Rather Uneventful

It was finals week, so there wasn't much going on. Just work, studying, and tests.

Friday I took a break from it all and went to the Panic at the Disco show. It was overall not that exciting. Getting dangerously close to disappointing. Motion City Soundtrack put on a good show, but the crowd sucked. And the horrible crowd continued on to Panic's part of the show. For the most part everyone just stood there - which just makes the whole show boring.

The crowd always makes the show. They all just stood there. I think a big portion of it all came from the fact that Panic remixed all of their songs from their first album and it probably confused people. I loved it. It was nice to hear the same songs, but mixed up and it really seemed like they were enjoying playing those songs. And with almost two years on the one album I'm pretty sure they're glad to not have to play it exactly like it's on the CD.

So the bands put on an awesome show, the crowd just ruined it.

Then I met up with the lovely Bell to take in downtown. It was a lot of fun. Except the expected run in with V and this time Billy at the end of the night. BD and his gf were there as well. I decided to say goodbye to them (they're moving) in case I don't see them before they do. I really only wanted to say bye to BD [though he's been somewhat cold to me since I've dated V] and he called his gf over so I could say bye too.

I really don't care about her leaving. I agree with Bll - I'm way cooler of a person and would be a WAY more awesome girlfriend.

Sunday I went to the Wake Games. Luckily the friend that bitched me out via txt left as I was showing up. But I got to say hi to my friend she works with and he's totally down with hooking me up with great deals on some of their gear. So yay!!

And BG was there. Whew, he's seriously the only pro in a while I've had a thing for. There was that short thing with another pro, that couldn't really be called a thing, but I liked him for a few weeks.

BG is like 27 or something. A good age I think. He's also gorgeous. Now if only we could really, actually hang out. That would be cool. I think I should date a wakeboarder. It's about time.

Then Becca and I met up for dinner [she was at Wake Games too]. It was fun to catch up and have girl talk. I really love her! In some ways she's a lot like me -- especially in certain things that I don't have in common with my other close friends anymore. It's nice to have someone in that same boat as me and that gets it.

We talked about how nice girls finish last behind even nice boys. [More about that on another post.]

Then we went to try out this karaoke place that RG and his friend told me about.

I know, I know. This guy blew me off and I'm going to show up to a place that I KNOW he'll be at???

Well I decided that I barely knew the guy, and even guys I know really well (*cough* V *cough*) can't stop me from doing something I want to do.

So it was fun. I walked in and saw this guy I thought was RG. And it kinda made me a little sad because he came across way cuter and suave, but still a dork and total fun.

I was trying to find a moment to say hi to his friend Karaoke without Fake RG around, and the timing was off. And I really did think it was him because he kept looking at me a few times! Then all of a sudden the real RG showed up. That threw me for a loop.

I had to regroup and then realized that I could go after Fake RG because he wasn't RG. But I wasn't on my game and didn't really have the energy to. It seems Fake RG knows a lot of the people that came to karoke (and I think RG himself too) so he should be around. [Did I mentioned he had a pretty nice body too??]

I finally got a chance to say hi to Karaoke. Part of me kinda wishes he wasn't married. He's definitely cute and very happy and has a fun personality. Oh well, friends works too!

As we chatted, he asked if I had seen RG. I mumbled something and then Karaoke had to go change the song (RG was standing right at the DJ set-up). Karaoke came back and tried to talk us into singing [I said that we'd get a big group and come back and then we'll totally do it... especially if I'm drunk] and RG had sauntered down to our little group. When he caught my eye he was all like "Oh! Hey..." as if he didn't know I was there.

I find it very hard to believe that Karaoke didn't mention that I was there. But Becca and I were on our way out so I didn't stick around for drama or an explanation.

Part of me kinda wished that he would call the next day or something, but I'm ok with him not doing that. Worst comes to worse, I can just flirt with Fake RG whenever I go to karaoke.

Or bring BG. Hehe.

Yay for wishful thinking!!!

~GF

Almost Over

Just finished two more finals today. That means I have one more final left in my undergraduate career. And lucky for me I only need a 62% in order to make an A for the class. That makes for a stress free final.

