So this past week was my last spring break of college, at least for undergrad. And my grandiose plans of having an awesome spring break went out the door a few weeks before.
Tuesday I headed home to the 'rents and then to my bro's for a get-together. That was rather uneventful. Still kind of the black sheep of the family - at least that part of the family - but I really don't care anymore. I like who I am and my life, so if they don't it's not my problem.
Wednesday I headed back to Orlando and picked up Amanda and met her friend Carla. Amanda and I headed back to my place and then went out to eat. We headed downtown, to find that Wednesdays really are dead downtown. A lot of guys we had no interest in hit on us. But the bright side is that I actually said something to Vintage! Well, he said it to me and I replied. We were walking by and he asked how I (maybe we?) were doing and I said good. And we went in there to end the night, but I didn't talk to him anymore. There's always girls around him. :-( But he looks gorgeous even out of his suit and in a nice dress shirt.
Thursday we went to Universal Studios. It was fun. Nothing much to report, though we acted like kids in their kid zone and took a lot of pictures. Real friends are ones you can act like you're 5 with when you're really 22. Maybe the best part of the day was the dinner at Margaritaville. Mmmm... that place is so freaking good I wish it was closer to where I live.
Friday was the dreaded CD release show for BD's band. And of course, like I knew, V was there. I show up to the concert almost an hour after it started, and V and Smooth were right in front of me. I said hi to Smooth first, and then V went to give me a hug. Which I stopped at just a half-hug at best, though I really just wanted to push him off of me. He said he owed me an apology, to which I said yeah, with obvious annoyance in his voice. I think he was slightly taken aback by my brashness.
He said he didn't have any excuse for why he did that. That he was real busy with work and such, but that it was no excuse. Then he asked if I forgave him. I told him it wasn't that simple. We were at a show, it wasn't exactly a place where I could pull him aside and ask him what I wanted - if he REALLY wants me to forgive him anyways. And I still don't know exactly what he wants!
I mean, it got really hard for me at times to forget that he did that to me and I should be mad at him. At times, it was so easy to fall back into the ease we always had each other. One of his friends even wanted a picture of us, and he just wrapped his arms around me like he used to and I couldn't help but smile at how good it felt. But once his arms were gone, I was hit with the sudden realization that I don't know how to take gestures from him like that anymore.
I talked with Smooth, Billy, Alberto and a bunch of new people throughout the night. The good thing about that crowd is I know so many people it usually isn't that bad when I go alone. BD and I are back on hugging terms - though it's definitely different hugs than pre-V era. His gf got up on stage with the band a sang. I knew she sang, but I wasn't so impressed.
Saturday night I headed downtown with my group of friends I haven't hung out with in a while. It was fun, though JB started getting a lil touchy feely and I didn't get to talk to the cute guys that were at the club because they disappeared. Thankfully a sun burn helped me escape the awkwardness as JB hugged me goodbye. I had a slight feeling he might have gone in for a kiss (we made out a few times back in like August) which I'm just not up for, with him, anymore.
Now I'm just stuck with the hell of trying to put together a huge project for a class that I need to pass. It's due in four days, and it's an UTTER mess. I'm sure I'll be stuck working on that for the next four days.
~GF
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Playing Catch Up
So I start this to work on refining my writing skills and to find inspiration, and I can't even keep it up!! I'll try to recap the last few days as quickly as possible.
Friday I went ice skating with my friends Dawn and Susan. Besides all the little kids trying to kill us on the ice, it was pretty fun. On my way home I decided to stop by this new guy's show. We had been talking online for a bit (hey, sometimes this internet thing works) and the show was like 5 minutes from my house so I figured I'd stop by. I forgot to look at BB's photos before I left and was really hoping he'd recognize me. I heard his name, so I thought it was him (hell, he's 6'5 so he's kinda hard to miss) and luckily he came up to me.
Luckily he was also cute, and we got along pretty well. His band was good too, always a plus. It'd be difficult to date a guy when I didn't like his band. We left it with a semi-awkward hug, but we continued chatting online once we got home. He seems to not be the typical musician, but I've thought that before. I was starting to have a crush on his friend, Nekid, but I knew that he was like the stereotypical musician that I want to stay away from. It's good that I'm starting to recognize those! He totally stripped on stage though. I look up and I see a naked ass and a well-placed guitar....I really didn't want to see him naked on stage, so I'm glad I didn't.
On Saturday I had a migraine, which means I was lazying around the house doing nothing and not feeling well. Yet again alone. Migraines are something you definitely don't want to be alone for. When you're in that much pain, it would be comforting to be able to curl up in someone's lap. I got a message from another guy I had been chatting online with, Bandanna, and he was in town and wanting to meet up. It was at night already, and with my migraine earlier.
