The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

So I had my surgery this past Thursday, and had grand plans for the downtime.

Of course, this all started with the idea of having a clean room. Which I did not have, and could not bother me much as I was incapable of cleaning up.

I was given vicodine for the pain. While it did great wonders for the pain, I didn't really feel any other effects that are touted. Well, except for getting incredibly nauseous at me second dose. [Thankfully after I ate I was fine. I think I would have cried if I couldn't take the pills.]

Abz stayed with me all day Thursday until I had to leave (actually, I left him half asleep in my bed). I called him to tell him things went well (after I called the 'rents and B - hey, B was the one most concerned about this whole thing and I didn't want to forget calling him. I knew I'd remember to call Abz) and he was getting to play soccer.

I texted him to come over if he wasn't working (or after work) if he wanted and almost five minutes later the nausea hit like a train and I texted him to come over because I felt like shit. He asked if he could eat first, and I obliged - seeing as there wasn't much he could do for me feeling like crap other than comfort me.

That was pretty much the most exciting part of the weekend. Not realizing how sore my back would be (or that, while the vicodine knocks out of the pain it just doesn't quite work if you put a good portion of your weight against it) I couldn't type or read as those activities would require me to lean against my back.

No, I was confined to laying on my stomach or on my side (which even that had its limitations) and it was not conducive to my master plan. It seems someone doesn't want me to catch up on my writing - as I just refuse to do it through that much pain.

I had my bandages removed for the first time last night. I almost got as sick as when they were closing me up.

I sincerely hope that does not happen tonight. I fear that if I continue to get that close, I will eventually throw up.

~GF

What School Are You In?

So it's almost been one month since I met Abz. It's around this time that I usually sit down and start to analyze things. [Well, if I'm lucky this late, usually it's before.] And it's led me to think about what "schools" I'm in, and which ones he's in.

There's the rushing into a relationship and taking your time. I'm always the latter. I knew my boyfriends for 3 months before we were exclusive. [Or at least officially exclusive.] I firmly believe that rushing in only leads to rushing out. Not that me taking my time has produced much better results, but things that catch fire quick usually explode way more than necessary.

Then there's initiating the talk. I haven't done it, but that's more because the guys have beat me to it. That, and I'm much more cautious. I tend to wait until I know. I have no desire to get into a relationship with someone, only to realize a few weeks later that I didn't actually like them that much. That's too cruel. I can't do that to someone [though sometimes I wish I could].

The big thing with this one is I have to make sure I'm ok with the lack of not-in-person conversation. There's been a big hang-up with every guy I've dated for a few months. Some I decided I could handle, others I couldn't. D's was mainly the distance and less so was that he was mildly depressed [though not around me so it was easy to ignore, maybe not smart though]. B's was that I had just dealt with all the shit D gave me and his drinking/drugs [though when we got together it was in an acceptable range, it just escalated as the relationship wore on].

But at what point are you standing at the edge of the cliff and have to make a choice: jump or climb down? I'm the cautious one that doesn't want to jump unless I've got someone right there with me and I'm not entirely sure if I do. We've never even broached the relationship thing, so I have no idea if he's even up for it.

Do you just know when you have to make the choice? Or do you keep putting it off if in your gut you know you're going to get an answer different from what you want. Instead of delayed gratification - delayed pain.

Can you delay pain? If you can, is it the same amount of pain, or does it just collect interest during the days that you ignore it?

~GF

Almost Over

Just finished two more finals today. That means I have one more final left in my undergraduate career. And lucky for me I only need a 62% in order to make an A for the class. That makes for a stress free final.

RG is still MIA. Oh well. Though it'll make it interesting that I was going to see if Becca wanted to go to the karaoke thing his friend had mentioned to me. Screw him - we'll go anyways if she wants. Lol

AC is still around in conversations. He's ankle is healing well and he's coming down here at the end of June. Which seems so far away, but really it's not that long from now. Two months. It'll be interesting to see what happens when he comes back.

He's driving down, which is strange. Part of me has a sinking feeling he might mention something about moving back here. It'd be fun to have him back in town and be able to hang with all his friends, but I'm pretty sure that if he did move back - it'd be for me.

Wow. I sound fucking conceited, but it's well founded. He stayed around here last time for me, and when I kinda disappeared on him (unintentionally) he just moved back home because I guess I was the only thing keeping him here.

I don't like being the only thing keeping them here. The same thing happened with B right before he moved away. It's too much pressure on me if that's the case. It's like everytime we argue or I can't spend time with them it's all that guilt of "they're only here for me". I don't like it

I got my graduation cap and gown the other day. It's slowly starting to sink in. Though rather crappy that my parents are the only family coming to my graduation. My stupid brother can't come out because he forgot to put the time in months ago when my parents told him about it!

