"Hope is for Sissys"

The subject is a line from tonight's House. I always liked that show, and I like that line. It fits my sentiments exactly. It even fits it in context, which is even cooler.

Nothing that new and exciting to report.

Graduated on Saturday. Found out my grades on Friday, so I definitely did graduate and will get my degree.

It was rather anti-clamatic. I guess because I never not expected to be here. I knew I was going to graduate, so me graduating wasn't that big of a deal.

And any more it's expected of me. That's what I do.

Except I didn't get what I wanted by this point. The things I thought I would have - I don't. And I honestly never really got that close. Which is what makes this all more depressing.

All the hope that I had in the "it will get better in college." "Guys will come to their senses in college." "You'll have guys clamoring for you in college." Has just gone away.

It didn't happen. It hasn't. What everyone said I would get, I haven't. And instead of college is when this all will happen, it has now become "someday." I swear, someday is the new dreaded word.

I don't dread ma'am. I was called it the other day. Maybe because it was by some kid that I knew was quite a few years younger than me, or that at 22 I know that I'm not old.

But the word someday just makes my stomach turn. I hate hearing people say that. It's so ambiguous and cliche. It's what you're supposed to say, not what you believe.

How many of them actually believe that I will have that someday???

I'm not sure if I do.

~GF

Nice Girls Finish Behind Nice Guys

So that was the topic of part of our conversation the other night. How nice girls finish last, even behind the nice guys. I mean, girls usually come to their senses before guys. So the girls wise up and go for the nice guys. And only after that do the guys wise up and go for the nice girl.

The nice girls are the ones they want to marry, and they don't want to date them until they're ready to marry. Or think they are. Until then they don't want us because they don't want to lose us and they're not ready for us.

So we're just stuck sitting around feeling awful while all the bitches in the world date even the good guys. Get them wrapped around their fingers, have all the fun while we're pulling our hair out wondering what in the hell is wrong with the world.

Now, I know I may come across as arrogant with making myself the nice girl. But I've been called that by numerous dates. I fit the stereotypical mold in quite a few ways.

And I've been called innocent way to many times to not fit into the nice/good girl category.

Oh, that and my shitty run of a love life plays perfectly into that description as well.

It's like you have that feeling that everything fits so well. You both can still be you and retain your old life, while still staying together and having that amazing connection. And then BAM! off they go to some whore of a slut and I'm left standing in the dust.

It sucks. It's really hard to keep it in your head that one day, eventually, you will win out. But it sucks not having to have another to take up your time.

Like, I mean, really, I don't want to get married right now. Or even in the immediate future. But even making that clear does little to effect the outcome.

Hell, even the dorks end up being everything I don't want them to be.

~GF

Rather Uneventful

It was finals week, so there wasn't much going on. Just work, studying, and tests.

Friday I took a break from it all and went to the Panic at the Disco show. It was overall not that exciting. Getting dangerously close to disappointing. Motion City Soundtrack put on a good show, but the crowd sucked. And the horrible crowd continued on to Panic's part of the show. For the most part everyone just stood there - which just makes the whole show boring.

The crowd always makes the show. They all just stood there. I think a big portion of it all came from the fact that Panic remixed all of their songs from their first album and it probably confused people. I loved it. It was nice to hear the same songs, but mixed up and it really seemed like they were enjoying playing those songs. And with almost two years on the one album I'm pretty sure they're glad to not have to play it exactly like it's on the CD.

So the bands put on an awesome show, the crowd just ruined it.

Then I met up with the lovely Bell to take in downtown. It was a lot of fun. Except the expected run in with V and this time Billy at the end of the night. BD and his gf were there as well. I decided to say goodbye to them (they're moving) in case I don't see them before they do. I really only wanted to say bye to BD [though he's been somewhat cold to me since I've dated V] and he called his gf over so I could say bye too.

I really don't care about her leaving. I agree with Bll - I'm way cooler of a person and would be a WAY more awesome girlfriend.

