just so damn tired of the bullshit that leads up to a relationship. Mainly because it almost never (for me) actually leads up to a relationship! It always falls short. And it just gets disheartening getting so close and yet never having it.

So now, even though I'm talking to some guys I met online, and have a crush on someone that works downtown, and wants to hit up happy hour in hopes of meeting new people. I don't think I want to date.

In fact (I haven't fully decided), but I think I want to take an active step to not dating. Hanging out, going out and doing something, maybe date-like situation. But I don't want it to be dating in the official sense.

I want to go to sleep in my bed alone, wake up alone, and return at a reasonable hour. Keep it at maybe, if I really like the guy, making out.

Holding off on the Myspace and Facebook friending until I can't anymore. And maybe even keeping away from the AIM. Or maybe I should pick an AIM that's JUST for guys that I date. So I can sign off when I don't want to talk to them or be able to check up on them. Hmmm..... that's kind of a good idea. I may just have to do that.

Now to think of an unused screen name that I like....

~GF

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Deja Vu

So what apparently is par for the course for me had happened again. Things were going great with BB. Though he had me wondering for a while because he didn't kiss me the first four times we hung out, but we would flirt a lot online and talk a lot so it didn't add up. Then finally he came over to watch a movie and pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me and then was just like "movie's over" and proceeded to curl up in my bed instead of leave like he did previous times. And after talking for a while he finally kised me and that was it. We both couldn't stop. I didn't want to fall to fast, but I was happy and he made me smile.

Then he invited me over to his place the next night. He was supposed to come to mine, but his roommate had blocked him in so I drove over. And it was so cute. We made out, he always had his arms around me, and it was starting to feel right. He was always away online for the next few days, so I just figured he was busy. Then I sent him a really cute message after a show I went to asking for a massage since he always liked giving me one, and strangely didn't hear back.

I log on to Facebook [God do I freaking hate these online communities most of the time] and it says he's in a relationship! And considering I hadn't talked to him in like five days, I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. So today, I call him and left him a voicemail asking what was up - in more words then that. He called back almost immediately and fessed up to being a dick and that he should have told me. He said something about it happening the day after I spent the night (not sure if it was the day of the morning I left or the next day) and then backtracked to say he didn't get in a relationship that day. So that basically means that he met her and in less than a week she was his girlfriend, but after dating me for a few weeks I was easily tossed aside.

Of course BB goes on about how he wants to be friends, and that he understands if I don't want to be because he was a dick. I can't really hate him, I just hate the fucking situation!! I was starting to really like him, and I thought he was different and it turned out not to be!

That, and if he did just meet her I REALLY hope it becomes one of those burn-quick relationships. I don't hate him but I SO don't want it to last. Hey - I'm improving, it's not like I want his heart to break over it all. I'd just like it to be short, and then maybe be able to... well I should just stop talking about this shit.

~GF

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Spring Break Wrap Up

So this past week was my last spring break of college, at least for undergrad. And my grandiose plans of having an awesome spring break went out the door a few weeks before.

Tuesday I headed home to the 'rents and then to my bro's for a get-together. That was rather uneventful. Still kind of the black sheep of the family - at least that part of the family - but I really don't care anymore. I like who I am and my life, so if they don't it's not my problem.

Wednesday I headed back to Orlando and picked up Amanda and met her friend Carla. Amanda and I headed back to my place and then went out to eat. We headed downtown, to find that Wednesdays really are dead downtown. A lot of guys we had no interest in hit on us. But the bright side is that I actually said something to Vintage! Well, he said it to me and I replied. We were walking by and he asked how I (maybe we?) were doing and I said good. And we went in there to end the night, but I didn't talk to him anymore. There's always girls around him. :-( But he looks gorgeous even out of his suit and in a nice dress shirt.

Thursday we went to Universal Studios. It was fun. Nothing much to report, though we acted like kids in their kid zone and took a lot of pictures. Real friends are ones you can act like you're 5 with when you're really 22. Maybe the best part of the day was the dinner at Margaritaville. Mmmm... that place is so freaking good I wish it was closer to where I live.

Friday was the dreaded CD release show for BD's band. And of course, like I knew, V was there. I show up to the concert almost an hour after it started, and V and Smooth were right in front of me. I said hi to Smooth first, and then V went to give me a hug. Which I stopped at just a half-hug at best, though I really just wanted to push him off of me. He said he owed me an apology, to which I said yeah, with obvious annoyance in his voice. I think he was slightly taken aback by my brashness.

He said he didn't have any excuse for why he did that. That he was real busy with work and such, but that it was no excuse. Then he asked if I forgave him. I told him it wasn't that simple. We were at a show, it wasn't exactly a place where I could pull him aside and ask him what I wanted - if he REALLY wants me to forgive him anyways. And I still don't know exactly what he wants!

I mean, it got really hard for me at times to forget that he did that to me and I should be mad at him. At times, it was so easy to fall back into the ease we always had each other. One of his friends even wanted a picture of us, and he just wrapped his arms around me like he used to and I couldn't help but smile at how good it felt. But once his arms were gone, I was hit with the sudden realization that I don't know how to take gestures from him like that anymore.

I talked with Smooth, Billy, Alberto and a bunch of new people throughout the night. The good thing about that crowd is I know so many people it usually isn't that bad when I go alone. BD and I are back on hugging terms - though it's definitely different hugs than pre-V era. His gf got up on stage with the band a sang. I knew she sang, but I wasn't so impressed.

