Maybe Being a Little Bit Bitchy Isn't That Bad

Ok, so maybe I'm not entirely being bitchy. I rarely have it in me to keep it up that long - at least with most people. [*ahem* V and other jerk-wads not included.]

But it always irked me. I had bitch moments, I was not a bitch, yet it was the bitches that had the boyfriends. The bitches that some how roped the guy that I wanted. The bitches getting married and the bitches being adored.

Basically, the bitches got everything I wanted and I just got to sit around perplexed that guys actually wanted that.

So the easy conclusion was that if I became a bitch, then I would get that.

But I could never do that.

I'm a bitch only when provoked. Sometimes the provocation isn't worth a bitchy reaction, but I was still provoked.

In reality, it boiled down to the fact that I couldn't swallow being something I'm not just to get a boyfriend. I like my clothes, and the vast majority of the time I enjoy the skin I am. No need for me to change scenes.

Besides, I honestly can't respect someone that would allow themselves to be treated that badly.

The few times I've been yelled at in public by a guy trust that we were very close to a break-up. Without well needed graveling and a serious attempt at never doing that again, I would not have stayed. It's just not right to treat someone that bad in public. Fights in private might get bad, but at least no one sees it.

And I hate being bossed around myself, why would it be acceptable for me to do it to someone else? Any guy that's trying to be in a relationship with me knows pretty soon off to not cross me when I want to hang out with my friends or tell me to stop seeing my guy friends. I just won't stand for it.

Yet, I did find that sometimes being bitchy gets you what you want. Luckily, since I don't act that way often, I'd like to think that I didn't come off that bitchy. Or maybe he just wanted to do what I was demanding and was happy to oblige.

I hadn't seen Abz in over a week and was quite frustrated with him. While I wouldn't blame him if he was sincerely busy (I later learned a friend from out of town was visiting all weekend) not hearing from him was not cool. I don't care if he's not a phone person.

Seeing as almost every other guy I've dated has decided to give me the brush off by just randomly picking a day to stop returning my calls, I was caught in the grip that maybe that was what was happening. Not that I had tried to contact him, but he blew me off of sorts and we always hung out on the weekends. So this was cause of concern.

I finally got over that awful, regurgitated feeling, and decided to at least contact him before condemning him to blowing me off.

He wasn't, but was going out the night I contacted him (with said friend from out of town).

So I employed my bitchy side the next day.

Hey - just so you know you're coming over tonight.

Lol. Ok.

Call me after work or when you're heading over so I know when you're coming.

Ok.

And, miraculously [as a part of me was thinking he'd be a no-show], he showed up and was his same old self. Taking me in his arms and giving me a kiss.

Now that that's settled, I guess I have more important notions to entertain when it comes to him.

~GF

So Tired!

I didn't end up going to V's show. Smokin' sent me a text and wanted me to come. After making fun of him for only ever texting me to promote the band (that he's not even in!), I decided not to go.

Plus I went with my roommate, Jew [he calls himself that, so that's why I'm comfortable giving him that nickname] to pick up a PS3 (our house now has a PS2, PS3, Wii, and Xbox360). His friends were going to Howl at the Moon, which I always wanted to check out and it seemed a lot more fun that going to V's show.

Piano bars are a lot of fun. I think it would have been more fun if I knew everyone better - or if I drank more, but I definitely plan to go back at some point. Just not for any special occasions of mine. I refuse to put myself in the line of fire. Lol.

Jew's cute friend that has a girlfriend was there and so was his friend. Who was cute too, so that was a plus. Once he realized I wasn't dating Jew. Haha. Then another friend showed and proceeded to get wasted off only a few drinks. Prompting a stop a Denny's after last call.

Boy with the girlfriend was drunk and ended up sitting next to me and put his arm around me and is like "hey, play along so I can get her worked up" as the girlfriend is eyeing him across the table. [Hey, she's cool. She looked to him and not me which is exactly how it should be.]

He said that a few times and every time I laughed and said "I'm not the one that has to go home with her so I don't care."

The next night I made plans to hang out with MP and Bell met up with us. I didn't really clear it with MP [she was texting me as I was walking to the bar] but luckily Bell is awesome and they both got along. [Yay for awesome friends!]

MP kept buying me drinks. Or rather, bought be a few very strong drinks and I wasn't paying full attention and was definitely drunk by the time last call came around.

Bell took off for a blast from her past, so MP was stuck with my drunk ass. He drove my car to where it wouldn't get towed and then we walked to his car. I wish I would have enjoyed the walk more. It was almost 3am and we were walking around Lake Eola. Something I would never do alone, but being around water (especially at night) is always so calming for me and I should have paid attention. [And now, relaying the story, I want to take Abz there, or to some lake, and stroll around it late at night. Geeze, too many girlfriend-like thoughts already!]