Sunday I went to the Wake Games. Luckily the friend that bitched me out via txt left as I was showing up. But I got to say hi to my friend she works with and he's totally down with hooking me up with great deals on some of their gear. So yay!!

And BG was there. Whew, he's seriously the only pro in a while I've had a thing for. There was that short thing with another pro, that couldn't really be called a thing, but I liked him for a few weeks.

BG is like 27 or something. A good age I think. He's also gorgeous. Now if only we could really, actually hang out. That would be cool. I think I should date a wakeboarder. It's about time.

Then Becca and I met up for dinner [she was at Wake Games too]. It was fun to catch up and have girl talk. I really love her! In some ways she's a lot like me -- especially in certain things that I don't have in common with my other close friends anymore. It's nice to have someone in that same boat as me and that gets it.

We talked about how nice girls finish last behind even nice boys. [More about that on another post.]

Then we went to try out this karaoke place that RG and his friend told me about.

I know, I know. This guy blew me off and I'm going to show up to a place that I KNOW he'll be at???

Well I decided that I barely knew the guy, and even guys I know really well (*cough* V *cough*) can't stop me from doing something I want to do.

So it was fun. I walked in and saw this guy I thought was RG. And it kinda made me a little sad because he came across way cuter and suave, but still a dork and total fun.

I was trying to find a moment to say hi to his friend Karaoke without Fake RG around, and the timing was off. And I really did think it was him because he kept looking at me a few times! Then all of a sudden the real RG showed up. That threw me for a loop.

I had to regroup and then realized that I could go after Fake RG because he wasn't RG. But I wasn't on my game and didn't really have the energy to. It seems Fake RG knows a lot of the people that came to karoke (and I think RG himself too) so he should be around. [Did I mentioned he had a pretty nice body too??]

I finally got a chance to say hi to Karaoke. Part of me kinda wishes he wasn't married. He's definitely cute and very happy and has a fun personality. Oh well, friends works too!

As we chatted, he asked if I had seen RG. I mumbled something and then Karaoke had to go change the song (RG was standing right at the DJ set-up). Karaoke came back and tried to talk us into singing [I said that we'd get a big group and come back and then we'll totally do it... especially if I'm drunk] and RG had sauntered down to our little group. When he caught my eye he was all like "Oh! Hey..." as if he didn't know I was there.

I find it very hard to believe that Karaoke didn't mention that I was there. But Becca and I were on our way out so I didn't stick around for drama or an explanation.

Part of me kinda wished that he would call the next day or something, but I'm ok with him not doing that. Worst comes to worse, I can just flirt with Fake RG whenever I go to karaoke.

Or bring BG. Hehe.

Yay for wishful thinking!!!

~GF

Almost Over

Just finished two more finals today. That means I have one more final left in my undergraduate career. And lucky for me I only need a 62% in order to make an A for the class. That makes for a stress free final.

RG is still MIA. Oh well. Though it'll make it interesting that I was going to see if Becca wanted to go to the karaoke thing his friend had mentioned to me. Screw him - we'll go anyways if she wants. Lol

AC is still around in conversations. He's ankle is healing well and he's coming down here at the end of June. Which seems so far away, but really it's not that long from now. Two months. It'll be interesting to see what happens when he comes back.

He's driving down, which is strange. Part of me has a sinking feeling he might mention something about moving back here. It'd be fun to have him back in town and be able to hang with all his friends, but I'm pretty sure that if he did move back - it'd be for me.

Wow. I sound fucking conceited, but it's well founded. He stayed around here last time for me, and when I kinda disappeared on him (unintentionally) he just moved back home because I guess I was the only thing keeping him here.

I don't like being the only thing keeping them here. The same thing happened with B right before he moved away. It's too much pressure on me if that's the case. It's like everytime we argue or I can't spend time with them it's all that guilt of "they're only here for me". I don't like it

I got my graduation cap and gown the other day. It's slowly starting to sink in. Though rather crappy that my parents are the only family coming to my graduation. My stupid brother can't come out because he forgot to put the time in months ago when my parents told him about it!