Leaving the decision up to my friend Sterling, I hopped in the shower and quickly grabbed an outfit out together and ran out the door. Little did I know a cold front had hit Florida, but I soldiered on. Getting into the bar I realized I spent all my cash on the parking, and they require $10 minimum for credit cards. Bandanna showed up just in time, and was even a gentlement and bought my drink. He's a few inches shorter than me, but so was D so the height doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother them.
So I was having a blast with Bandanna dancing and getting to know him. When out of the corner of my eye I see sudden movement, which catches my attention and I turn around to look and I see Billy, a mutual friend of mine and V, and I realized that the sudden movement was V ducking behind a pole to hide once he saw me. I wanted to say hi to my friend Billy, but I decided to ignore the whole situation.
I'm still hanging out with Bandanna when V's roommate Smooth walks out from behind the wall and acts all surprised when he catches my eye. I adore him to death, so I didn't care that it was obvious that V sent him out as a buffer or something. So I ran up to him and chatted with him briefly before he disappeared behind the pole. So I went back to dancing with Bandanna, when someone grabs hold of my hip and then lets go. I turn around to find the elusive V had decided to talk to me.
"Hey, how are you" he said.
"Great. You."
"Good."
And our conversation is interrupted by an awkward silence. Him not knowing what to say, or not having the guts to say it, and me refusing to say anything to the guy that had ignored me for the last two months but decided to come up to me with a big grin on his face like nothing happened. We exchanged a hi and a wave, but nothing more was said. I met his stare with darting my eyes around nervously, and eventually shrugging my shoulders with my face reflecting the thought of "I have nothing to say to you." He said something, but I couldn't hear the words coming out of his mouth, and then he pointed to where his group was heading. Maybe he wanted me to follow, but I wasn't giving him the satisfaction of that. I came to meet Bandanna, not stir up some drama with V.
His group hovered near ours for the rest of the night. For the times I've hung out with the group, it seemed quite odd. No matter where I was in the club, I could look up and see V within a short distance of me, but never making a move to talk. It even went so far that when I went to get a glass of water, I returned to find V and his (and our) friends mere feet from Bandanna and his friend. I ignored them as I passed by.
I'm sure he wanted to say more from me, but didn't want to say it in front of Bandanna and didn't want to make it seem forced to get me away from him. I felt slightly good that V had to watch me dance and hang out with Bandanna, especially in the spot where we first hung out and danced together. It was nice to know it was him that ran, and he that used his friends to figure out our run in, while I got to be completely cool about the situation and come out with a complete smile on my face.
Sunday I met up for a Walmart date with BB. When ran around Walmart for a short bit and got to talk. He's definitely someone I could see myself hanging out with. But we ended it again with an awkward hug, though slightly less awkward then before. Maybe it's because he's so much taller than me. Hugs with my brother who's that tall have always been awkward, though that's a whole other issue. Though my hug with Scuba, have never been awkward like that. Then again, we were never close to dating.
Is it bad that when I saw BB the first time, I was like man he's cute. But if he just switched out his clothes for this he'd be freaking hott. Sigh, sometimes guys need a girl to tell 'em how to dress. But I don't want to tell him and let some other chick snag him up.
~GF
Friday I went ice skating with my friends Dawn and Susan. Besides all the little kids trying to kill us on the ice, it was pretty fun. On my way home I decided to stop by this new guy's show. We had been talking online for a bit (hey, sometimes this internet thing works) and the show was like 5 minutes from my house so I figured I'd stop by. I forgot to look at BB's photos before I left and was really hoping he'd recognize me. I heard his name, so I thought it was him (hell, he's 6'5 so he's kinda hard to miss) and luckily he came up to me.
Luckily he was also cute, and we got along pretty well. His band was good too, always a plus. It'd be difficult to date a guy when I didn't like his band. We left it with a semi-awkward hug, but we continued chatting online once we got home. He seems to not be the typical musician, but I've thought that before. I was starting to have a crush on his friend, Nekid, but I knew that he was like the stereotypical musician that I want to stay away from. It's good that I'm starting to recognize those! He totally stripped on stage though. I look up and I see a naked ass and a well-placed guitar....I really didn't want to see him naked on stage, so I'm glad I didn't.
On Saturday I had a migraine, which means I was lazying around the house doing nothing and not feeling well. Yet again alone. Migraines are something you definitely don't want to be alone for. When you're in that much pain, it would be comforting to be able to curl up in someone's lap. I got a message from another guy I had been chatting online with, Bandanna, and he was in town and wanting to meet up. It was at night already, and with my migraine earlier.
