What School Are You In?

So it's almost been one month since I met Abz. It's around this time that I usually sit down and start to analyze things. [Well, if I'm lucky this late, usually it's before.] And it's led me to think about what "schools" I'm in, and which ones he's in.

There's the rushing into a relationship and taking your time. I'm always the latter. I knew my boyfriends for 3 months before we were exclusive. [Or at least officially exclusive.] I firmly believe that rushing in only leads to rushing out. Not that me taking my time has produced much better results, but things that catch fire quick usually explode way more than necessary.

Then there's initiating the talk. I haven't done it, but that's more because the guys have beat me to it. That, and I'm much more cautious. I tend to wait until I know. I have no desire to get into a relationship with someone, only to realize a few weeks later that I didn't actually like them that much. That's too cruel. I can't do that to someone [though sometimes I wish I could].

The big thing with this one is I have to make sure I'm ok with the lack of not-in-person conversation. There's been a big hang-up with every guy I've dated for a few months. Some I decided I could handle, others I couldn't. D's was mainly the distance and less so was that he was mildly depressed [though not around me so it was easy to ignore, maybe not smart though]. B's was that I had just dealt with all the shit D gave me and his drinking/drugs [though when we got together it was in an acceptable range, it just escalated as the relationship wore on].

But at what point are you standing at the edge of the cliff and have to make a choice: jump or climb down? I'm the cautious one that doesn't want to jump unless I've got someone right there with me and I'm not entirely sure if I do. We've never even broached the relationship thing, so I have no idea if he's even up for it.

Do you just know when you have to make the choice? Or do you keep putting it off if in your gut you know you're going to get an answer different from what you want. Instead of delayed gratification - delayed pain.

Can you delay pain? If you can, is it the same amount of pain, or does it just collect interest during the days that you ignore it?

~GF

Much Ado About Nothing...

So I've been sitting here thinking of what I was going to write. I had it in my head at one point, but it disappeared from my head between brushing my teeth and crawling into bed with my laptop. Now I'm just sitting here trying to remember what exactly I was thinking.

But then I get distracted by all the stuff that the online world has brought into my life. On top of my rant of not liking to friend boys I just started dating on this sites I am now adding friending ex boyfriends. Or, rather, keeping them friends. Though I rant about it, even though my exes are all still friends with me on those sites.

It's awful. Even if you've moved to a point where you're friends. Logging on to see that they have a girlfriend or some girl leaving cute little comments like you used to...it just brings those instant pangs of jealousy no matter how over you it you are.

Well, ok, that's not entirely true. While I may still check bulletins D posts, I don't go to his page anymore. I'm not so sure I'd be jealous about the cute message left on his profile. I'm indifferent when it comes to him.

Maybe that's what truly over someone is. When you're just indifferent.

Maybe I'm not over B. Ok, if I have to admit it I'm not 100% over B, but it's like 98%. And that 2% is enough to keep us from getting back together. At this point.

Then again, he was a tricky situation. We broke up because he moved, and not for anyother reason. [Though there were reasons that would have broken us up if he didn't move and those reasons didn't change.] I've always said that the only way I would get back together with someone was if it was a mutual, clean break. Basically meaning someone moved away or we were just at so different a place in life that we just didn't mesh.

If circumstance/situation broke us up and not ourselves or actions of ourselves broke us up. Unfortunately, that also keeps one heart-string tied to that person. Just one, but it's still one.

Though, with B I think the roughest thing for me to handle is that he's cleaned up his act a lot since I dated him. Not fully, if when I visited him is anything like it still is, but it's still a big step from where he was. I'm uber proud of him, but there's also the huge jealousy that the new girl will get the B I wanted. The B I fought for. The B I helped bring out.

It's the unfairness of her getting to be with the good B that I always wanted and KNEW was in him, while I had to fight with the old B to help bring this out of him and get him to the better point. The whole "why couldn't that have been me."

Someone else get the tough parts and I get the good parts. I always get the tough parts.

Well, actually, this is probably stemming from him calling me a friend. "That's what friends are for." Strange how such little words can hurt. I can't say hurt. Hurt is the wrong word. They just kinda stung. That whole left-over love thing I guess.

I think this TV show I saw might be right. It said something to the effect of how all girls expect their exes to stay single forever and mourn not being with them anymore. Could that be true????

~GF

Playing Catch Up

So I start this to work on refining my writing skills and to find inspiration, and I can't even keep it up!! I'll try to recap the last few days as quickly as possible.

Friday I went ice skating with my friends Dawn and Susan. Besides all the little kids trying to kill us on the ice, it was pretty fun. On my way home I decided to stop by this new guy's show. We had been talking online for a bit (hey, sometimes this internet thing works) and the show was like 5 minutes from my house so I figured I'd stop by. I forgot to look at BB's photos before I left and was really hoping he'd recognize me. I heard his name, so I thought it was him (hell, he's 6'5 so he's kinda hard to miss) and luckily he came up to me.

Luckily he was also cute, and we got along pretty well. His band was good too, always a plus. It'd be difficult to date a guy when I didn't like his band. We left it with a semi-awkward hug, but we continued chatting online once we got home. He seems to not be the typical musician, but I've thought that before. I was starting to have a crush on his friend, Nekid, but I knew that he was like the stereotypical musician that I want to stay away from. It's good that I'm starting to recognize those! He totally stripped on stage though. I look up and I see a naked ass and a well-placed guitar....I really didn't want to see him naked on stage, so I'm glad I didn't.

