Much Ado About Nothing...

So I've been sitting here thinking of what I was going to write. I had it in my head at one point, but it disappeared from my head between brushing my teeth and crawling into bed with my laptop. Now I'm just sitting here trying to remember what exactly I was thinking.

But then I get distracted by all the stuff that the online world has brought into my life. On top of my rant of not liking to friend boys I just started dating on this sites I am now adding friending ex boyfriends. Or, rather, keeping them friends. Though I rant about it, even though my exes are all still friends with me on those sites.

It's awful. Even if you've moved to a point where you're friends. Logging on to see that they have a girlfriend or some girl leaving cute little comments like you used to...it just brings those instant pangs of jealousy no matter how over you it you are.

Well, ok, that's not entirely true. While I may still check bulletins D posts, I don't go to his page anymore. I'm not so sure I'd be jealous about the cute message left on his profile. I'm indifferent when it comes to him.

Maybe that's what truly over someone is. When you're just indifferent.

Maybe I'm not over B. Ok, if I have to admit it I'm not 100% over B, but it's like 98%. And that 2% is enough to keep us from getting back together. At this point.

Then again, he was a tricky situation. We broke up because he moved, and not for anyother reason. [Though there were reasons that would have broken us up if he didn't move and those reasons didn't change.] I've always said that the only way I would get back together with someone was if it was a mutual, clean break. Basically meaning someone moved away or we were just at so different a place in life that we just didn't mesh.

If circumstance/situation broke us up and not ourselves or actions of ourselves broke us up. Unfortunately, that also keeps one heart-string tied to that person. Just one, but it's still one.

Though, with B I think the roughest thing for me to handle is that he's cleaned up his act a lot since I dated him. Not fully, if when I visited him is anything like it still is, but it's still a big step from where he was. I'm uber proud of him, but there's also the huge jealousy that the new girl will get the B I wanted. The B I fought for. The B I helped bring out.

It's the unfairness of her getting to be with the good B that I always wanted and KNEW was in him, while I had to fight with the old B to help bring this out of him and get him to the better point. The whole "why couldn't that have been me."

Someone else get the tough parts and I get the good parts. I always get the tough parts.

Well, actually, this is probably stemming from him calling me a friend. "That's what friends are for." Strange how such little words can hurt. I can't say hurt. Hurt is the wrong word. They just kinda stung. That whole left-over love thing I guess.

I think this TV show I saw might be right. It said something to the effect of how all girls expect their exes to stay single forever and mourn not being with them anymore. Could that be true????

~GF

Ending of an Era

In a little more than two weeks I will be graduating with my undergraduate degree. How freaking crazy is that?? It feels like I just got to college the other day. The reality hasn't sunk in yet.

In three weeks I will start working 40 hours a week. I've come close to working 40 hours a week, but never for the almost 4 months that I will be. It's crazy. The closest thing to a "real job" I will have before I get my real job. Which includes me having to wake up super early to make it to work because of the long commute.

Looking back, I'm trying to reflect on all that I learned, but at the same time I'm trying not to think about it all. School was easy - personal life, not so much. I've worked my ass off to get to the point where they're not on the forefront of my thought.

While I don't regret most of what happened, I'd like to not think about it anymore. I don't want it weighing on me anymore. Which is really hard to do. Especially with this tech-centered age where I'm bombarded by information about ex's and guys I used to date. In some ways it's nice to know that years from now we could reconnect and become friends or something, but at the moment I really don't want to be around it.

I don't like having BB's pictures with his stupid girlfriend pop up on my screen when I log in. Saying they broke up? Fine. Pictures of her tongue down his throat? Seriously, does anyone have class anymore?

I'm worried for my generation and the one after us. Does no one realize that ANYTHING you post on the Internet, in all likelihood, will stay on the Internet forever?? Even if you deleted it, it could be archived somewhere or someone put it on their page or somewhere else and it's there and still tied to you.

I try to only post stuff I won't want to delete later on. Mabye other people should try that....

~GF

Drama Drama Drama

So the drama is getting to me less. Trying to have some fun and just kinda let it all go.

Red Bull had a wakeboard thing this weekend for all the colleges. It was a freaking blast. So much fun. And Tequila Boy was there. He's someone that's been around for a while. The short of it was, had a crush on his friend way back when. The friend had a girlfriend but was pushing me and Tequila Boy (whom I got drunk off taking shots of tequila with me) so I figured he was single. We almost kissed, but another friend of his walked in on us. A few months later a mutual friend tells me that Tequila Boy had been in a relationship for well over a year (and still was). Since broken up. It's all been friendly like between us since then.