Back to MP's cute little cottage apartment to sleep. I was supposed to go home to meet up with Abz, and my phone died so I couldn't even tell him.

I figured that if MP liked me, this would probably be the time for it to come out. Yeah, I left with no more answers that I had before. Everything was completely platonic until after we woke up (and I was still tired as shit) and half asleep on his couch. He kept tickling me and had his arms around me, etc. We'd be so close together you'd think something would happen, but nothing.

Oh well. I'm not too crushed either way. I like hanging out with him and not having a lot of guy drama right now is refreshing. [That usually only happens when I have no guys!!]

~GF

Still Playing Catch Up

So I'm still about a week behind with this thing. I figure I should catch this up to speed before I try my hand at any overly huge, insightful posts.

My weeks are boring. Work and that's pretty much it. Sometimes Abz will come over, but not a lot during the week since I have to get up early and he's one that likes to stay up late (and keep me up late).

I hadn't hung out with Stocking in a while, so I made plans with her. We headed downtown to Wallstreet for dinner after her plans with her boyfriend fell through (he was sick). Afterwards we were going to AG's band's show, and since there were good odds that the whole Moltey Crue would be there - I decided to catch her up to speeds in case I had a freak out. [good or bad]

Before we left Wallstreet, I wanted to show her around since she had never been before. Now, she's not 21 yet, but I've never had a problem before with my friends being under 21 and staying in Wallstreet as long as you get in there before they card. Hell, way back when at the rail jam I was still running around and I was only 20! And at my birthday Becca got in and stayed in no problems. (And so did Nicole even when she lost her fake.)

So it was a huge surprise when the security guards came up to ask and as for our IDs. I mean, we were leaving anyways, so I didn't care - but that's NEVER happened. So as they were escorting Stocking out, with me following, I was just sitting there amazed. I think it happened because our server was crap. I gave her an OK tip, but Stocking gave her a crappy tip to match her crappy service so she had it out for us. (And I just checked my bank account, and I wasn't even charged for the tip I did leave....weird.)

We get over to the show and make the rounds. I was surprised I hadn't seen anyone yet (even AG) until I made my way to the back bar for a drink and there was Hat Boy, V, Billy, and some of the other crew I don't talk to.

V hadn't seen me yet, and since we have our "truce" I walked to him and threw a punch at him that stopped just before it hit him square in the eye. [I have greeted friends this way, but it was soooo much fun to see him freakout. And boy, did he freakout until he realized it was me.] We hugged hello and he introduced himself to Stocking. I said hi to Billy and Hat Boy. Then V made room for me so I could order a drink.

AG saw me while I was getting my drink and said hi and introduced himself to Stocking as well. I started to play the "does he like me, or are we just cool" game with Stocking. [Spoiler alert: we ended up confused]

After chatting in the eyesight of V and company, I had to move. It still gets way weird for me sometimes. [Wait! Still? We had the truce for all of a week at that point. Nevermind.]

Everytime AG saw me he'd say hi, but that was pretty much it. He was always flitting around. Hell, he even saw me in the bathroom when the main door was open, stopped, stepped back, said hi, and then proceeded on his way.

Between bands I introduced Stocking to my photography ways. Namely, catching friends when they are off guard to get the best (and sometimes horrendous) shots.

When it was time for AGs band to play, I though picking the side of the stage would be safe. Wrong! Apparently AG is the lead singer that prefers not to be front and center and was instead in front of me.

So I had to play it cool and not look at him too much, but not ignore him either. Stocking said there was a point that he was looking at me for quite a while.

We went to get drinks, and while we were waiting this girl came up to me. Turns out she was MP's friend from the Disturbed show! AKA (the friend's newly-dubed name), Stocking, and I sat and chatted at the bar.

At some point V came up to the bar in between me and the wall. Granted, the bar is small and that was kinda the only open spot. But there's a huge bar in the back and I'm pretty sure he had a mostly full drink!

I ignored him, or at least tried to until he butted into our conversations. Then he proceeded to try and drag me into a one-on-one conversation with him and ignore my girls. Bringing up things from our past, or topics he knew I'd have to say something on, or rag him about. Or simply just grabbing me or nudging me.

Part of me hated it because he just told me a week ago why he didn't want to be with me - and that fact isn't changing anytime soon! The other part loved that I could still command his attention. That we were at a show and he chose to come up and vie for my attention.

At one point he even joked [was he joking?] about trying to get on my list. Like the list of guys I like and/or am interested in. I, of course, retorted with the fact that he took himself off that list and he can't just decide to be back on it.

He never gave a full response to that.

Stocking mentioned (out of V's earshot) that to anyone looking it seemed as if me and V were boyfriend/girlfriend, and if not that we really liked each other. I shot her an evil glare and cursed myself for being able to fall back into that so easily.