Becca's going to come though! Which just makes me love her even more. I wish she lived in Orlando and not almost an hour away :-(

Oh!!!! I almost forgot! I won a fellowship for grad school! It's basically a scholarship. $5000 for the fall and spring semester plus 9 credit hours covered. That basically works out to covering my entire tuition and about 10 months rent. That's freaking insane! All I need to come up with is 2 months rent and the money for books and food/gas/entertainment - which I can easily do!!

I will come away from my MBA not only debt free, but having most of the money my parents put aside for school still intact! And there's a damn good change of me even having saved a good amount of money.

I would have more saved, except me and CC have decided to go to Europe next year. I'm freaking stoked about!!! I'm going to EUROPE for at least TWO WEEKS. I always wanted to, but never thought I'd have the money to do that for a while. And I probably wouldn't if I didn't get this fellowship. The fellowship turned Europe from a slight possibility to an almost certainty [money wise].

Guess with all that I should be happier than I feel.

~GF

Crappy Day

So yesterday was a mess.

Had a routine dermatologist appointment that ended in the biopsy of three moles. Which didn't seem like that big of deal at the time it happened. Apparently the numbing shot works pretty well, but only for a short period of time.

The appointment happened to be back at my hometown, where my parents still live, so I was headed back to Orlando and to work when my car died about 2 miles from my house. Which utterly sucked, but as I was only a few miles from the intrastate, it would have sucked much more to die on that road.

Especially the way my car died. With three jerks and then it was done, no acceleration. It would have been dreadful on the intrastate.

It took a little over an hour for the AAA tow-truck to show up. Lucky for me, the guy whose house I broke down in front of brought me out a chair and a bottle of water while I waited.

I was home for an hour or so before my dad was to fix my car. By then my back started to hurt from the biopsy. My car was a quick fix. Litterally a screw loose in the spark plug area that kept the car from creating a spark.

And a spark is crucial to the working matters of a car.

Then my mom decided to be generous and change my bandaids. Holy hell did that hurt. Gah, pain all around.

I got home, passed out, woke up, ate, chatted a bit with friends, and then passed out again til this morning. Now this is just becoming a horribly boring recounting of my crappy day.

Oh, and I sent RG and text in the morning. I haven't heard back yet. That excitement didn't last long. Or, at least I'm pretty sure I sent him a text. My message box was full on my cell, so I deleted it all so I can't double check that I did in fact send it to him.

Randomness is no longer so great.

~GF

I Always Liked Concerts...

So I went to a concert last night. Alone. I haven't done that in a while. Saves the Day and Armor for Sleep.

Going alone is always interesting. Sometimes it turns out good, sometimes it turns out bad.

This time it started out rocky. There weren't a lot of people there and it was damn cold. So I grabbed a drink and headed upstairs to the porch. No one out there of much interest. So I just sat down and enjoyed my drink since the music of the opening bands sucked. During the second drink a group next to me I had exchanged a few words with reacted to this random guy (RG) that had somewhat caught my interest when he said something. I was then drawn into the conversation, and became part of the group when they found out I went by myself.

I left the group to go to the bathroom, and luckily there weren't many people at the show so I easily found them on the floor. Surpisingly, my friend Rachel was now part of the group too. It was a welcomed addition to the night. Nice to have someone I knew to talk to with the new people.

Armor for Sleep blew a guitar amp and their music just doesn't do well with only one guitar. They were only able to play about five songs because they couldn't fix the amp (or borrow someone else's for some reason) and the songs just wouldn't sound good at all with only one guitar. I felt bad for them! I really like them, and the singer looked like he felt naked on stage without his guitar.

Saves the Day was a surprise. I knew the name, but it didn't register much with me. But when they started to play their first song, it instantly hit me that I not only knew them, I had seen them live. So that was nice. I knew one CD by them and they played the whole thing. I didn't know the other songs, but it was still fun.