Saturday night I headed downtown with my group of friends I haven't hung out with in a while. It was fun, though JB started getting a lil touchy feely and I didn't get to talk to the cute guys that were at the club because they disappeared. Thankfully a sun burn helped me escape the awkwardness as JB hugged me goodbye. I had a slight feeling he might have gone in for a kiss (we made out a few times back in like August) which I'm just not up for, with him, anymore.

Now I'm just stuck with the hell of trying to put together a huge project for a class that I need to pass. It's due in four days, and it's an UTTER mess. I'm sure I'll be stuck working on that for the next four days.

~GF

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Playing Catch Up

So I start this to work on refining my writing skills and to find inspiration, and I can't even keep it up!! I'll try to recap the last few days as quickly as possible.

Friday I went ice skating with my friends Dawn and Susan. Besides all the little kids trying to kill us on the ice, it was pretty fun. On my way home I decided to stop by this new guy's show. We had been talking online for a bit (hey, sometimes this internet thing works) and the show was like 5 minutes from my house so I figured I'd stop by. I forgot to look at BB's photos before I left and was really hoping he'd recognize me. I heard his name, so I thought it was him (hell, he's 6'5 so he's kinda hard to miss) and luckily he came up to me.

Luckily he was also cute, and we got along pretty well. His band was good too, always a plus. It'd be difficult to date a guy when I didn't like his band. We left it with a semi-awkward hug, but we continued chatting online once we got home. He seems to not be the typical musician, but I've thought that before. I was starting to have a crush on his friend, Nekid, but I knew that he was like the stereotypical musician that I want to stay away from. It's good that I'm starting to recognize those! He totally stripped on stage though. I look up and I see a naked ass and a well-placed guitar....I really didn't want to see him naked on stage, so I'm glad I didn't.

On Saturday I had a migraine, which means I was lazying around the house doing nothing and not feeling well. Yet again alone. Migraines are something you definitely don't want to be alone for. When you're in that much pain, it would be comforting to be able to curl up in someone's lap. I got a message from another guy I had been chatting online with, Bandanna, and he was in town and wanting to meet up. It was at night already, and with my migraine earlier.

Leaving the decision up to my friend Sterling, I hopped in the shower and quickly grabbed an outfit out together and ran out the door. Little did I know a cold front had hit Florida, but I soldiered on. Getting into the bar I realized I spent all my cash on the parking, and they require $10 minimum for credit cards. Bandanna showed up just in time, and was even a gentlement and bought my drink. He's a few inches shorter than me, but so was D so the height doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother them.

So I was having a blast with Bandanna dancing and getting to know him. When out of the corner of my eye I see sudden movement, which catches my attention and I turn around to look and I see Billy, a mutual friend of mine and V, and I realized that the sudden movement was V ducking behind a pole to hide once he saw me. I wanted to say hi to my friend Billy, but I decided to ignore the whole situation.

I'm still hanging out with Bandanna when V's roommate Smooth walks out from behind the wall and acts all surprised when he catches my eye. I adore him to death, so I didn't care that it was obvious that V sent him out as a buffer or something. So I ran up to him and chatted with him briefly before he disappeared behind the pole. So I went back to dancing with Bandanna, when someone grabs hold of my hip and then lets go. I turn around to find the elusive V had decided to talk to me.

"Hey, how are you" he said.

"Great. You."

"Good."

And our conversation is interrupted by an awkward silence. Him not knowing what to say, or not having the guts to say it, and me refusing to say anything to the guy that had ignored me for the last two months but decided to come up to me with a big grin on his face like nothing happened. We exchanged a hi and a wave, but nothing more was said. I met his stare with darting my eyes around nervously, and eventually shrugging my shoulders with my face reflecting the thought of "I have nothing to say to you." He said something, but I couldn't hear the words coming out of his mouth, and then he pointed to where his group was heading. Maybe he wanted me to follow, but I wasn't giving him the satisfaction of that. I came to meet Bandanna, not stir up some drama with V.

His group hovered near ours for the rest of the night. For the times I've hung out with the group, it seemed quite odd. No matter where I was in the club, I could look up and see V within a short distance of me, but never making a move to talk. It even went so far that when I went to get a glass of water, I returned to find V and his (and our) friends mere feet from Bandanna and his friend. I ignored them as I passed by.

I'm sure he wanted to say more from me, but didn't want to say it in front of Bandanna and didn't want to make it seem forced to get me away from him. I felt slightly good that V had to watch me dance and hang out with Bandanna, especially in the spot where we first hung out and danced together. It was nice to know it was him that ran, and he that used his friends to figure out our run in, while I got to be completely cool about the situation and come out with a complete smile on my face.

Sunday I met up for a Walmart date with BB. When ran around Walmart for a short bit and got to talk. He's definitely someone I could see myself hanging out with. But we ended it again with an awkward hug, though slightly less awkward then before. Maybe it's because he's so much taller than me. Hugs with my brother who's that tall have always been awkward, though that's a whole other issue. Though my hug with Scuba, have never been awkward like that. Then again, we were never close to dating.

Is it bad that when I saw BB the first time, I was like man he's cute. But if he just switched out his clothes for this he'd be freaking hott. Sigh, sometimes guys need a girl to tell 'em how to dress. But I don't want to tell him and let some other chick snag him up.

~GF