RG is still MIA. Oh well. Though it'll make it interesting that I was going to see if Becca wanted to go to the karaoke thing his friend had mentioned to me. Screw him - we'll go anyways if she wants. Lol

AC is still around in conversations. He's ankle is healing well and he's coming down here at the end of June. Which seems so far away, but really it's not that long from now. Two months. It'll be interesting to see what happens when he comes back.

He's driving down, which is strange. Part of me has a sinking feeling he might mention something about moving back here. It'd be fun to have him back in town and be able to hang with all his friends, but I'm pretty sure that if he did move back - it'd be for me.

Wow. I sound fucking conceited, but it's well founded. He stayed around here last time for me, and when I kinda disappeared on him (unintentionally) he just moved back home because I guess I was the only thing keeping him here.

I don't like being the only thing keeping them here. The same thing happened with B right before he moved away. It's too much pressure on me if that's the case. It's like everytime we argue or I can't spend time with them it's all that guilt of "they're only here for me". I don't like it

I got my graduation cap and gown the other day. It's slowly starting to sink in. Though rather crappy that my parents are the only family coming to my graduation. My stupid brother can't come out because he forgot to put the time in months ago when my parents told him about it!

Becca's going to come though! Which just makes me love her even more. I wish she lived in Orlando and not almost an hour away :-(

Oh!!!! I almost forgot! I won a fellowship for grad school! It's basically a scholarship. $5000 for the fall and spring semester plus 9 credit hours covered. That basically works out to covering my entire tuition and about 10 months rent. That's freaking insane! All I need to come up with is 2 months rent and the money for books and food/gas/entertainment - which I can easily do!!

I will come away from my MBA not only debt free, but having most of the money my parents put aside for school still intact! And there's a damn good change of me even having saved a good amount of money.

I would have more saved, except me and CC have decided to go to Europe next year. I'm freaking stoked about!!! I'm going to EUROPE for at least TWO WEEKS. I always wanted to, but never thought I'd have the money to do that for a while. And I probably wouldn't if I didn't get this fellowship. The fellowship turned Europe from a slight possibility to an almost certainty [money wise].

Guess with all that I should be happier than I feel.

~GF

Crappy Day

So yesterday was a mess.

Had a routine dermatologist appointment that ended in the biopsy of three moles. Which didn't seem like that big of deal at the time it happened. Apparently the numbing shot works pretty well, but only for a short period of time.

The appointment happened to be back at my hometown, where my parents still live, so I was headed back to Orlando and to work when my car died about 2 miles from my house. Which utterly sucked, but as I was only a few miles from the intrastate, it would have sucked much more to die on that road.

Especially the way my car died. With three jerks and then it was done, no acceleration. It would have been dreadful on the intrastate.

It took a little over an hour for the AAA tow-truck to show up. Lucky for me, the guy whose house I broke down in front of brought me out a chair and a bottle of water while I waited.

I was home for an hour or so before my dad was to fix my car. By then my back started to hurt from the biopsy. My car was a quick fix. Litterally a screw loose in the spark plug area that kept the car from creating a spark.

And a spark is crucial to the working matters of a car.

Then my mom decided to be generous and change my bandaids. Holy hell did that hurt. Gah, pain all around.

I got home, passed out, woke up, ate, chatted a bit with friends, and then passed out again til this morning. Now this is just becoming a horribly boring recounting of my crappy day.

Oh, and I sent RG and text in the morning. I haven't heard back yet. That excitement didn't last long. Or, at least I'm pretty sure I sent him a text. My message box was full on my cell, so I deleted it all so I can't double check that I did in fact send it to him.

Randomness is no longer so great.

~GF

I Always Liked Concerts...

So I went to a concert last night. Alone. I haven't done that in a while. Saves the Day and Armor for Sleep.

Going alone is always interesting. Sometimes it turns out good, sometimes it turns out bad.

This time it started out rocky. There weren't a lot of people there and it was damn cold. So I grabbed a drink and headed upstairs to the porch. No one out there of much interest. So I just sat down and enjoyed my drink since the music of the opening bands sucked. During the second drink a group next to me I had exchanged a few words with reacted to this random guy (RG) that had somewhat caught my interest when he said something. I was then drawn into the conversation, and became part of the group when they found out I went by myself.