When the show was over V and the crew were leaving to this new club, Stardust. He asked me to come, but I said I couldn't unless it was 18+ because of Stocking. He said he'd text me when he got there - and asked for my number! He had forgotten to save it from last week!!

So I grabbed his phone and started to put my number in [so he couldn't have anymore excuses] and he told me to put the initials of the band we met through (which he's now in). I had seen in his phone there was no one with just my first name.

"There's no one with my first name, so I don't have to put a note"

"But that's how I know you in my phone"

"Yeah, but I'm special enough to be just my name"

He says something about someone he worked with that used to be the one with just my name and something else, but I didn't care enough to pay attention.

"Well, she's not in your phone anymore. Besides I'm still important enough to be just me. Aren't I?"

[At this point I'm not sure what game it was, but I decided to play his game back. Hence the way this is going.]

"Yes, you are important enough."

"Good, just my name then."

Saved it, and handed him back his phone.

After they left I found AG to say goodbye. We still didn't say too much to each other, so I walked away thinking that I was getting myself worked up for nothing. Just another guy that likes me when he's drunk (like Hat Boy). I'm OK with that. [I have Abz right now. lol]

Stocking and I walked around downtown aimlessly since we didn't want to pay for a cover (it was after 1am) and I was giving the crew enough time to get to Stardust to see if she could get in.

We gave up, and when we got to my car V text me, but just said that the club sucked.

So we got in and headed home.

On the main road, and V texts me asks me what we're doing. This time he text me back with the age (21+) but says they're headed back to the house.

By the time I got that text we were halfway home and not turning around for some chill after party. I texted him back.

Too late now. Guess you won't get your *gayleforce* fix tonight.

Too late for what.

Guess you'll never know now.

When I sent those texts I decided that I was going to just fuck right back with him. I mean, if he gets to act like he used to and confuse my head I have two choices 1) Stay away from him or 2) Confuse him right back. We have too many mutual friends to completely avoid him, so I've chosen to stay sane by playing his game.

Or at least playing his game that I can see. He claims honesty, but sometimes I think he's just lying to himself.

V has a show tonight. I was going to bring Stocking, but she has to work.

I don't think I'll go.

I still haven't seen the band since he joined.

~GF

Recap Continued...

So I was having fun at the party. Quite content in ignoring V for the most part and hanging with Bell, Smokin', AG and the rest of the crew (and newbies). AG and I were actually talking quite a bit, and maybe flirting a bit....somehow I ended up with his sunglasses [I still can't remember how, maybe picked them off the floor??] and I saw him walk out the door. I wasn't sure if he was coming back so I ran after him, only to see Bell drive off in her car.

Panic hit me at the thought of walking back into the party with Bell gone and Smokin' had left quite a while ago, so when I found out that AG was just dropping someone off I invited myself along for the ride. It was nice talking to him. I got the EP from his band [it's pretty good].

When we got back Bell had returned and I was back to having fun. Even when she left to go to another party. And I was highly amused when V fell on his ass and almost took a few guitars down with him. I was starting to remember why I got along so well with this group from the start. [Even though I've almost always been the baby of the group.]

Then somehow I found myself at the house with a bunch of people I didn't know and drunk. I was talking to Abz and trying to convince him to come pick me up without directly asking, to no avail. So I found myself crowded in the back of some SUV with some guy I just met feeling me up with no real recourse save from beating the shit out of him - which isn't a good idea when for all you know you're stuck in a car with his friends!

But I arrived at the Social with the group of wayward travel companions and AG got is in (free too!!). I spent quite a bit of talking with him, and other people too, and nursing glasses of water [my drunk ass, haha]. We were definitely flirting when at one point AG asked for confirmation on something that he heard about me [which is my own business, and I may elect to divulge here later] but he wouldn't say from who.

While he thought it was cute and that it didn't change his opinion of me, I was pissed that someone was telling my business when it wasn't theirs to tell. AG wouldn't tell me who told him, but as far as I knew only V, Smooth, and BD in that crowd knew. BD had moved almost a month before (and therefore had no idea I knew AG, but he could have told someone else in the group and it got around. He did, afterall, tell V), and Smooth had left the party a few hours before and I really saw no reason why he would do that. So I instantly thought it was V and was drunk enough to confront him.

When I spied him along I grabbed his shirt and hissed in his ear that if I found out he was telling shit he shouldn't be telling, he won't like one bit what comes to him from it.

He immediately denied it, and the look on his face seemed like he was sincere. He went on to say how he couldn't do that to me, and what happened between us stays between us. He also went on about how he likes [or was it liked?] me and thinks I'm an amazing girl, and then [FINALLY!!!] gave me an honest answer about why he decided to stop dating me [which plays into what AG found out...still deciding if that's going to become part of this].

He called a truce, and wanted to actually become friends. I decided to take his reaction as sincere and told him that if he actually held up his end - which included returning my calls if I did call him - I'd be ok with a truce. (Apparently he was at least somewhat upset that I had been all but ignoring him, so much so that he had to call me out when I said I wasn't "completely ignoring" him.)

