Blast from the past...soon

So while I'm somewhat complaining about not having dates (somewhat because I really don't want to go out and get dates quite yet), an old flame or sorts is coming back into town for a visit. AC isn't coming for me, but from the way he talks he's definitely planning on spending time with me. I'm fine with that, I always liked him and he was fun to hang out with, but I also know he's wanting more than just friendship while he's here.

Right now, it's not real - he's not here - so I really don't know what I want to do. Though it is fun flirting with him online. There wasn't a big reason why we stopped dating. I was just super busy with one of my hardest semesters and got wrapped up in BD and S along with AC. I thought he had moved out of Florida, but apparently he left because we stopped hanging out. Miscommunication is always a flaw of mine - whether it's mine or theirs.

Anyways, he's really looking forward to coming to visit me and I don't know if I want to do all that. I haven't done it in a while, and when I did it was with B, my ex, like six months after we broke up when I was visiting (we broke up because B moved, no miscommunication on that one). I've been so tired of guy's shit I've just had no interest in it all. And even with the prospect of someone who knows all my hang-ups coming back around, I'm still not that enthralled with the idea. I've apparently lost my mojo....

With all the lack of mojo I need to find something to occupy my time. Maybe I'll get the inspiration to go off alone sometime soon. Maybe not, I'm so tired of being alone.

~GF

My Bday

So my birthday was this past weekend. As far as my birthdays go, it was rather good. Though for me that's not saying much. A lot of my friends didn't show up, and one rather close friend totally ditched out on me the day before, but enough showed. A grand total of seven had showed up. I still had fun though. It also proved while I love my roommates, even though one can annoy me and the kitchen isn't always kept clean. They both showed up and made sure to take care of my car since I got stuck having to drive out there.

I didn't meet anyone new that night. I'm stil not feeling it. I have that nagging voice that I'll just pick the same type of people again. I want new friends, but I really don't have the energy to deal with the hassle of making new friends. The friends I have are sucking the energy I have right out of me.

My roommate's girlfriend thought my friend MP was macking on me. I didn't think so, but what do I know anymore?? Especially when I feel insecure I don't notice things as much about guys. It's like I'm 16 years old again and it sucks. I don't even know if I would want him macking on me. He's quite a few years older than me, and while all I've had as of late is older guys - none of them have worked out in the slightest. He's nice though. Haven't really seen him in the last two years, and I only met him a little more than two years ago. I felt special though that he came out for my birthday. He even followed after me as I ran outside when my asthma or whatever the hell it is (the doctors don't know, isn't that awesome) and was making sure I was ok. That freaked me out. It reminded me too much of V.

And I don't want to go there again.I was kind of sad when D didn't mention anything, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he ignored it last year too. I'm guessing from my response to his letter at the beginning of the year he figured it was best to not keep in contact. Maybe it is for the best. I would sort of like to try to start a friendship. But at the same time I know I can't deal with the fact that he's about to have a kid. Not after all the stuff that went on with us regarding him having a kid (but that turned out to be a cruel trick by his ex).

Of all my birthdays, this has definitely been one of the best, but not without its problems. But I still can't help but think how it would be to finally be in a relationship on my birthday. I imagine there's no better way to end a birthday then to curl up in a boyfriend's arms and fall asleep.

The true friends come out when it counts. And true friends change from year to year.

~GF

Day 1

This is day one of this journal. It's an anonymous account of my life. It may be day to day or it may be week to week. Whatever my life will allow, be it time to write in here or things to write, will be how often I write this. My goal for this is to be able to use it as a reflection on my life. A written account that may help me sort the things in my life easier, spot the good and the bad a lot quicker. A place to gain inspiration from and new ideas for my creative work. As well as an outlet to rant about my romantic life; which I will try to use this journal to talk through those aspects instead of my friends. When it comes to romantic entanglements I've found that my friends mostly tangle it up.

~GF