I left the group to go to the bathroom, and luckily there weren't many people at the show so I easily found them on the floor. Surpisingly, my friend Rachel was now part of the group too. It was a welcomed addition to the night. Nice to have someone I knew to talk to with the new people.

Armor for Sleep blew a guitar amp and their music just doesn't do well with only one guitar. They were only able to play about five songs because they couldn't fix the amp (or borrow someone else's for some reason) and the songs just wouldn't sound good at all with only one guitar. I felt bad for them! I really like them, and the singer looked like he felt naked on stage without his guitar.

Saves the Day was a surprise. I knew the name, but it didn't register much with me. But when they started to play their first song, it instantly hit me that I not only knew them, I had seen them live. So that was nice. I knew one CD by them and they played the whole thing. I didn't know the other songs, but it was still fun.

The group of us sat outside talking for a bit and people slowly started to leave. Rachel and her friend. RG's friend. Then Rachel's friend, RG, and me sat talking for quite a bit and then Rachel's friend had to leave. RG and I had parked in the same direction, so we walked that way.

As we were walking, RG asked if I wanted to go get a drink with him. One drink to be specific. I told him ok as long as it was somewhere warm, so he gave me his hoodie to wear as we walked.

We decided where to go, but had a hard time getting there. We stood at my car talking for a while before we finally left for the restaraunt. I took a slightly longer way to get there because I didn't want to sit there by myself for a while and feel like a moron. As I was pullin into the parking lot I saw him walking towards the restaraunt, and he must have seen me since he walked to meet me at my car.

We had a lot of fun just sitting and talking. And then we played some trivial games at the bar, which I totally kicked his ass on.

Then the bar closed and we walked outside, and just sat there leaning against my car talking. Some random British guy walked up to us and asked us where the bathroom was. That's not really important, but it was pretty random and set off a walk through the drive through conversation as he was walking around the cars in the McDonald's drive through.

RG's phone had died, so he had me write down my number on his hand. All "highschool" like as he said. I thought it was cute. And I liked that he didn't just give me his number since my phone wasn't dead and ask me to call him.

After a ton of failed attempts to leave, we finally managed it around 5am. He told me that he'd send me a text once he got home so I'd have his number or whatever. And he did.

He's supposed to call me today after he gets out of work to watch a movie. So we'll see if he does.

~GF

Much Ado About Nothing...

So I've been sitting here thinking of what I was going to write. I had it in my head at one point, but it disappeared from my head between brushing my teeth and crawling into bed with my laptop. Now I'm just sitting here trying to remember what exactly I was thinking.

But then I get distracted by all the stuff that the online world has brought into my life. On top of my rant of not liking to friend boys I just started dating on this sites I am now adding friending ex boyfriends. Or, rather, keeping them friends. Though I rant about it, even though my exes are all still friends with me on those sites.

It's awful. Even if you've moved to a point where you're friends. Logging on to see that they have a girlfriend or some girl leaving cute little comments like you used to...it just brings those instant pangs of jealousy no matter how over you it you are.

Well, ok, that's not entirely true. While I may still check bulletins D posts, I don't go to his page anymore. I'm not so sure I'd be jealous about the cute message left on his profile. I'm indifferent when it comes to him.

Maybe that's what truly over someone is. When you're just indifferent.

Maybe I'm not over B. Ok, if I have to admit it I'm not 100% over B, but it's like 98%. And that 2% is enough to keep us from getting back together. At this point.

Then again, he was a tricky situation. We broke up because he moved, and not for anyother reason. [Though there were reasons that would have broken us up if he didn't move and those reasons didn't change.] I've always said that the only way I would get back together with someone was if it was a mutual, clean break. Basically meaning someone moved away or we were just at so different a place in life that we just didn't mesh.

If circumstance/situation broke us up and not ourselves or actions of ourselves broke us up. Unfortunately, that also keeps one heart-string tied to that person. Just one, but it's still one.

Though, with B I think the roughest thing for me to handle is that he's cleaned up his act a lot since I dated him. Not fully, if when I visited him is anything like it still is, but it's still a big step from where he was. I'm uber proud of him, but there's also the huge jealousy that the new girl will get the B I wanted. The B I fought for. The B I helped bring out.