The group of us sat outside talking for a bit and people slowly started to leave. Rachel and her friend. RG's friend. Then Rachel's friend, RG, and me sat talking for quite a bit and then Rachel's friend had to leave. RG and I had parked in the same direction, so we walked that way.

As we were walking, RG asked if I wanted to go get a drink with him. One drink to be specific. I told him ok as long as it was somewhere warm, so he gave me his hoodie to wear as we walked.

We decided where to go, but had a hard time getting there. We stood at my car talking for a while before we finally left for the restaraunt. I took a slightly longer way to get there because I didn't want to sit there by myself for a while and feel like a moron. As I was pullin into the parking lot I saw him walking towards the restaraunt, and he must have seen me since he walked to meet me at my car.

We had a lot of fun just sitting and talking. And then we played some trivial games at the bar, which I totally kicked his ass on.

Then the bar closed and we walked outside, and just sat there leaning against my car talking. Some random British guy walked up to us and asked us where the bathroom was. That's not really important, but it was pretty random and set off a walk through the drive through conversation as he was walking around the cars in the McDonald's drive through.

RG's phone had died, so he had me write down my number on his hand. All "highschool" like as he said. I thought it was cute. And I liked that he didn't just give me his number since my phone wasn't dead and ask me to call him.

After a ton of failed attempts to leave, we finally managed it around 5am. He told me that he'd send me a text once he got home so I'd have his number or whatever. And he did.

He's supposed to call me today after he gets out of work to watch a movie. So we'll see if he does.

~GF

Much Ado About Nothing...

So I've been sitting here thinking of what I was going to write. I had it in my head at one point, but it disappeared from my head between brushing my teeth and crawling into bed with my laptop. Now I'm just sitting here trying to remember what exactly I was thinking.

But then I get distracted by all the stuff that the online world has brought into my life. On top of my rant of not liking to friend boys I just started dating on this sites I am now adding friending ex boyfriends. Or, rather, keeping them friends. Though I rant about it, even though my exes are all still friends with me on those sites.

It's awful. Even if you've moved to a point where you're friends. Logging on to see that they have a girlfriend or some girl leaving cute little comments like you used to...it just brings those instant pangs of jealousy no matter how over you it you are.

Well, ok, that's not entirely true. While I may still check bulletins D posts, I don't go to his page anymore. I'm not so sure I'd be jealous about the cute message left on his profile. I'm indifferent when it comes to him.

Maybe that's what truly over someone is. When you're just indifferent.

Maybe I'm not over B. Ok, if I have to admit it I'm not 100% over B, but it's like 98%. And that 2% is enough to keep us from getting back together. At this point.

Then again, he was a tricky situation. We broke up because he moved, and not for anyother reason. [Though there were reasons that would have broken us up if he didn't move and those reasons didn't change.] I've always said that the only way I would get back together with someone was if it was a mutual, clean break. Basically meaning someone moved away or we were just at so different a place in life that we just didn't mesh.

If circumstance/situation broke us up and not ourselves or actions of ourselves broke us up. Unfortunately, that also keeps one heart-string tied to that person. Just one, but it's still one.

Though, with B I think the roughest thing for me to handle is that he's cleaned up his act a lot since I dated him. Not fully, if when I visited him is anything like it still is, but it's still a big step from where he was. I'm uber proud of him, but there's also the huge jealousy that the new girl will get the B I wanted. The B I fought for. The B I helped bring out.

It's the unfairness of her getting to be with the good B that I always wanted and KNEW was in him, while I had to fight with the old B to help bring this out of him and get him to the better point. The whole "why couldn't that have been me."

Someone else get the tough parts and I get the good parts. I always get the tough parts.

Well, actually, this is probably stemming from him calling me a friend. "That's what friends are for." Strange how such little words can hurt. I can't say hurt. Hurt is the wrong word. They just kinda stung. That whole left-over love thing I guess.

I think this TV show I saw might be right. It said something to the effect of how all girls expect their exes to stay single forever and mourn not being with them anymore. Could that be true????

~GF