Leaving the decision up to my friend Sterling, I hopped in the shower and quickly grabbed an outfit out together and ran out the door. Little did I know a cold front had hit Florida, but I soldiered on. Getting into the bar I realized I spent all my cash on the parking, and they require $10 minimum for credit cards. Bandanna showed up just in time, and was even a gentlement and bought my drink. He's a few inches shorter than me, but so was D so the height doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother them.
So I was having a blast with Bandanna dancing and getting to know him. When out of the corner of my eye I see sudden movement, which catches my attention and I turn around to look and I see Billy, a mutual friend of mine and V, and I realized that the sudden movement was V ducking behind a pole to hide once he saw me. I wanted to say hi to my friend Billy, but I decided to ignore the whole situation.
I'm still hanging out with Bandanna when V's roommate Smooth walks out from behind the wall and acts all surprised when he catches my eye. I adore him to death, so I didn't care that it was obvious that V sent him out as a buffer or something. So I ran up to him and chatted with him briefly before he disappeared behind the pole. So I went back to dancing with Bandanna, when someone grabs hold of my hip and then lets go. I turn around to find the elusive V had decided to talk to me.
"Hey, how are you" he said.
"Great. You."
"Good."
And our conversation is interrupted by an awkward silence. Him not knowing what to say, or not having the guts to say it, and me refusing to say anything to the guy that had ignored me for the last two months but decided to come up to me with a big grin on his face like nothing happened. We exchanged a hi and a wave, but nothing more was said. I met his stare with darting my eyes around nervously, and eventually shrugging my shoulders with my face reflecting the thought of "I have nothing to say to you." He said something, but I couldn't hear the words coming out of his mouth, and then he pointed to where his group was heading. Maybe he wanted me to follow, but I wasn't giving him the satisfaction of that. I came to meet Bandanna, not stir up some drama with V.
His group hovered near ours for the rest of the night. For the times I've hung out with the group, it seemed quite odd. No matter where I was in the club, I could look up and see V within a short distance of me, but never making a move to talk. It even went so far that when I went to get a glass of water, I returned to find V and his (and our) friends mere feet from Bandanna and his friend. I ignored them as I passed by.
I'm sure he wanted to say more from me, but didn't want to say it in front of Bandanna and didn't want to make it seem forced to get me away from him. I felt slightly good that V had to watch me dance and hang out with Bandanna, especially in the spot where we first hung out and danced together. It was nice to know it was him that ran, and he that used his friends to figure out our run in, while I got to be completely cool about the situation and come out with a complete smile on my face.
Sunday I met up for a Walmart date with BB. When ran around Walmart for a short bit and got to talk. He's definitely someone I could see myself hanging out with. But we ended it again with an awkward hug, though slightly less awkward then before. Maybe it's because he's so much taller than me. Hugs with my brother who's that tall have always been awkward, though that's a whole other issue. Though my hug with Scuba, have never been awkward like that. Then again, we were never close to dating.
Is it bad that when I saw BB the first time, I was like man he's cute. But if he just switched out his clothes for this he'd be freaking hott. Sigh, sometimes guys need a girl to tell 'em how to dress. But I don't want to tell him and let some other chick snag him up.
~GF
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Blast from the past...soon
So while I'm somewhat complaining about not having dates (somewhat because I really don't want to go out and get dates quite yet), an old flame or sorts is coming back into town for a visit. AC isn't coming for me, but from the way he talks he's definitely planning on spending time with me. I'm fine with that, I always liked him and he was fun to hang out with, but I also know he's wanting more than just friendship while he's here.
Right now, it's not real - he's not here - so I really don't know what I want to do. Though it is fun flirting with him online. There wasn't a big reason why we stopped dating. I was just super busy with one of my hardest semesters and got wrapped up in BD and S along with AC. I thought he had moved out of Florida, but apparently he left because we stopped hanging out. Miscommunication is always a flaw of mine - whether it's mine or theirs.
Anyways, he's really looking forward to coming to visit me and I don't know if I want to do all that. I haven't done it in a while, and when I did it was with B, my ex, like six months after we broke up when I was visiting (we broke up because B moved, no miscommunication on that one). I've been so tired of guy's shit I've just had no interest in it all. And even with the prospect of someone who knows all my hang-ups coming back around, I'm still not that enthralled with the idea. I've apparently lost my mojo....
With all the lack of mojo I need to find something to occupy my time. Maybe I'll get the inspiration to go off alone sometime soon. Maybe not, I'm so tired of being alone.
~GF
Right now, it's not real - he's not here - so I really don't know what I want to do. Though it is fun flirting with him online. There wasn't a big reason why we stopped dating. I was just super busy with one of my hardest semesters and got wrapped up in BD and S along with AC. I thought he had moved out of Florida, but apparently he left because we stopped hanging out. Miscommunication is always a flaw of mine - whether it's mine or theirs.