It's the unfairness of her getting to be with the good B that I always wanted and KNEW was in him, while I had to fight with the old B to help bring this out of him and get him to the better point. The whole "why couldn't that have been me."

Someone else get the tough parts and I get the good parts. I always get the tough parts.

Well, actually, this is probably stemming from him calling me a friend. "That's what friends are for." Strange how such little words can hurt. I can't say hurt. Hurt is the wrong word. They just kinda stung. That whole left-over love thing I guess.

I think this TV show I saw might be right. It said something to the effect of how all girls expect their exes to stay single forever and mourn not being with them anymore. Could that be true????

~GF

Ending of an Era

In a little more than two weeks I will be graduating with my undergraduate degree. How freaking crazy is that?? It feels like I just got to college the other day. The reality hasn't sunk in yet.

In three weeks I will start working 40 hours a week. I've come close to working 40 hours a week, but never for the almost 4 months that I will be. It's crazy. The closest thing to a "real job" I will have before I get my real job. Which includes me having to wake up super early to make it to work because of the long commute.

Looking back, I'm trying to reflect on all that I learned, but at the same time I'm trying not to think about it all. School was easy - personal life, not so much. I've worked my ass off to get to the point where they're not on the forefront of my thought.

While I don't regret most of what happened, I'd like to not think about it anymore. I don't want it weighing on me anymore. Which is really hard to do. Especially with this tech-centered age where I'm bombarded by information about ex's and guys I used to date. In some ways it's nice to know that years from now we could reconnect and become friends or something, but at the moment I really don't want to be around it.

I don't like having BB's pictures with his stupid girlfriend pop up on my screen when I log in. Saying they broke up? Fine. Pictures of her tongue down his throat? Seriously, does anyone have class anymore?

I'm worried for my generation and the one after us. Does no one realize that ANYTHING you post on the Internet, in all likelihood, will stay on the Internet forever?? Even if you deleted it, it could be archived somewhere or someone put it on their page or somewhere else and it's there and still tied to you.

I try to only post stuff I won't want to delete later on. Mabye other people should try that....

~GF

Drama Drama Drama

So the drama is getting to me less. Trying to have some fun and just kinda let it all go.

Red Bull had a wakeboard thing this weekend for all the colleges. It was a freaking blast. So much fun. And Tequila Boy was there. He's someone that's been around for a while. The short of it was, had a crush on his friend way back when. The friend had a girlfriend but was pushing me and Tequila Boy (whom I got drunk off taking shots of tequila with me) so I figured he was single. We almost kissed, but another friend of his walked in on us. A few months later a mutual friend tells me that Tequila Boy had been in a relationship for well over a year (and still was). Since broken up. It's all been friendly like between us since then.

He's cute and probably would be fun as hell to date. Who knows? He's supposed to take me kiteboarding sometime. That'll be fun. :-D

Ran into V, again, downtown Saturday night. Smooth, Billy, Hat Boy, and others were all there. I saw Hat Boy as I was headed into the club and I hadn't seen him in weeks so it was a huge hug run up to say hi. He said that "V and everyone else is back there" and he would be right back.

Don't know why he mentioned V. Doesn't everyone know we aren't dating anymore???

But I ran back there to say hi to everyone, well everyone but V. Smooth makes me smile. Even though he's way older than me (older than V!!) he totally makes me smile [but not in any way a I-want-to-date-you smile].

So I was talking to people, but not saying anything to V. I said hi, that was it. Apparently he doesn't like it when I don't give him attention [yet, when I do he just makes bullshit excuses and forgets me when I'm out of sight] because he kept trying to interject himself into conversations I was having. Like at one point I got tired of it and just "jokingly" shoved my hand in his face and was like blah, leave us alone.

Haha. It totally felt good. When I was leaving he said something to me, and I responded that I went to that bar way before I met him, so he must be stalking me since he's always there. He agreed, though I'm pretty sure he was just joking or something. Whatever.

I'm kinda blah that I haven't really heard from Bandanna. He had to help a friend out last weekend and had to cancel plans before we made definite ones. He said he'd get to me either way this past week because he should be in town. I saw him on the website and was going to IM him, but he got off before I got around to it.