He then told me about how he doesn't use his other phone and it just sits at his house and gave me his new number to reach him on.

V headed out and then I went to go hang with AG. As V and company were saying bye and walking out the door, I double checked with AG to see if I still had a ride. Turns out he offered me a ride when his ride was already full of a drum kit. (Even he had to share his seat with the drum!!)

So lucky (or unlucky) for V, his truce got tested out as a I frantically called him for a ride. I was able to get a hold of him, and was saying bye to AG when he gave me his number in case I didn't meet up with them for some reason. He gives those wonderfully, melt into you hugs [like V gives] and gave me a few - along with some pecks on the cheek.

I left the arms of someone I was surprised to find myself liking [afterall, he was the guy Nicole blew up at me for, and we never shared much in the taste of guys] and was headed towards someone I honestly never expected to count on again.

We had a laborious trek to the car. Two people threw up, one person lost their shoe, and I took some glee in revealing V's age to two of the girls in the group [though I was kinda bummed they were better at guessing his age then I was - but he is NOW hanging out with more people his age opposed to more people my age when I met him].

Unfortunately V fell back into his old role a bit after the truce. When we got back to the house I was going to leave, but he insisted I come in and have some water or food to "sober up". [I was quite sober, than you very much]. And after getting yelled at in the room (well someone was, it was V, Hat Boy, I'm assuming his gf, and some other chick. Someone was getting yelled at) he decided it'd be a good idea to sit next to me on the couch.

The couch at the house he "rescued" me from no more than 7 months prior when he was still my knight in shinning armor.

I found myself asking about his family member that had recently found out he had cancer while I was still dating him. Cursing myself for falling into old habits, but glad to hear that he was doing well. I think V was glad to hear that I remembered, and maybe took it to mean that I still care. [Do I still care?]

V walked me to my car and we briefly chatted a bit more about our truce, and probably chatted about the old days (I'm not sure on that, I think I blocked it out if we did). Before he left he gave me one of those melt into you hugs. I was half expecting the peck on my temple that always used to accompany that, but its absence kept me jarred to the position that we are now in.

AG and I had exchanged a few texts on what we were doing, but I hadn't heard anything since I told him I was going home. I liked him, but for some reason I was left driving home wondering whether he would still like me sober.

Abz called (or maybe I called him) and said he was too drunk to drive, so I told him to stay home since I didn't want him to get hurt. An hour or so later he called and said he was sober enough to drive if I still wanted him to come over. I was still awake, oddly not thinking about the goings on of the night, and gladly told him to come over.

The night ended with me curled up in his arms.

~GF

Party Recap

Earlier in the week my friend, Bell, had informed me that Hat Boy and his band were throwing a party on Saturday and asked if I'd heard about it. I hadn't, but that's more because they always forget to invite me and then ask why I didn't show!! I told her that I'd go if she did - mainly because I knew V would be there and wanted back up so I could stay away from him.

Then she tells me she has to work and can't go. I wasn't that disappointed. Until she IMs me Saturday afternoon and asks if I was at the party!! At that point I didn't fully want to go, but I knew it'd be fun with her. Also, minus V, the whole group is a lot of fun.

I walk in the door and one of the first people I see (after Bell) is Smooth. He totally gave me a "what the fuck are you doing here" look. It was kind of funny. I mean, seriously, I met V through this crowd and I've known them for almost 3 years now - longer than they have!! It's not that shocking.

Next I saw Smokin'. I love that boy. He always gives me complements and is cool as shit. Last time I saw him a cop strong-armed me as I tried to hug him. Apparently I was trying to cut in the line for pizza and now they have cops against that.

I followed the convo and Smokin' out to the porch - where V and Smooth were. Striked up a convo with Smooth and Smokin' but ignored V. Eventually he came over and I returned his hi or said a few words his way when necessary.

I ran into AG (Acoustic Guitar) there. It was so random, but I should have known. When I met him mere days before Nicole blew up at me, we bonded over the fact that we both new the boys of Hat Boy's band [maybe I should nickname the band too, it's getting confusing!].

So we chatted for a while and he asked how Nicole was. I told him we weren't friends anymore and when he asked why and I told him that from her side it was basically him. He laughed, and I told him the story [skim through a post like 2 mths back].

He confirms that I wasn't treating her bad at all that night, and that I definitely did nothing to ruin her chances. Her, on the other hand, ruined her own chances by always coming up with excuses so he gave up on her. Yeah, he was still messaging her when she blew up on me acting like he never called.

He also wasn't too happy to find out she was only 20 when she told him she was 23!!! That felt good. His friend [and bandmate???] was like noooo that's way too young for you man.

AG was a lot cuter than I remembered....