He's cute and probably would be fun as hell to date. Who knows? He's supposed to take me kiteboarding sometime. That'll be fun. :-D

Ran into V, again, downtown Saturday night. Smooth, Billy, Hat Boy, and others were all there. I saw Hat Boy as I was headed into the club and I hadn't seen him in weeks so it was a huge hug run up to say hi. He said that "V and everyone else is back there" and he would be right back.

Don't know why he mentioned V. Doesn't everyone know we aren't dating anymore???

But I ran back there to say hi to everyone, well everyone but V. Smooth makes me smile. Even though he's way older than me (older than V!!) he totally makes me smile [but not in any way a I-want-to-date-you smile].

So I was talking to people, but not saying anything to V. I said hi, that was it. Apparently he doesn't like it when I don't give him attention [yet, when I do he just makes bullshit excuses and forgets me when I'm out of sight] because he kept trying to interject himself into conversations I was having. Like at one point I got tired of it and just "jokingly" shoved my hand in his face and was like blah, leave us alone.

Haha. It totally felt good. When I was leaving he said something to me, and I responded that I went to that bar way before I met him, so he must be stalking me since he's always there. He agreed, though I'm pretty sure he was just joking or something. Whatever.

I'm kinda blah that I haven't really heard from Bandanna. He had to help a friend out last weekend and had to cancel plans before we made definite ones. He said he'd get to me either way this past week because he should be in town. I saw him on the website and was going to IM him, but he got off before I got around to it.

Sigh. I'm going to send him a message to get it over with. No sense in dragging this shit out til he "remembers" me again.

Oh, and to wrap it all V is taking BD's place in his band (Hat Boy is also in said band). So part of the reason I go won't be in the band anymore (but probably at most of the shows), and a reason I don't want to go will be at every show. WTF?!?!? Like I could deal with seeing V at the shows, but now if I go I'm indirectly cheering and clapping for him -- even if I'm not. So not good.

I need a cute boy to go to the show with.

[I wonder what the reason is for BD leaving the band? Though V is a lot closer to everyone in age. [They replace the youngin' with someone older than them!! haha]]

~GF

More Drama, Less Bullshit

So I've been thinking, but not thinking, and I think I've come to a conclusion. I don't like drama, and to that end I tend to let some bullshit slide or not call people out on it. Taking the "well I know, I don't need to cause drama by pointing that out" path. But it hasn't worked! I've been around bullshit and can't get away from it.

Well, this past weekend I called out on the bullshit. I confronted V - on my own terms. Finally got to ambush him. He didn't really cop to it, but I really liked that I was like "I'm so freaking tired of the bullshit, don't tell me you want me to forgive you and you want to be friends - if you don't mean it and don't plan on returning my calls!"

I mean, it's not a difficult thing that I asked of him. Even he couldn't argue that. I just expect my friends to return my phone call. He didn't. That's not what I call being a friend. But he still wouldn't even cop to it. He used his lame "I've been busy, I have no excuse" which is total bullshit since I keep running into him downtown where he's drinking and having a good time. He's obviously not that busy. Whatever. I'm glad I called him out. It helped me move on.

Which I have.

Except now that I have, I wonder if I could just like use him to make out with. He was good at it. It was fun. It'd kinda be payback. Haha. Fuck with him. Gah, I probably won't end up doing that.

So I think I'm going to try a new point of attack - call people on their bullshit. Don't wait it out to see if it really is bullshit. Don't let it slide by for the sake of avoiding drama. If there's going to be drama, it's going to be on my terms. And dammit, if I'm just calling people on their bullshit I'm not causing the drama - they are with their bullshit.

And I'm completely ok with have to apologize for putting my foot in my mouth if I get it wrong. I'm ok with getting it wrong. I'm not ok with wrong things happening to me.

~GF

Losing a Friend

So to add the the frustration that I've already had this week, I lost a friend too. And was sideswiped by it all to boot.

I was planning to go to OWC to wakeboard after work on Wednesday. One friend was supposed to meet me there, and I sent a text to my other friend asking if she wanted to meet me there. What unfolded next knocked me off my feet. I get a text back about how awful of a person I am and how her new friends can't believe that she puts up with me and basically said she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

Come to find out she was upset that I was jealous about her job. Which I admitted, I wanted it but was under contract with the current job I have. Still that shouldn't upset her that much. Hell, she knew I wanted it and kept going on and on about how great it was and how much stuff she got. If anything I should be mad at her for rubbing it in my face.

Then she says how she didn't like it that I mentioned I helped her get the job. But I did! I told her about it. It was my friend that was already working there. The boss actually even said he didn't think she would work for the job off of her resume. I knew she needed a job bad, and figured that if I couldn't get it - the next best thing would be to get one of my best friends the job. So I talked her up and pushed my friend to help her get the job, gave her the contact info on my friend, and she ended up getting the job.