Sigh. I'm going to send him a message to get it over with. No sense in dragging this shit out til he "remembers" me again.

Oh, and to wrap it all V is taking BD's place in his band (Hat Boy is also in said band). So part of the reason I go won't be in the band anymore (but probably at most of the shows), and a reason I don't want to go will be at every show. WTF?!?!? Like I could deal with seeing V at the shows, but now if I go I'm indirectly cheering and clapping for him -- even if I'm not. So not good.

I need a cute boy to go to the show with.

[I wonder what the reason is for BD leaving the band? Though V is a lot closer to everyone in age. [They replace the youngin' with someone older than them!! haha]]

~GF

More Drama, Less Bullshit

So I've been thinking, but not thinking, and I think I've come to a conclusion. I don't like drama, and to that end I tend to let some bullshit slide or not call people out on it. Taking the "well I know, I don't need to cause drama by pointing that out" path. But it hasn't worked! I've been around bullshit and can't get away from it.

Well, this past weekend I called out on the bullshit. I confronted V - on my own terms. Finally got to ambush him. He didn't really cop to it, but I really liked that I was like "I'm so freaking tired of the bullshit, don't tell me you want me to forgive you and you want to be friends - if you don't mean it and don't plan on returning my calls!"

I mean, it's not a difficult thing that I asked of him. Even he couldn't argue that. I just expect my friends to return my phone call. He didn't. That's not what I call being a friend. But he still wouldn't even cop to it. He used his lame "I've been busy, I have no excuse" which is total bullshit since I keep running into him downtown where he's drinking and having a good time. He's obviously not that busy. Whatever. I'm glad I called him out. It helped me move on.

Which I have.

Except now that I have, I wonder if I could just like use him to make out with. He was good at it. It was fun. It'd kinda be payback. Haha. Fuck with him. Gah, I probably won't end up doing that.

So I think I'm going to try a new point of attack - call people on their bullshit. Don't wait it out to see if it really is bullshit. Don't let it slide by for the sake of avoiding drama. If there's going to be drama, it's going to be on my terms. And dammit, if I'm just calling people on their bullshit I'm not causing the drama - they are with their bullshit.

And I'm completely ok with have to apologize for putting my foot in my mouth if I get it wrong. I'm ok with getting it wrong. I'm not ok with wrong things happening to me.

~GF

Losing a Friend

So to add the the frustration that I've already had this week, I lost a friend too. And was sideswiped by it all to boot.

I was planning to go to OWC to wakeboard after work on Wednesday. One friend was supposed to meet me there, and I sent a text to my other friend asking if she wanted to meet me there. What unfolded next knocked me off my feet. I get a text back about how awful of a person I am and how her new friends can't believe that she puts up with me and basically said she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

Come to find out she was upset that I was jealous about her job. Which I admitted, I wanted it but was under contract with the current job I have. Still that shouldn't upset her that much. Hell, she knew I wanted it and kept going on and on about how great it was and how much stuff she got. If anything I should be mad at her for rubbing it in my face.

Then she says how she didn't like it that I mentioned I helped her get the job. But I did! I told her about it. It was my friend that was already working there. The boss actually even said he didn't think she would work for the job off of her resume. I knew she needed a job bad, and figured that if I couldn't get it - the next best thing would be to get one of my best friends the job. So I talked her up and pushed my friend to help her get the job, gave her the contact info on my friend, and she ended up getting the job.

Is it so wrong for me to mention it when a friend of hers asks me if I work with her or how I knew her??? Does me mentioning that I helped her get the job equal me putting her down and criticizing her? No, but that's how she took it. I remember when she was freaking stoked that I helped her get it and was thanking me all the time. She was the one who said she was going to hook me up with free stuff, but then proceeded to hook up all her new friends and not me.

I guess I should have seen it then, that my "good friend" failed to hook me up with stuff but all her new friends did.

The last thing she mentioned was how, in front of a guy she was "really interested in" (translation: had just met a few hours ago - she tends to go through guys quickly) I mention that we haven't gone downtown in a while. It came up in conversation, I didn't say it out of malice or anything. If anything I was joking about it! But apparently to her me mentioning that was awful and me telling him that she was no fun. Which I never said.