Anyways, he's really looking forward to coming to visit me and I don't know if I want to do all that. I haven't done it in a while, and when I did it was with B, my ex, like six months after we broke up when I was visiting (we broke up because B moved, no miscommunication on that one). I've been so tired of guy's shit I've just had no interest in it all. And even with the prospect of someone who knows all my hang-ups coming back around, I'm still not that enthralled with the idea. I've apparently lost my mojo....
With all the lack of mojo I need to find something to occupy my time. Maybe I'll get the inspiration to go off alone sometime soon. Maybe not, I'm so tired of being alone.
~GF
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
My Bday
So my birthday was this past weekend. As far as my birthdays go, it was rather good. Though for me that's not saying much. A lot of my friends didn't show up, and one rather close friend totally ditched out on me the day before, but enough showed. A grand total of seven had showed up. I still had fun though. It also proved while I love my roommates, even though one can annoy me and the kitchen isn't always kept clean. They both showed up and made sure to take care of my car since I got stuck having to drive out there.
I didn't meet anyone new that night. I'm stil not feeling it. I have that nagging voice that I'll just pick the same type of people again. I want new friends, but I really don't have the energy to deal with the hassle of making new friends. The friends I have are sucking the energy I have right out of me.
My roommate's girlfriend thought my friend MP was macking on me. I didn't think so, but what do I know anymore?? Especially when I feel insecure I don't notice things as much about guys. It's like I'm 16 years old again and it sucks. I don't even know if I would want him macking on me. He's quite a few years older than me, and while all I've had as of late is older guys - none of them have worked out in the slightest. He's nice though. Haven't really seen him in the last two years, and I only met him a little more than two years ago. I felt special though that he came out for my birthday. He even followed after me as I ran outside when my asthma or whatever the hell it is (the doctors don't know, isn't that awesome) and was making sure I was ok. That freaked me out. It reminded me too much of V.
And I don't want to go there again.I was kind of sad when D didn't mention anything, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he ignored it last year too. I'm guessing from my response to his letter at the beginning of the year he figured it was best to not keep in contact. Maybe it is for the best. I would sort of like to try to start a friendship. But at the same time I know I can't deal with the fact that he's about to have a kid. Not after all the stuff that went on with us regarding him having a kid (but that turned out to be a cruel trick by his ex).
Of all my birthdays, this has definitely been one of the best, but not without its problems. But I still can't help but think how it would be to finally be in a relationship on my birthday. I imagine there's no better way to end a birthday then to curl up in a boyfriend's arms and fall asleep.
The true friends come out when it counts. And true friends change from year to year.
~GF
I didn't meet anyone new that night. I'm stil not feeling it. I have that nagging voice that I'll just pick the same type of people again. I want new friends, but I really don't have the energy to deal with the hassle of making new friends. The friends I have are sucking the energy I have right out of me.
My roommate's girlfriend thought my friend MP was macking on me. I didn't think so, but what do I know anymore?? Especially when I feel insecure I don't notice things as much about guys. It's like I'm 16 years old again and it sucks. I don't even know if I would want him macking on me. He's quite a few years older than me, and while all I've had as of late is older guys - none of them have worked out in the slightest. He's nice though. Haven't really seen him in the last two years, and I only met him a little more than two years ago. I felt special though that he came out for my birthday. He even followed after me as I ran outside when my asthma or whatever the hell it is (the doctors don't know, isn't that awesome) and was making sure I was ok. That freaked me out. It reminded me too much of V.
And I don't want to go there again.I was kind of sad when D didn't mention anything, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since he ignored it last year too. I'm guessing from my response to his letter at the beginning of the year he figured it was best to not keep in contact. Maybe it is for the best. I would sort of like to try to start a friendship. But at the same time I know I can't deal with the fact that he's about to have a kid. Not after all the stuff that went on with us regarding him having a kid (but that turned out to be a cruel trick by his ex).
Of all my birthdays, this has definitely been one of the best, but not without its problems. But I still can't help but think how it would be to finally be in a relationship on my birthday. I imagine there's no better way to end a birthday then to curl up in a boyfriend's arms and fall asleep.
The true friends come out when it counts. And true friends change from year to year.
~GF
Monday, March 3, 2008
Day 1
This is day one of this journal. It's an anonymous account of my life. It may be day to day or it may be week to week. Whatever my life will allow, be it time to write in here or things to write, will be how often I write this. My goal for this is to be able to use it as a reflection on my life. A written account that may help me sort the things in my life easier, spot the good and the bad a lot quicker. A place to gain inspiration from and new ideas for my creative work. As well as an outlet to rant about my romantic life; which I will try to use this journal to talk through those aspects instead of my friends. When it comes to romantic entanglements I've found that my friends mostly tangle it up.
~GF
~GF
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