I was actually having a lot of fun [the alcohol probably had a good bit to do with it], which I didn't really expect with this group.

Even through the drama that ensued as the night wore on, I still had fun.

To be continued....

~GF

Quick Update!

Mainly to remind myself to update about this weekend before I forget!

Spent Friday night at home playing the Wii with my roommates and some of their friends. It was fun. I still suck at SmashBrothers no matter how many times I play it.

Our kitchen was an utter mess - and most of it wasn't mine. But I ended up cleaning up a lot of it because it was just so disgusting. And I needed clean plates. So not cool. My roommates better get on that shit.

Headed to a party Saturday that I knew about and didn't think I was attending. Then my friend, Bell, got out of work and we went. [Well more like I met her there over an hour after she got there - I got distracted!]

And that's basically where the update is. Because that entire event involves Hat Boy, V, Smooth, Billy, Bell [of course], and a whole bunch of other people that I have yet to make up names for. [Hey, I didn't realize one of them was going to keep popping up in my life!]

But I have been at work way too long. So party update either tonight or tomorrow.

~GF

Rather Uneventful

It was finals week, so there wasn't much going on. Just work, studying, and tests.

Friday I took a break from it all and went to the Panic at the Disco show. It was overall not that exciting. Getting dangerously close to disappointing. Motion City Soundtrack put on a good show, but the crowd sucked. And the horrible crowd continued on to Panic's part of the show. For the most part everyone just stood there - which just makes the whole show boring.

The crowd always makes the show. They all just stood there. I think a big portion of it all came from the fact that Panic remixed all of their songs from their first album and it probably confused people. I loved it. It was nice to hear the same songs, but mixed up and it really seemed like they were enjoying playing those songs. And with almost two years on the one album I'm pretty sure they're glad to not have to play it exactly like it's on the CD.

So the bands put on an awesome show, the crowd just ruined it.

Then I met up with the lovely Bell to take in downtown. It was a lot of fun. Except the expected run in with V and this time Billy at the end of the night. BD and his gf were there as well. I decided to say goodbye to them (they're moving) in case I don't see them before they do. I really only wanted to say bye to BD [though he's been somewhat cold to me since I've dated V] and he called his gf over so I could say bye too.

I really don't care about her leaving. I agree with Bll - I'm way cooler of a person and would be a WAY more awesome girlfriend.

Sunday I went to the Wake Games. Luckily the friend that bitched me out via txt left as I was showing up. But I got to say hi to my friend she works with and he's totally down with hooking me up with great deals on some of their gear. So yay!!

And BG was there. Whew, he's seriously the only pro in a while I've had a thing for. There was that short thing with another pro, that couldn't really be called a thing, but I liked him for a few weeks.

BG is like 27 or something. A good age I think. He's also gorgeous. Now if only we could really, actually hang out. That would be cool. I think I should date a wakeboarder. It's about time.

Then Becca and I met up for dinner [she was at Wake Games too]. It was fun to catch up and have girl talk. I really love her! In some ways she's a lot like me -- especially in certain things that I don't have in common with my other close friends anymore. It's nice to have someone in that same boat as me and that gets it.

We talked about how nice girls finish last behind even nice boys. [More about that on another post.]

Then we went to try out this karaoke place that RG and his friend told me about.

I know, I know. This guy blew me off and I'm going to show up to a place that I KNOW he'll be at???

Well I decided that I barely knew the guy, and even guys I know really well (*cough* V *cough*) can't stop me from doing something I want to do.

So it was fun. I walked in and saw this guy I thought was RG. And it kinda made me a little sad because he came across way cuter and suave, but still a dork and total fun.

I was trying to find a moment to say hi to his friend Karaoke without Fake RG around, and the timing was off. And I really did think it was him because he kept looking at me a few times! Then all of a sudden the real RG showed up. That threw me for a loop.

I had to regroup and then realized that I could go after Fake RG because he wasn't RG. But I wasn't on my game and didn't really have the energy to. It seems Fake RG knows a lot of the people that came to karoke (and I think RG himself too) so he should be around. [Did I mentioned he had a pretty nice body too??]

I finally got a chance to say hi to Karaoke. Part of me kinda wishes he wasn't married. He's definitely cute and very happy and has a fun personality. Oh well, friends works too!

As we chatted, he asked if I had seen RG. I mumbled something and then Karaoke had to go change the song (RG was standing right at the DJ set-up). Karaoke came back and tried to talk us into singing [I said that we'd get a big group and come back and then we'll totally do it... especially if I'm drunk] and RG had sauntered down to our little group. When he caught my eye he was all like "Oh! Hey..." as if he didn't know I was there.

I find it very hard to believe that Karaoke didn't mention that I was there. But Becca and I were on our way out so I didn't stick around for drama or an explanation.