Is it so wrong for me to mention it when a friend of hers asks me if I work with her or how I knew her??? Does me mentioning that I helped her get the job equal me putting her down and criticizing her? No, but that's how she took it. I remember when she was freaking stoked that I helped her get it and was thanking me all the time. She was the one who said she was going to hook me up with free stuff, but then proceeded to hook up all her new friends and not me.

I guess I should have seen it then, that my "good friend" failed to hook me up with stuff but all her new friends did.

The last thing she mentioned was how, in front of a guy she was "really interested in" (translation: had just met a few hours ago - she tends to go through guys quickly) I mention that we haven't gone downtown in a while. It came up in conversation, I didn't say it out of malice or anything. If anything I was joking about it! But apparently to her me mentioning that was awful and me telling him that she was no fun. Which I never said.

She was basically blaming me that a guy she had known for all of 8 hours, if that, didn't call her back. Which is ridiculous because I didn't say anything bad. It's not my fault if he didn't call her back. Maybe making a point to go outta your way to see him play an acoustic show 4 hours after you met him and having to bring friends he doesn't know since no one from the event wanted to come.

Shrug. Whatever.

So either way, I had been so tired of the drama. And I really don't need a friend that's going to go that mental after ALL that I've done for her since I've met her. If she wants to let her new friends control her opinion on people in her life - so be it. Lets see if they stick by her like I did.

I didn't argue. There wasn't much of a point. She was set in her way. Plus arguing via text is stupider than arguing on AIM. So I told her that I wasn't happy about it, but if she was going to be like that, so be it. And haven't heard from her since.

So much for having a lot of chick friends in town.

~GF

Maybe? This Time??

Maybe I've finally reverted back to my old, numb self. And that idea is way more pleasing the disappointing.

I think numb isn't the right word for those that aren't inside my head. What I mean is at this point I don't really care. Though since it has been maybe 48 hours, I don't place much faith or happiness in this new-found lack of feeling.

I'd like to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship. I'm just so damn tired of the bullshit that leads up to a relationship. Mainly because it almost never (for me) actually leads up to a relationship! It always falls short. And it just gets disheartening getting so close and yet never having it.

So now, even though I'm talking to some guys I met online, and have a crush on someone that works downtown, and wants to hit up happy hour in hopes of meeting new people. I don't think I want to date.

In fact (I haven't fully decided), but I think I want to take an active step to not dating. Hanging out, going out and doing something, maybe date-like situation. But I don't want it to be dating in the official sense.

I want to go to sleep in my bed alone, wake up alone, and return at a reasonable hour. Keep it at maybe, if I really like the guy, making out.

Holding off on the Myspace and Facebook friending until I can't anymore. And maybe even keeping away from the AIM. Or maybe I should pick an AIM that's JUST for guys that I date. So I can sign off when I don't want to talk to them or be able to check up on them. Hmmm..... that's kind of a good idea. I may just have to do that.

Now to think of an unused screen name that I like....

~GF

Deja Vu

So what apparently is par for the course for me had happened again. Things were going great with BB. Though he had me wondering for a while because he didn't kiss me the first four times we hung out, but we would flirt a lot online and talk a lot so it didn't add up. Then finally he came over to watch a movie and pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me and then was just like "movie's over" and proceeded to curl up in my bed instead of leave like he did previous times. And after talking for a while he finally kised me and that was it. We both couldn't stop. I didn't want to fall to fast, but I was happy and he made me smile.

Then he invited me over to his place the next night. He was supposed to come to mine, but his roommate had blocked him in so I drove over. And it was so cute. We made out, he always had his arms around me, and it was starting to feel right. He was always away online for the next few days, so I just figured he was busy. Then I sent him a really cute message after a show I went to asking for a massage since he always liked giving me one, and strangely didn't hear back.

I log on to Facebook [God do I freaking hate these online communities most of the time] and it says he's in a relationship! And considering I hadn't talked to him in like five days, I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. So today, I call him and left him a voicemail asking what was up - in more words then that. He called back almost immediately and fessed up to being a dick and that he should have told me. He said something about it happening the day after I spent the night (not sure if it was the day of the morning I left or the next day) and then backtracked to say he didn't get in a relationship that day. So that basically means that he met her and in less than a week she was his girlfriend, but after dating me for a few weeks I was easily tossed aside.

Of course BB goes on about how he wants to be friends, and that he understands if I don't want to be because he was a dick. I can't really hate him, I just hate the fucking situation!! I was starting to really like him, and I thought he was different and it turned out not to be!

That, and if he did just meet her I REALLY hope it becomes one of those burn-quick relationships. I don't hate him but I SO don't want it to last. Hey - I'm improving, it's not like I want his heart to break over it all. I'd just like it to be short, and then maybe be able to... well I should just stop talking about this shit.

~GF