On Saturday I had a migraine, which means I was lazying around the house doing nothing and not feeling well. Yet again alone. Migraines are something you definitely don't want to be alone for. When you're in that much pain, it would be comforting to be able to curl up in someone's lap. I got a message from another guy I had been chatting online with, Bandanna, and he was in town and wanting to meet up. It was at night already, and with my migraine earlier.

Leaving the decision up to my friend Sterling, I hopped in the shower and quickly grabbed an outfit out together and ran out the door. Little did I know a cold front had hit Florida, but I soldiered on. Getting into the bar I realized I spent all my cash on the parking, and they require $10 minimum for credit cards. Bandanna showed up just in time, and was even a gentlement and bought my drink. He's a few inches shorter than me, but so was D so the height doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother them.

So I was having a blast with Bandanna dancing and getting to know him. When out of the corner of my eye I see sudden movement, which catches my attention and I turn around to look and I see Billy, a mutual friend of mine and V, and I realized that the sudden movement was V ducking behind a pole to hide once he saw me. I wanted to say hi to my friend Billy, but I decided to ignore the whole situation.

I'm still hanging out with Bandanna when V's roommate Smooth walks out from behind the wall and acts all surprised when he catches my eye. I adore him to death, so I didn't care that it was obvious that V sent him out as a buffer or something. So I ran up to him and chatted with him briefly before he disappeared behind the pole. So I went back to dancing with Bandanna, when someone grabs hold of my hip and then lets go. I turn around to find the elusive V had decided to talk to me.

"Hey, how are you" he said.

"Great. You."

"Good."

And our conversation is interrupted by an awkward silence. Him not knowing what to say, or not having the guts to say it, and me refusing to say anything to the guy that had ignored me for the last two months but decided to come up to me with a big grin on his face like nothing happened. We exchanged a hi and a wave, but nothing more was said. I met his stare with darting my eyes around nervously, and eventually shrugging my shoulders with my face reflecting the thought of "I have nothing to say to you." He said something, but I couldn't hear the words coming out of his mouth, and then he pointed to where his group was heading. Maybe he wanted me to follow, but I wasn't giving him the satisfaction of that. I came to meet Bandanna, not stir up some drama with V.

His group hovered near ours for the rest of the night. For the times I've hung out with the group, it seemed quite odd. No matter where I was in the club, I could look up and see V within a short distance of me, but never making a move to talk. It even went so far that when I went to get a glass of water, I returned to find V and his (and our) friends mere feet from Bandanna and his friend. I ignored them as I passed by.

I'm sure he wanted to say more from me, but didn't want to say it in front of Bandanna and didn't want to make it seem forced to get me away from him. I felt slightly good that V had to watch me dance and hang out with Bandanna, especially in the spot where we first hung out and danced together. It was nice to know it was him that ran, and he that used his friends to figure out our run in, while I got to be completely cool about the situation and come out with a complete smile on my face.

Sunday I met up for a Walmart date with BB. When ran around Walmart for a short bit and got to talk. He's definitely someone I could see myself hanging out with. But we ended it again with an awkward hug, though slightly less awkward then before. Maybe it's because he's so much taller than me. Hugs with my brother who's that tall have always been awkward, though that's a whole other issue. Though my hug with Scuba, have never been awkward like that. Then again, we were never close to dating.

Is it bad that when I saw BB the first time, I was like man he's cute. But if he just switched out his clothes for this he'd be freaking hott. Sigh, sometimes guys need a girl to tell 'em how to dress. But I don't want to tell him and let some other chick snag him up.

~GF

My Bday

So my birthday was this past weekend. As far as my birthdays go, it was rather good. Though for me that's not saying much. A lot of my friends didn't show up, and one rather close friend totally ditched out on me the day before, but enough showed. A grand total of seven had showed up. I still had fun though. It also proved while I love my roommates, even though one can annoy me and the kitchen isn't always kept clean. They both showed up and made sure to take care of my car since I got stuck having to drive out there.

I didn't meet anyone new that night. I'm stil not feeling it. I have that nagging voice that I'll just pick the same type of people again. I want new friends, but I really don't have the energy to deal with the hassle of making new friends. The friends I have are sucking the energy I have right out of me.

My roommate's girlfriend thought my friend MP was macking on me. I didn't think so, but what do I know anymore?? Especially when I feel insecure I don't notice things as much about guys. It's like I'm 16 years old again and it sucks. I don't even know if I would want him macking on me. He's quite a few years older than me, and while all I've had as of late is older guys - none of them have worked out in the slightest. He's nice though. Haven't really seen him in the last two years, and I only met him a little more than two years ago. I felt special though that he came out for my birthday. He even followed after me as I ran outside when my asthma or whatever the hell it is (the doctors don't know, isn't that awesome) and was making sure I was ok. That freaked me out. It reminded me too much of V.

And I don't want to go there again.I was kind of sad when D didn't mention anything, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he ignored it last year too. I'm guessing from my response to his letter at the beginning of the year he figured it was best to not keep in contact. Maybe it is for the best. I would sort of like to try to start a friendship. But at the same time I know I can't deal with the fact that he's about to have a kid. Not after all the stuff that went on with us regarding him having a kid (but that turned out to be a cruel trick by his ex).

Of all my birthdays, this has definitely been one of the best, but not without its problems. But I still can't help but think how it would be to finally be in a relationship on my birthday. I imagine there's no better way to end a birthday then to curl up in a boyfriend's arms and fall asleep.

The true friends come out when it counts. And true friends change from year to year.

~GF