Becca's going to come though! Which just makes me love her even more. I wish she lived in Orlando and not almost an hour away :-(

Oh!!!! I almost forgot! I won a fellowship for grad school! It's basically a scholarship. $5000 for the fall and spring semester plus 9 credit hours covered. That basically works out to covering my entire tuition and about 10 months rent. That's freaking insane! All I need to come up with is 2 months rent and the money for books and food/gas/entertainment - which I can easily do!!

I will come away from my MBA not only debt free, but having most of the money my parents put aside for school still intact! And there's a damn good change of me even having saved a good amount of money.

I would have more saved, except me and CC have decided to go to Europe next year. I'm freaking stoked about!!! I'm going to EUROPE for at least TWO WEEKS. I always wanted to, but never thought I'd have the money to do that for a while. And I probably wouldn't if I didn't get this fellowship. The fellowship turned Europe from a slight possibility to an almost certainty [money wise].

Guess with all that I should be happier than I feel.

~GF

Much Ado About Nothing...

So I've been sitting here thinking of what I was going to write. I had it in my head at one point, but it disappeared from my head between brushing my teeth and crawling into bed with my laptop. Now I'm just sitting here trying to remember what exactly I was thinking.

But then I get distracted by all the stuff that the online world has brought into my life. On top of my rant of not liking to friend boys I just started dating on this sites I am now adding friending ex boyfriends. Or, rather, keeping them friends. Though I rant about it, even though my exes are all still friends with me on those sites.

It's awful. Even if you've moved to a point where you're friends. Logging on to see that they have a girlfriend or some girl leaving cute little comments like you used to...it just brings those instant pangs of jealousy no matter how over you it you are.

Well, ok, that's not entirely true. While I may still check bulletins D posts, I don't go to his page anymore. I'm not so sure I'd be jealous about the cute message left on his profile. I'm indifferent when it comes to him.

Maybe that's what truly over someone is. When you're just indifferent.

Maybe I'm not over B. Ok, if I have to admit it I'm not 100% over B, but it's like 98%. And that 2% is enough to keep us from getting back together. At this point.

Then again, he was a tricky situation. We broke up because he moved, and not for anyother reason. [Though there were reasons that would have broken us up if he didn't move and those reasons didn't change.] I've always said that the only way I would get back together with someone was if it was a mutual, clean break. Basically meaning someone moved away or we were just at so different a place in life that we just didn't mesh.

If circumstance/situation broke us up and not ourselves or actions of ourselves broke us up. Unfortunately, that also keeps one heart-string tied to that person. Just one, but it's still one.

Though, with B I think the roughest thing for me to handle is that he's cleaned up his act a lot since I dated him. Not fully, if when I visited him is anything like it still is, but it's still a big step from where he was. I'm uber proud of him, but there's also the huge jealousy that the new girl will get the B I wanted. The B I fought for. The B I helped bring out.

It's the unfairness of her getting to be with the good B that I always wanted and KNEW was in him, while I had to fight with the old B to help bring this out of him and get him to the better point. The whole "why couldn't that have been me."

Someone else get the tough parts and I get the good parts. I always get the tough parts.

Well, actually, this is probably stemming from him calling me a friend. "That's what friends are for." Strange how such little words can hurt. I can't say hurt. Hurt is the wrong word. They just kinda stung. That whole left-over love thing I guess.

I think this TV show I saw might be right. It said something to the effect of how all girls expect their exes to stay single forever and mourn not being with them anymore. Could that be true????

~GF

Blast from the past...soon

So while I'm somewhat complaining about not having dates (somewhat because I really don't want to go out and get dates quite yet), an old flame or sorts is coming back into town for a visit. AC isn't coming for me, but from the way he talks he's definitely planning on spending time with me. I'm fine with that, I always liked him and he was fun to hang out with, but I also know he's wanting more than just friendship while he's here.

Right now, it's not real - he's not here - so I really don't know what I want to do. Though it is fun flirting with him online. There wasn't a big reason why we stopped dating. I was just super busy with one of my hardest semesters and got wrapped up in BD and S along with AC. I thought he had moved out of Florida, but apparently he left because we stopped hanging out. Miscommunication is always a flaw of mine - whether it's mine or theirs.

Anyways, he's really looking forward to coming to visit me and I don't know if I want to do all that. I haven't done it in a while, and when I did it was with B, my ex, like six months after we broke up when I was visiting (we broke up because B moved, no miscommunication on that one). I've been so tired of guy's shit I've just had no interest in it all. And even with the prospect of someone who knows all my hang-ups coming back around, I'm still not that enthralled with the idea. I've apparently lost my mojo....

With all the lack of mojo I need to find something to occupy my time. Maybe I'll get the inspiration to go off alone sometime soon. Maybe not, I'm so tired of being alone.

~GF