Part of me kinda wished that he would call the next day or something, but I'm ok with him not doing that. Worst comes to worse, I can just flirt with Fake RG whenever I go to karaoke.

Or bring BG. Hehe.

Yay for wishful thinking!!!

~GF

Drama Drama Drama

So the drama is getting to me less. Trying to have some fun and just kinda let it all go.

Red Bull had a wakeboard thing this weekend for all the colleges. It was a freaking blast. So much fun. And Tequila Boy was there. He's someone that's been around for a while. The short of it was, had a crush on his friend way back when. The friend had a girlfriend but was pushing me and Tequila Boy (whom I got drunk off taking shots of tequila with me) so I figured he was single. We almost kissed, but another friend of his walked in on us. A few months later a mutual friend tells me that Tequila Boy had been in a relationship for well over a year (and still was). Since broken up. It's all been friendly like between us since then.

He's cute and probably would be fun as hell to date. Who knows? He's supposed to take me kiteboarding sometime. That'll be fun. :-D

Ran into V, again, downtown Saturday night. Smooth, Billy, Hat Boy, and others were all there. I saw Hat Boy as I was headed into the club and I hadn't seen him in weeks so it was a huge hug run up to say hi. He said that "V and everyone else is back there" and he would be right back.

Don't know why he mentioned V. Doesn't everyone know we aren't dating anymore???

But I ran back there to say hi to everyone, well everyone but V. Smooth makes me smile. Even though he's way older than me (older than V!!) he totally makes me smile [but not in any way a I-want-to-date-you smile].

So I was talking to people, but not saying anything to V. I said hi, that was it. Apparently he doesn't like it when I don't give him attention [yet, when I do he just makes bullshit excuses and forgets me when I'm out of sight] because he kept trying to interject himself into conversations I was having. Like at one point I got tired of it and just "jokingly" shoved my hand in his face and was like blah, leave us alone.

Haha. It totally felt good. When I was leaving he said something to me, and I responded that I went to that bar way before I met him, so he must be stalking me since he's always there. He agreed, though I'm pretty sure he was just joking or something. Whatever.

I'm kinda blah that I haven't really heard from Bandanna. He had to help a friend out last weekend and had to cancel plans before we made definite ones. He said he'd get to me either way this past week because he should be in town. I saw him on the website and was going to IM him, but he got off before I got around to it.

Sigh. I'm going to send him a message to get it over with. No sense in dragging this shit out til he "remembers" me again.

Oh, and to wrap it all V is taking BD's place in his band (Hat Boy is also in said band). So part of the reason I go won't be in the band anymore (but probably at most of the shows), and a reason I don't want to go will be at every show. WTF?!?!? Like I could deal with seeing V at the shows, but now if I go I'm indirectly cheering and clapping for him -- even if I'm not. So not good.

I need a cute boy to go to the show with.

[I wonder what the reason is for BD leaving the band? Though V is a lot closer to everyone in age. [They replace the youngin' with someone older than them!! haha]]

~GF

More Drama, Less Bullshit

So I've been thinking, but not thinking, and I think I've come to a conclusion. I don't like drama, and to that end I tend to let some bullshit slide or not call people out on it. Taking the "well I know, I don't need to cause drama by pointing that out" path. But it hasn't worked! I've been around bullshit and can't get away from it.

Well, this past weekend I called out on the bullshit. I confronted V - on my own terms. Finally got to ambush him. He didn't really cop to it, but I really liked that I was like "I'm so freaking tired of the bullshit, don't tell me you want me to forgive you and you want to be friends - if you don't mean it and don't plan on returning my calls!"

I mean, it's not a difficult thing that I asked of him. Even he couldn't argue that. I just expect my friends to return my phone call. He didn't. That's not what I call being a friend. But he still wouldn't even cop to it. He used his lame "I've been busy, I have no excuse" which is total bullshit since I keep running into him downtown where he's drinking and having a good time. He's obviously not that busy. Whatever. I'm glad I called him out. It helped me move on.

Which I have.

Except now that I have, I wonder if I could just like use him to make out with. He was good at it. It was fun. It'd kinda be payback. Haha. Fuck with him. Gah, I probably won't end up doing that.

So I think I'm going to try a new point of attack - call people on their bullshit. Don't wait it out to see if it really is bullshit. Don't let it slide by for the sake of avoiding drama. If there's going to be drama, it's going to be on my terms. And dammit, if I'm just calling people on their bullshit I'm not causing the drama - they are with their bullshit.

And I'm completely ok with have to apologize for putting my foot in my mouth if I get it wrong. I'm ok with getting it wrong. I'm not ok with wrong things happening to me.

~GF

Spring Break Wrap Up

So this past week was my last spring break of college, at least for undergrad. And my grandiose plans of having an awesome spring break went out the door a few weeks before.