She was basically blaming me that a guy she had known for all of 8 hours, if that, didn't call her back. Which is ridiculous because I didn't say anything bad. It's not my fault if he didn't call her back. Maybe making a point to go outta your way to see him play an acoustic show 4 hours after you met him and having to bring friends he doesn't know since no one from the event wanted to come.

Shrug. Whatever.

So either way, I had been so tired of the drama. And I really don't need a friend that's going to go that mental after ALL that I've done for her since I've met her. If she wants to let her new friends control her opinion on people in her life - so be it. Lets see if they stick by her like I did.

I didn't argue. There wasn't much of a point. She was set in her way. Plus arguing via text is stupider than arguing on AIM. So I told her that I wasn't happy about it, but if she was going to be like that, so be it. And haven't heard from her since.

So much for having a lot of chick friends in town.

~GF

Maybe? This Time??

Maybe I've finally reverted back to my old, numb self. And that idea is way more pleasing the disappointing.

I think numb isn't the right word for those that aren't inside my head. What I mean is at this point I don't really care. Though since it has been maybe 48 hours, I don't place much faith or happiness in this new-found lack of feeling.

I'd like to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship. I'm just so damn tired of the bullshit that leads up to a relationship. Mainly because it almost never (for me) actually leads up to a relationship! It always falls short. And it just gets disheartening getting so close and yet never having it.

So now, even though I'm talking to some guys I met online, and have a crush on someone that works downtown, and wants to hit up happy hour in hopes of meeting new people. I don't think I want to date.

In fact (I haven't fully decided), but I think I want to take an active step to not dating. Hanging out, going out and doing something, maybe date-like situation. But I don't want it to be dating in the official sense.

I want to go to sleep in my bed alone, wake up alone, and return at a reasonable hour. Keep it at maybe, if I really like the guy, making out.

Holding off on the Myspace and Facebook friending until I can't anymore. And maybe even keeping away from the AIM. Or maybe I should pick an AIM that's JUST for guys that I date. So I can sign off when I don't want to talk to them or be able to check up on them. Hmmm..... that's kind of a good idea. I may just have to do that.

Now to think of an unused screen name that I like....

~GF

Deja Vu

So what apparently is par for the course for me had happened again. Things were going great with BB. Though he had me wondering for a while because he didn't kiss me the first four times we hung out, but we would flirt a lot online and talk a lot so it didn't add up. Then finally he came over to watch a movie and pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me and then was just like "movie's over" and proceeded to curl up in my bed instead of leave like he did previous times. And after talking for a while he finally kised me and that was it. We both couldn't stop. I didn't want to fall to fast, but I was happy and he made me smile.

Then he invited me over to his place the next night. He was supposed to come to mine, but his roommate had blocked him in so I drove over. And it was so cute. We made out, he always had his arms around me, and it was starting to feel right. He was always away online for the next few days, so I just figured he was busy. Then I sent him a really cute message after a show I went to asking for a massage since he always liked giving me one, and strangely didn't hear back.

I log on to Facebook [God do I freaking hate these online communities most of the time] and it says he's in a relationship! And considering I hadn't talked to him in like five days, I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. So today, I call him and left him a voicemail asking what was up - in more words then that. He called back almost immediately and fessed up to being a dick and that he should have told me. He said something about it happening the day after I spent the night (not sure if it was the day of the morning I left or the next day) and then backtracked to say he didn't get in a relationship that day. So that basically means that he met her and in less than a week she was his girlfriend, but after dating me for a few weeks I was easily tossed aside.

Of course BB goes on about how he wants to be friends, and that he understands if I don't want to be because he was a dick. I can't really hate him, I just hate the fucking situation!! I was starting to really like him, and I thought he was different and it turned out not to be!

That, and if he did just meet her I REALLY hope it becomes one of those burn-quick relationships. I don't hate him but I SO don't want it to last. Hey - I'm improving, it's not like I want his heart to break over it all. I'd just like it to be short, and then maybe be able to... well I should just stop talking about this shit.

~GF