Tuesday I headed home to the 'rents and then to my bro's for a get-together. That was rather uneventful. Still kind of the black sheep of the family - at least that part of the family - but I really don't care anymore. I like who I am and my life, so if they don't it's not my problem.

Wednesday I headed back to Orlando and picked up Amanda and met her friend Carla. Amanda and I headed back to my place and then went out to eat. We headed downtown, to find that Wednesdays really are dead downtown. A lot of guys we had no interest in hit on us. But the bright side is that I actually said something to Vintage! Well, he said it to me and I replied. We were walking by and he asked how I (maybe we?) were doing and I said good. And we went in there to end the night, but I didn't talk to him anymore. There's always girls around him. :-( But he looks gorgeous even out of his suit and in a nice dress shirt.

Thursday we went to Universal Studios. It was fun. Nothing much to report, though we acted like kids in their kid zone and took a lot of pictures. Real friends are ones you can act like you're 5 with when you're really 22. Maybe the best part of the day was the dinner at Margaritaville. Mmmm... that place is so freaking good I wish it was closer to where I live.

Friday was the dreaded CD release show for BD's band. And of course, like I knew, V was there. I show up to the concert almost an hour after it started, and V and Smooth were right in front of me. I said hi to Smooth first, and then V went to give me a hug. Which I stopped at just a half-hug at best, though I really just wanted to push him off of me. He said he owed me an apology, to which I said yeah, with obvious annoyance in his voice. I think he was slightly taken aback by my brashness.

He said he didn't have any excuse for why he did that. That he was real busy with work and such, but that it was no excuse. Then he asked if I forgave him. I told him it wasn't that simple. We were at a show, it wasn't exactly a place where I could pull him aside and ask him what I wanted - if he REALLY wants me to forgive him anyways. And I still don't know exactly what he wants!

I mean, it got really hard for me at times to forget that he did that to me and I should be mad at him. At times, it was so easy to fall back into the ease we always had each other. One of his friends even wanted a picture of us, and he just wrapped his arms around me like he used to and I couldn't help but smile at how good it felt. But once his arms were gone, I was hit with the sudden realization that I don't know how to take gestures from him like that anymore.

I talked with Smooth, Billy, Alberto and a bunch of new people throughout the night. The good thing about that crowd is I know so many people it usually isn't that bad when I go alone. BD and I are back on hugging terms - though it's definitely different hugs than pre-V era. His gf got up on stage with the band a sang. I knew she sang, but I wasn't so impressed.

Saturday night I headed downtown with my group of friends I haven't hung out with in a while. It was fun, though JB started getting a lil touchy feely and I didn't get to talk to the cute guys that were at the club because they disappeared. Thankfully a sun burn helped me escape the awkwardness as JB hugged me goodbye. I had a slight feeling he might have gone in for a kiss (we made out a few times back in like August) which I'm just not up for, with him, anymore.

Now I'm just stuck with the hell of trying to put together a huge project for a class that I need to pass. It's due in four days, and it's an UTTER mess. I'm sure I'll be stuck working on that for the next four days.

~GF

Playing Catch Up

So I start this to work on refining my writing skills and to find inspiration, and I can't even keep it up!! I'll try to recap the last few days as quickly as possible.

Friday I went ice skating with my friends Dawn and Susan. Besides all the little kids trying to kill us on the ice, it was pretty fun. On my way home I decided to stop by this new guy's show. We had been talking online for a bit (hey, sometimes this internet thing works) and the show was like 5 minutes from my house so I figured I'd stop by. I forgot to look at BB's photos before I left and was really hoping he'd recognize me. I heard his name, so I thought it was him (hell, he's 6'5 so he's kinda hard to miss) and luckily he came up to me.

Luckily he was also cute, and we got along pretty well. His band was good too, always a plus. It'd be difficult to date a guy when I didn't like his band. We left it with a semi-awkward hug, but we continued chatting online once we got home. He seems to not be the typical musician, but I've thought that before. I was starting to have a crush on his friend, Nekid, but I knew that he was like the stereotypical musician that I want to stay away from. It's good that I'm starting to recognize those! He totally stripped on stage though. I look up and I see a naked ass and a well-placed guitar....I really didn't want to see him naked on stage, so I'm glad I didn't.

On Saturday I had a migraine, which means I was lazying around the house doing nothing and not feeling well. Yet again alone. Migraines are something you definitely don't want to be alone for. When you're in that much pain, it would be comforting to be able to curl up in someone's lap. I got a message from another guy I had been chatting online with, Bandanna, and he was in town and wanting to meet up. It was at night already, and with my migraine earlier.

Leaving the decision up to my friend Sterling, I hopped in the shower and quickly grabbed an outfit out together and ran out the door. Little did I know a cold front had hit Florida, but I soldiered on. Getting into the bar I realized I spent all my cash on the parking, and they require $10 minimum for credit cards. Bandanna showed up just in time, and was even a gentlement and bought my drink. He's a few inches shorter than me, but so was D so the height doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother them.

So I was having a blast with Bandanna dancing and getting to know him. When out of the corner of my eye I see sudden movement, which catches my attention and I turn around to look and I see Billy, a mutual friend of mine and V, and I realized that the sudden movement was V ducking behind a pole to hide once he saw me. I wanted to say hi to my friend Billy, but I decided to ignore the whole situation.

I'm still hanging out with Bandanna when V's roommate Smooth walks out from behind the wall and acts all surprised when he catches my eye. I adore him to death, so I didn't care that it was obvious that V sent him out as a buffer or something. So I ran up to him and chatted with him briefly before he disappeared behind the pole. So I went back to dancing with Bandanna, when someone grabs hold of my hip and then lets go. I turn around to find the elusive V had decided to talk to me.

"Hey, how are you" he said.

"Great. You."

"Good."

And our conversation is interrupted by an awkward silence. Him not knowing what to say, or not having the guts to say it, and me refusing to say anything to the guy that had ignored me for the last two months but decided to come up to me with a big grin on his face like nothing happened. We exchanged a hi and a wave, but nothing more was said. I met his stare with darting my eyes around nervously, and eventually shrugging my shoulders with my face reflecting the thought of "I have nothing to say to you." He said something, but I couldn't hear the words coming out of his mouth, and then he pointed to where his group was heading. Maybe he wanted me to follow, but I wasn't giving him the satisfaction of that. I came to meet Bandanna, not stir up some drama with V.

His group hovered near ours for the rest of the night. For the times I've hung out with the group, it seemed quite odd. No matter where I was in the club, I could look up and see V within a short distance of me, but never making a move to talk. It even went so far that when I went to get a glass of water, I returned to find V and his (and our) friends mere feet from Bandanna and his friend. I ignored them as I passed by.

I'm sure he wanted to say more from me, but didn't want to say it in front of Bandanna and didn't want to make it seem forced to get me away from him. I felt slightly good that V had to watch me dance and hang out with Bandanna, especially in the spot where we first hung out and danced together. It was nice to know it was him that ran, and he that used his friends to figure out our run in, while I got to be completely cool about the situation and come out with a complete smile on my face.

Sunday I met up for a Walmart date with BB. When ran around Walmart for a short bit and got to talk. He's definitely someone I could see myself hanging out with. But we ended it again with an awkward hug, though slightly less awkward then before. Maybe it's because he's so much taller than me. Hugs with my brother who's that tall have always been awkward, though that's a whole other issue. Though my hug with Scuba, have never been awkward like that. Then again, we were never close to dating.

Is it bad that when I saw BB the first time, I was like man he's cute. But if he just switched out his clothes for this he'd be freaking hott. Sigh, sometimes guys need a girl to tell 'em how to dress. But I don't want to tell him and let some other chick snag him up.

~GF

My Bday

So my birthday was this past weekend. As far as my birthdays go, it was rather good. Though for me that's not saying much. A lot of my friends didn't show up, and one rather close friend totally ditched out on me the day before, but enough showed. A grand total of seven had showed up. I still had fun though. It also proved while I love my roommates, even though one can annoy me and the kitchen isn't always kept clean. They both showed up and made sure to take care of my car since I got stuck having to drive out there.

I didn't meet anyone new that night. I'm stil not feeling it. I have that nagging voice that I'll just pick the same type of people again. I want new friends, but I really don't have the energy to deal with the hassle of making new friends. The friends I have are sucking the energy I have right out of me.

My roommate's girlfriend thought my friend MP was macking on me. I didn't think so, but what do I know anymore?? Especially when I feel insecure I don't notice things as much about guys. It's like I'm 16 years old again and it sucks. I don't even know if I would want him macking on me. He's quite a few years older than me, and while all I've had as of late is older guys - none of them have worked out in the slightest. He's nice though. Haven't really seen him in the last two years, and I only met him a little more than two years ago. I felt special though that he came out for my birthday. He even followed after me as I ran outside when my asthma or whatever the hell it is (the doctors don't know, isn't that awesome) and was making sure I was ok. That freaked me out. It reminded me too much of V.

And I don't want to go there again.I was kind of sad when D didn't mention anything, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he ignored it last year too. I'm guessing from my response to his letter at the beginning of the year he figured it was best to not keep in contact. Maybe it is for the best. I would sort of like to try to start a friendship. But at the same time I know I can't deal with the fact that he's about to have a kid. Not after all the stuff that went on with us regarding him having a kid (but that turned out to be a cruel trick by his ex).

Of all my birthdays, this has definitely been one of the best, but not without its problems. But I still can't help but think how it would be to finally be in a relationship on my birthday. I imagine there's no better way to end a birthday then to curl up in a boyfriend's arms and fall asleep.

The true friends come out when it counts. And true friends change from year to year.

~GF